I’d Like to Live As if Only Love Mattered

So the other day in therapy, my therapist pointed out that I needed to focus more on what I CAN do, because more and more as I’ve gotten sick, it seems there are continuously new things I feel limited by.  Things I feel I can’t have or do anymore.  And even though those feelings of loss are valid, if I don’t acknowledge the good things, then how can I ever find my balance again?

So, I’d like to spend a few minutes writing about the good things in my life:

1- I have a husband who is so caring and giving and supportive.  His life has been turned upside down this last couple of years too, but he rarely has a complaint.  He makes sure I get to every doctors appointment, he’s spent numerous nights in the hospital with me so that I would be able to sleep better.  He even moved into my parents basement with me when I wasn’t able to work anymore so that we could save money we couldn’t afford to spend on rent.  He’s a rare guy and I am so blessed to have him in my life.

2- I have a great family.  We love to laugh when we get together and laughter is a good thing these days.  Every single one of them made visits to the hospital and I know they love me and care about me.  I have nieces and a nephew who are the lights of my life.  Every moment I get to spend with them is the best thing ever.

3- I’ve had great doctors and therapists through the years.  I really have had a good team of people on my side in trying to heal from all sides.  I’ve been really lucky to work with the people I have.

4- I’m one of those people who tends to have a small circle of close friends… some of those friends have done so much to help me through the tough stuff.  I’ve had financial help, I’ve had multiple visits, phone calls, care packages… I’m blessed to have so many people in my life who love and care for me, so many prayers have been said for me.  Sometimes when I feel a bit pessimistic about the world, I remember some of these wonderful souls who have shown me that the world is not all bad.

5- I’m a creative person.  I have a lot of abilities that allow me to put that creativity to use.  I just want to make stuff… and I can.  It’s something I would like to focus more time and energy on because it feels me with a sense of beauty and accomplishment.

6- I have stories to tell.  Living through some of what I have experienced has given me a depth and empathy that I’m so grateful for.

7- I like who I am.  I really do.  I struggle sometimes trying to figure out what my purpose is, but at the end of the day, I’m a good person and I like me.

8- I may not be as healthy as I wish, but I have the use of my hands and feet, I can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  I can communicate my needs and dreams.  When it comes down to it, I may not have everything I want, but I really do have the things I need… and more.

As I was driving back from that therapy appointment, I was listening to some music and an old song I loved came on.  And the lyrics were a really great reminder to me, that although I’m still struggling and working to heal, that I truly am doing the best I can.  And that it is enough.  It is ok to be where I am in this moment.  So I’m going to finish this post with the lyrics and a link to the song.

“At This Point In My Life”  (Tracy Chapman)

At this point in my life
I’ve done so many things wrong, I don’t know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won’t let you down
If you give me a chance I’ll try

You see it’s been a hard road, the road I’m traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I’ve had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand
That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

You see I’ve been climbing stairs, but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high, always losing ground
You see I’ve conquered hills, but I still have mountains to climb
And right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I’ve seen and all I’ve done
The things I’d like to forget
At this point in my life

At this point in my life
I’d like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it

You see when I’ve touched the sky
The earth’s gravity has pulled me down
But now I’ve reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life

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