Says So on the T-Shirt (Girls Kick Ass)

kill bill    I’ve been trying to work on my Uma Thurman pose this week.  For years I’ve heard all about “finding your power” and such in therapy and the  difference between victim and survivor.  I really thought I was surviving… all these years.  Sure, I had “stuff” but that was just the way it was, right?  The best I could expect.  It was a few weeks ago when I was introduced to the term “pseudo-survivor” – surviving and not thriving; believing you’re a survivor but still feeling powerless.  (I’m probably getting that definition all wrong, but I think it’s true enough in the way that it applied to me.)  It was a bitter dose of truth for me, but I immediately knew it WAS the truth.  I have perfected the art of acting fine and “healthy” while inside I was withering away and carrying enormous pain I had convinced myself was not even there.

So since that day, we’ve been working on power.  My therapist likes to make me stand up and hold this Wonder Woman pose while I talk about the rape.  I HATE it.  It’s extremely uncomfortable to me.  I would much rather curl up on the chair with a nice blanket… possibly in the fetal position.  But I get what he’s doing.  It makes sense.

And here’s the funny thing that happened.  My last blog post, about the rabbit and the wolves?  I went to therapy last week thinking maybe we’d talk about that.  About 5 minutes before I left to go to my appointment, I happened to notice the shirt I was wearing and found it to be an incredibly telling moment.  I wasn’t absolutely sure what it was telling me, but it was definitely something.red revenge  How is it I spent the previous two days feeling like a scared little rabbit, then picked out something like this?  I’ve actually had the shirt a while (from shirt.woot.com, artwork by ramyb), and it’s always been a favorite.  But I knew there was a connection here!  It’s called Red Revenge.  I love it because here is slaying the very wolves that stalk her.  And I love that she’s a sexy woman doing it.  She’s not afraid or ashamed or cowering, and that is DEFINITELY a power pose.

I spent the next hour of therapy talking about power and realizing that I don’t trust my own power, my own instincts.  I’m afraid of them.  And yet, I know I’m A Fucking Powerhouse.  (Sorry Mom, but those are the words.)  I know there is INCREDIBLE power inside of me.  Did I know this before the rape?  Probably not.  Would it have made a difference?  Maybe, if I knew how to trust it.  So I’m trying to trust it.  A quote my therapist printed out a few weeks ago: “Our bodies change our minds… and our minds change our behavior… and our behavior changes our outcomes.  Fake it until you become it.  Tiny tweaks lead to big changes.”  So… that brings us to Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.  And lots of Alias, Dark Angel, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  And posing with the sword I gave my husband for Christmas.  I’m gonna learn how to wield that power.

Totally unrandom video this post:  “Women of the Whedonverse” by MrMorda

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Blood on Your Teeth

I’ve been trying to figure out how you learn to love people again.  Or let them love you.  How do you bond or connect to people again when you’ve forgotten how?  I’m not even sure when I forgot… I just know I don’t really feel that in my life.  Especially in the places I want most to feel it.  I watch my sister and my niece and I’m so incredibly jealous of the bond they have.  I want that.  How do I get that?

When I was thinking about this post, I was trying to think of the song or video I’d put with it, because that’s my format.  I know it’s a bit different, but sometimes, if I frame my issue through that lens I get new perspective about it.  Definitely this time I got perspective.  I’ve always loved the song “I Know I’m A Wolf” from Young Heretics and have often tried to pinpoint exactly what it makes me feel.  I always thought I related to the wolf in the story because I could understand the desperation and loneliness.  It wasn’t until I put these two thoughts together that I realized I’m the rabbit in the story.  And all I see are wolves.

 

And the thing about this song, is you don’t really know if you CAN trust the wolf.  And so I remain a scared little rabbit.   How do you forget the blood on their teeth so that you can be brave long enough to trust?

I don’t know… I’ve always been the type to try to make fewer, closer friends… but a lot of times I feel totally abandoned by the people I feel I’m supposed to be able to rely on.  And it’s probably not because I’m too needy, it’s probably because I haven’t let them know how much I depend on them.  I’ve had some truly crappy friends (not that I don’t know I also have some great ones!) in my life… people who spread rumors about me, people who lied and cheated me to my face… I think I’ve gotten better at choosing friends, but they seem to come in and out of my life so easily.  Very few people stick around.  And now, realizing I’m “the rabbit”… I wonder if any of them have just gotten tired of trying to carry that connection.  So how do you learn to let them in?  I wish I knew, because it’s kind of lonely over here.

Modest? Hottest? …Goddess.

I know I’ve been away a while… I’ve been kinda wrapped up in me and not very good about getting it out the last couple weeks.  But I thought I’d give it a try tonight, even though I haven’t yet decided what to write about.  (This is one of my problems, dealing with perfection and imagining the perfect post before I ever sit down…)  But tonight I’ll throw caution to the wind and just write about what is on my mind at the very moment.

I just got done reading through a blog post my cousin shared on facebook- “Modest is not Hottest”.  http://mylifeasacraig.blogspot.com/2014/06/modest-is-not-hottest.html?m=1.  There are some good points made.  I too, grew up LDS, and modesty was always at the forefront of lectures and lessons.  My family took the religion pretty seriously, my dad was the Bishop for many years… there wasn’t a lot of stretching room when it came to what was “right” and what was “wrong”.  I think the author is right when she talks about the conflicting messages about what is “hot”, but I felt there was still such a strong focus on dress and appearance being the way to catch the “right” guy.  I think what is hot, what is sexy and appealing is CONFIDENCE and there is nothing wrong with being hot, sexy or attractive when it comes from a place of confidence.  Knowing who you are and loving who you are, regardless of what style of clothing you choose to wear.  And I think this pushes a button for me, because I think about the personality traits that made me a target to a perpetrator.  And I feel like all those lectures and lessons actually taught me SHAME.  To this day, I’m uncomfortable wearing anything that even remotely accentuates my breasts.  My mom didn’t allow me to go bra-less at home because it might makes my dad or my brothers uncomfortable.  Frankly, that just creeped me out.  And lectures about mowing the lawn in a tank top or showing too much (any) cleavage… I always felt like breasts were these things I had to keep hidden at all costs- something I should be ashamed of having.  I’m not saying modesty isn’t a good policy, but I think it’s a deeper issue than that.

I wish in church I’d been taught how to feel okay about myself, even if I was surrounded by a group full of mean nasty assholes in my classes.  Seriously, people still talk about how no one wanted to teach our age group.  I wish confidence, anger, and how it was ok to put my needs first, how I didn’t need to be nice to every asshole I met, that it was ok for me to make choices, even if they turned out to be the wrong choice, it was still ok to make that mistake and learn from it.  Instead, I was taught shame and guilt for not feeling the way I was supposed to feel.  I learned to be afraid of choices… if the “right” choice wasn’t so clear.  I learned to turn the other cheek and always love your neighbor.  I was taught to “be a good person” instead of “be a whole person” (goddess).  And I think if I’d learned these lessons earlier on in life, maybe my neighbor (always love your neighbor) would not have seen me as a target.

I realize this post is sort of rambly.  When I read it back, I hope it makes some sense.  I’m not posting to tear apart the other girls thoughts, ’cause she does say some good things there and maybe someone out there needs to hear what she has to say.  It just triggered some different thoughts in me that I have wanted to share because they have bothered me a long time.  So there it is.

And now for the completely random fanvid….. ummmm…. well… still reeling from Supernatural’s S9 finale.  So I guess I’ll post one related to that.   Oooh.  Found a couple that make it not so random because they’re about Dean, who still doesn’t believe he’s a thing worthy of being saved.  If anyone needs to learn to be a whole person and to feel ok about himself, it’s Dean.  So here’s two videos that show this (two of my very favorite right now…)

“Worthy” by Volta1228

“Say Something” by Shelly

 

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