Says So on the T-Shirt (Girls Kick Ass)

kill bill    I’ve been trying to work on my Uma Thurman pose this week.  For years I’ve heard all about “finding your power” and such in therapy and the  difference between victim and survivor.  I really thought I was surviving… all these years.  Sure, I had “stuff” but that was just the way it was, right?  The best I could expect.  It was a few weeks ago when I was introduced to the term “pseudo-survivor” – surviving and not thriving; believing you’re a survivor but still feeling powerless.  (I’m probably getting that definition all wrong, but I think it’s true enough in the way that it applied to me.)  It was a bitter dose of truth for me, but I immediately knew it WAS the truth.  I have perfected the art of acting fine and “healthy” while inside I was withering away and carrying enormous pain I had convinced myself was not even there.

So since that day, we’ve been working on power.  My therapist likes to make me stand up and hold this Wonder Woman pose while I talk about the rape.  I HATE it.  It’s extremely uncomfortable to me.  I would much rather curl up on the chair with a nice blanket… possibly in the fetal position.  But I get what he’s doing.  It makes sense.

And here’s the funny thing that happened.  My last blog post, about the rabbit and the wolves?  I went to therapy last week thinking maybe we’d talk about that.  About 5 minutes before I left to go to my appointment, I happened to notice the shirt I was wearing and found it to be an incredibly telling moment.  I wasn’t absolutely sure what it was telling me, but it was definitely something.red revenge  How is it I spent the previous two days feeling like a scared little rabbit, then picked out something like this?  I’ve actually had the shirt a while (from shirt.woot.com, artwork by ramyb), and it’s always been a favorite.  But I knew there was a connection here!  It’s called Red Revenge.  I love it because here is slaying the very wolves that stalk her.  And I love that she’s a sexy woman doing it.  She’s not afraid or ashamed or cowering, and that is DEFINITELY a power pose.

I spent the next hour of therapy talking about power and realizing that I don’t trust my own power, my own instincts.  I’m afraid of them.  And yet, I know I’m A Fucking Powerhouse.  (Sorry Mom, but those are the words.)  I know there is INCREDIBLE power inside of me.  Did I know this before the rape?  Probably not.  Would it have made a difference?  Maybe, if I knew how to trust it.  So I’m trying to trust it.  A quote my therapist printed out a few weeks ago: “Our bodies change our minds… and our minds change our behavior… and our behavior changes our outcomes.  Fake it until you become it.  Tiny tweaks lead to big changes.”  So… that brings us to Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.  And lots of Alias, Dark Angel, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  And posing with the sword I gave my husband for Christmas.  I’m gonna learn how to wield that power.

Totally unrandom video this post:  “Women of the Whedonverse” by MrMorda

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Shaun Tobler
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 16:52:43

    I was just quoting Amy Cuddy. She is the one that said those profound things.

    Like

    Reply

  2. donnelly idaho
    Sep 18, 2014 @ 21:53:15

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    Like

    Reply

  3. Heathers Helpers
    Oct 25, 2014 @ 08:00:48

    Great blog! I am glad that you shared it with me Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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