“No Longer a ‘Good Girl’

I came across this article on facebook and I thought it was a good read for where I am in life right now.  Some very good points made and things to think about.

“I’m No Longer a “Good Girl” by Robin Korth

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-korth/no-longer-a-good-girl_b_5798340.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Advertisements

Feel the need to smile

So my last couple posts have been bummers and seems like we could all use a smile, so here’s some John Barrowman dancing and lip synching.  Love me some Captain Jack Harkness!  After this, I think I’ll watch Buffy “Once More With Feeling.”  Should get the good times rollin’!

 

And the questions pour out…

So it’s been awhile since I had my last BIG anxiety attack (the kind where I want to crawl walls and rip my hair out.)  I don’t know why things were going well- had decided to attribute it to therapy.  And that probably is it.  BUT as I posted previously- I am having ANGER these last few days.  And I don’t deal well with anger.  I just don’t even know what to do with it.  Few things really even make me angry, but not feeling in control and feeling invalidated or used will make me angry.  My last post- the car smashing- that was about not feeling in control with my health issues, which I’ve already ranted about, so I won’t again.  (not right now, anyway!)

I had trouble sleeping that night, all the anger and anxiety.  Finally started to doze off a couple of hours before my dental appointment, but you take what you can get, right?  I kid you not, I had just relaxed when I got a bunch of txt messages.  From my brother.  Who I’m going to call Alec.  I ADORE my brother.  I can’t even tell you how awesome I truly think he is.  But he has the same capacity for just pure #$%#$^.

I crave closer relationships with all of my family.  Alec in particular is very distant.  He has told me in the past that he avoids me because he can’t deal with what happened to me (the assault.)  That hurts like hell, but I have to respect where he is too, ya know?  At the same time, he’s… not stable.  Just a few years ago, he stabbed himself in the stomach with a huge knife because he was angry.  I’m not really sure if that was a suicide attempt, but there have been those.  And he takes his anger out on himself.  I worry about him all the time, but never really know how he is doing because he tries to hide everything.  So Wed, when I got his txt asking for money because he’s going to get evicted… I was sick with worry and anger.  Anger because I know he is trying to manipulate me right now (this is the only time he makes contact) and worry because I don’t want to see him in trouble!  So- both anger triggers hit.  And everything just snowballed into that awful anxiety again.

How do you help someone you love that refuses to be helped?  I know this post probably makes no sense whatsoever.  I feel protective of my little brother and so frustrated at the same time that I have left a lot of things unsaid.  On the plus side- it sounds like he was able to avoid eviction for now.  So there’s some relief.  But sadness too.

This may seem so random, but I think of my brother when I hear this song.  It sings to my worst fears, but also my wishes to understand better what he is going through so I could help.  Except, if he doesn’t want my help… do I have any right to try to give that to him?   I don’t know any of these answers.  So here’s a song to ruin your day…

 

Why can’t -I- have a car to beat up?

What’s this?  2 posts in one day?

*sigh*  I feel anger right now.  It’s 6:30 am and it’s keeping me awake.  I actually have a dental appointment in 4 hours.  Another thing that brings me great joy :\

I’m pretty sure I’m just frustrated about feeling out of control with my health stuff.  Well, yeah, I’m sure that’s what it is.  But it doesn’t stop me from being angry and jealous that these people have cars they can beat the shit out of and take their frustration out on.  I want one…  😦


Maybe I can have one for Christmas???

Stupid semi-colon anyway…

Frustrating day!  My husband was off work today.  (BTW, I finally decided how to refer to him on this blog- he will now be known as Smikel, which has a fairly uninteresting story behind it, but it works for the purpose of this blog, yay!)  So anyway, we had big plans to work on the house.  And it needs it because I take care of my house like I take care of my issues.  (Press IGNORE.)  But I slept all day instead.  He played Diablo 3.  Which is ok because he needs a break sometimes too, but it’s hard not to feel a tad guilty at the end of the day.

So then I finally got around to checking my voicemail.  A message from my Colo-rectal Surgeon.  Wait.  I need to back up.  I’ve written some of the history in previous blog entries, but long story short- I have Inflammatory Bowel Disease.  I had a series of surgeries starting 2 years ago to remove my colon and create what’s called a J-pouch.  I’ve done ok, but have not been able to return to work, start a family, or generally get out of the house very comfortably most of the time.  I’m on a lot of medications just to get the functionality I have, but it’s still not letting me get back to a semi-normalish life.  So I’ve been pushing my docs for that.  My GI doc says that I should be doing better, so 2 weeks ago I had a scope of my pouch.  We both expected it to show tons of inflammation and problems, but it actually looks pretty good.  Best it’s ever looked.  So he said that it might just be the way my pouch is, but he didn’t see any pouchitis- which is basically inflammation of the pouch.  He’d taken some biopsies and said we’d go from there when we got the results.

He called me last week and said the biopsies are showing some pouchitis.  I’m already taking the meds they would treat that with (Humira, Buedesonide, and Flagyl/Vancomycin/other antibiotic) so he said we could try switching from Humira to Cimzia or it might not hurt to check in with my CRS to get a surgical opinion.  So I called her office, and she was actually able to get me in right away.  (BTW it’s a 4 hour trip one direction to see my GI and 4 hours in another direction to see my CRS.)  She initially didn’t think she could help surgically unless I was ready to opt for an ostomy.  She said that any biopsy of a pouch would show pouchitis, so she didn’t feel that was really a concern.  Then she did the good ol’ “finger-check” of my pouch and decided that I still had a lot of rectal cuff left.  They used to take these out completely and hand-sew the j-pouch, but now the standard practice is to leave a few centimeters of cuff and staple it.  For some people this means they can still have Ulcerative Colitis in the remaining tissue.  So she said it was possible that doing a “pouch-advancement” – going in surgically to remove that last bit, then hand-sew- might be helpful.  She warned me that it is a difficult surgery and recovery.  And from what I’ve researched on it- yeah, looks painful.  But I was ready to commit to it if it might help.  It is possible that this surgery can cause problems with incontinence, but I figure if I’m only steps away from an ostomy at this point, there is little to lose anyway.

So I’ve been feeling pretty optimistic about this surgery for a few days now.  We had it scheduled for Nov.  TODAY she calls me and the message is that she talked with my GI doc who feels the problem is with my pouch and pouchitis and so they’re not sure the surgery is going to help.  To be clear, I feel like my doctors have generally been pretty great.  And I actually appreciate that my CRS felt like she wanted chat with my GI before fully committing to the surgery.  My frustration is in being told- “Nope.  No pouchitis.”  “Well, maybe a little pouchitis.”  “Pouchitis is the whole problem!”

So now, I am frustrated and confused, have no idea which direction I should be looking to get healthy.  And it takes these guys so damn long to do anything.  Appointments are always scheduled “in a month”, etc. etc.  And I just feel this clock ticking away.  I’ve already decided pregnancy is probably not the best option for me.  I’m 37 years old and at this point, whatever health I can regain I don’t want to do anything to throw off the balance.  So we plan to adopt.  But I don’t want to be too old and tired to take care of the poor kid!  And most days anymore I just feel like I’m failing on all fronts- my husband, Smikel 🙂  is super supportive, but I rarely feel like I’m able to offer that back.  I spend like 75% of my time in bed (or the bathroom) and I’d like to be able to look forward to something else, ya know?

So now I wait, again, to hear back from my doctors.  alkdfjksafjkajhgoaitg;oawieojrakjdnf

 

On the bright side, I had 3 new videos to watch from www.Markwatches.net– which, if you’re a TV fan, you should check out.  It’s the best ever and made my night!  (also www.Markreads.net.)  I don’t have a link to any of his markwatches videos, but you should check him out (FYI you can find free downloads of the videos at http://markspoils.blogspot.com/2014/06/the-black-market.html.  Anyway, his site is pretty much my bright spot every week so I have hopefully shared some joy with some of you!  Better to end with this than talking about butts, I suppose… G’nite y’all.

 

 

I need a hug

Hmmm… this isn’t the post I planned to write.  If you’ve followed this blog at all you know I am an undying Supernatural fan.  People roll their eyes at me now days when I mention it 🙂  But, it speaks to me.  Can’t help it!  There is a particular fanvid that shows (to me) PTSD in a way that my words never could.  I’ve been thinking about posting about it for a while now, and that was my plan tonight.  BUT, it’s not really the mood I’m in.  And when I pulled up my Supernatural playlist on youtube, I got caught up in some other vids.

I know this may not seem like a particularly important or revealing post, especially if you don’t watch the show.  But there really is something about this show that connects to me in a place I just can’t put words to.  And sometimes, that part of me needs to spend hours watching videos on youtube!  I think the first minute of this clip says it best:

I don’t know why I have such a need for people to understand why I love this show so much.  I get it- these are fictional characters.  I know it’s A TV SHOW.  But something about the stories and the characters and the emotion in this show… it’s real.  And it speaks to a very real need of my own.  That need for connection, for unconditional love.  “Somebody to die for, somebody to cry for, when I’m lonely…”



And if you’ve made it this far and watched the previous clips, you may be needing this one:

 

Gah.  Just… feels for this show.  So many feels.

The Patient

So Thursday night I went to bed around 9, exhausted from a few stressful days and not sleeping well for a couple.  I thought I’d be out in seconds.  Nope.  Lay awake for hours.  But it was still restful so I just relaxed and figured I would eventually fall asleep.  At about 3am I finally took an Ambien.  Still no help, but I lay in bed, still sorta resting but not quite sleeping and too tired to get up and do anything else.  At about 8 or 9 am I KNEW I had to get some real sleep so I took a Klonopin and a mild muscle relaxer.  FINALLY SLEEP.  With the exception of getting up to use the restroom a few times I slept till about 10pm, when my husband came from work.  (And I mean REALLY SLEPT.  I WAS OUT.)

When he got home, we had something to eat and watched a little tv.  And by 11 I was ready to go back to bed.  Just so freaking tired!  So that’s what I did.  And I slept again until about 3pm.  Got up for a bit, hung out with the husband, started feeling sick to my stomach around 9 so I went to lay down a while.  Got up a couple hours later then finally went to bed again at 2am.  Slept until about 8pm Sunday.  He’s working overnight again so I HAD to stay awake but all I wanted to do was go back to bed.  I haven’t eaten hardly a thing the last few days.  Everytime I eat I just get terrible consequences (yay for IBD).  So I have no energy.  I’m exhausted, depressed, and all I can think about is how I wish I would just die already.  What God or WHOEVER is asking of me is just too hard and I want to be done.  I struggle to see the point of me living when I am spending most of it in bed.  And it this point I just feel crappy all the time and can’t get excited about the things I love.  I don’t think I’d say I’m suicidal.  I’m too damn stubborn.  But I would happily die in my sleep.  I had a scope for my jpouch last Monday and a teeny tiny part of me hoped I wouldn’t wake up from anesthesia.  I knew I would, so the disappointment was small when I did.  But it just sounds like such a great way to go.  And I don’t know what I’m really holding on to right now.

There’s just soooo much that I feel I will never find my way out of.  Dealing with things, weights, emotions, depressions, fears, anxieties, beliefs, etc. I’ve carried my whole life.  That alone weighs a TON.  Now I’m being asked to deal with this chronic illness that should have technically been “cured” when I had surgery… nobody seems to know what to do to help me anymore with that.  I’m afraid this is the life I have to look forward to.  I scares me, it depresses me, and I just want to go to sleep because i can’t deal with it all right now.

This song has meant a lot of different things to me over the years, but it seems to fit here pretty perfectly.

 

Tool, “The Patient”

(lyrics are in the video)

 

And now its 5:30am and I am going to try to get some sleep before therapy this afternoon.  Back to bed it is!

Addictions, Trauma and the Amygdala

Heathers Helpers

I will admit that I am more than a little shocked. I assumed my chat about the amygdala would bore you all to tears but it was my most viewed and most shared post ever.
Since that post seemed to really help people and I have been asked for more information on this topic, I want to share with you how the amygdala, trauma and addictions all work together in a way that is unique when compared to the regular (non-trauma) population. Considering that roughly 50% of all persons with PTSD develop an addiction (or two or three…), this is important to me.

If you haven’t read the post on the amygdala, I would strongly suggest you read it before continuing here as this will all make little sense to you without the back story.
The Amygdala

Remember how we talked about how the “fear switch” is left on almost…

View original post 669 more words

The Amygdala

Heathers Helpers

It’s the first day of school for many people today so I thought it was a good time for a science lesson! Are you excited? No?
How about neurobiology? For a few minutes we can all become medical students (without the crazy hours and insane pressure). Does that tickle your fancy a bit more?

There is this little almond-shaped part of your brain called the amygdala. Understanding the amygdala helps explain why people with PTSD think the way we do. I think that’s important.
Here it is. The small pink area.
Human brain AMYGDALA - cross section
From the minute you are born, the amygdala starts keeping you safe. It asks “Am I safe?” constantly. All day and all night long. It keeps you alive.
When it asks “Am I safe?”, your thinking brain (the frontal cortex) will do its job and answer “From what I see, taste, smell, feel/touch and hear, you are safe.” The…

View original post 724 more words

Disclaimer

I have no idea what I’m about to type.  I’ve been wanting to write here for a long time, but when I think about what I will write, I just get so overwhelmed with topics and then fall into old patterns of holding them all too closely.  AND, I realized a while ago that I may have made a mistake with this blog.  When I started it, I was so excited about it and felt so empowered by it, I couldn’t help telling people… even though I wanted to be able to write an anonymous blog.  And I told people I trust entirely and love very dearly.  Not too many, just those I wanted to be able to share more of myself with.  And I thought that would be ok.  And really, it probably has been.  For them.  But I’ve found myself wanting to write things that I don’t necessarily want known in real life.  Sometimes I want to write about darkness and the unpretty things that never can be made pretty, no matter how much therapy I dress them up in.  And I fear what these people will think.  What they will feel.  How they will see me.  How they will interpret what I say.  How they might worry.

To be clear, this is about me and my fears.  Not any shortcomings of those who might read this, knowing the person (me) behind the words.  But I need this blog.  I need this space.  Because I don’t have another one like it.  And this has to be the one space in my life where I don’t edit, where I don’t dress up, where I don’t worry that the truth is too ugly to say.  I need this for myself.  I don’t want to ask anyone not to read.  But here’s my disclaimer from here on out:  You may not always like what you read.  You may hate knowing I feel a certain way.  You may strongly object to my language.  You might misinterpret things, so please keep an open mind.  It is very likely that I will write about past experiences in my life that some of you might have shared, but that’s part of the process.  This is my space, but I shared it with you because I trust you and I know you care about me.

So read on at your own risk 🙂  I make no guarantees about anything from here on out.  But I don’t want to spend any more time worrying about what anyone will think about the words I choose.  It’s not a good habit for me!

No fun video today, sorry!  Just wanted to get back on this horse, and well, I guess this was as good a place as any to start writing again.  Probably the best place.  Hopefully I find myself able to write and share more frequently from here on out.  Thanks to all for taking the time to read!

Previous Older Entries

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 70 other followers

Until Now

Life. Lessons. Love.

eurobrat

Surviving The Trumpages

markwatches.net/reviews/

Mark watches full runs of television series.

Budget Bytes

My stomach is full, and my wallet is too.

Sage Goddess

The path to healing is not a yellow brick road...

Praying for Eyebrowz

Doing the best I can with what I have

The Pursuit of Badassery

Live bold || Seek truth || Own your story || Never surrender || Be fucking brave.

Colitis To Ostomy

Punk Rock Ostomate

At The Dance Floor

you might find crazy, funny, beautiful & inspiring people and their dance moves

Gemineye Whole Health & Wellness

Holstic Lifestyle Made Real

Writing my Waves

learning to cope with mental illness

Runtu's Rincón

popular culture no longer applies to me

Cup of Mo

An irreverent celebration of coffee mugs and--well--irreverency.

Miss Apostate

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey

Lumos.Nerd

fandom, funny, superwholock, assassin's creed, video games, nerd

Cobweb Queen

you were singing in your sleep

Old Road Apples

A Magnificent Fountain of Gurgling Wit, Wisdom, and Intriguing Insights. Some Other Stuff, Too.

Dearest Someone,

Writing about wellbeing