And the questions pour out…

So it’s been awhile since I had my last BIG anxiety attack (the kind where I want to crawl walls and rip my hair out.)  I don’t know why things were going well- had decided to attribute it to therapy.  And that probably is it.  BUT as I posted previously- I am having ANGER these last few days.  And I don’t deal well with anger.  I just don’t even know what to do with it.  Few things really even make me angry, but not feeling in control and feeling invalidated or used will make me angry.  My last post- the car smashing- that was about not feeling in control with my health issues, which I’ve already ranted about, so I won’t again.  (not right now, anyway!)

I had trouble sleeping that night, all the anger and anxiety.  Finally started to doze off a couple of hours before my dental appointment, but you take what you can get, right?  I kid you not, I had just relaxed when I got a bunch of txt messages.  From my brother.  Who I’m going to call Alec.  I ADORE my brother.  I can’t even tell you how awesome I truly think he is.  But he has the same capacity for just pure #$%#$^.

I crave closer relationships with all of my family.  Alec in particular is very distant.  He has told me in the past that he avoids me because he can’t deal with what happened to me (the assault.)  That hurts like hell, but I have to respect where he is too, ya know?  At the same time, he’s… not stable.  Just a few years ago, he stabbed himself in the stomach with a huge knife because he was angry.  I’m not really sure if that was a suicide attempt, but there have been those.  And he takes his anger out on himself.  I worry about him all the time, but never really know how he is doing because he tries to hide everything.  So Wed, when I got his txt asking for money because he’s going to get evicted… I was sick with worry and anger.  Anger because I know he is trying to manipulate me right now (this is the only time he makes contact) and worry because I don’t want to see him in trouble!  So- both anger triggers hit.  And everything just snowballed into that awful anxiety again.

How do you help someone you love that refuses to be helped?  I know this post probably makes no sense whatsoever.  I feel protective of my little brother and so frustrated at the same time that I have left a lot of things unsaid.  On the plus side- it sounds like he was able to avoid eviction for now.  So there’s some relief.  But sadness too.

This may seem so random, but I think of my brother when I hear this song.  It sings to my worst fears, but also my wishes to understand better what he is going through so I could help.  Except, if he doesn’t want my help… do I have any right to try to give that to him?   I don’t know any of these answers.  So here’s a song to ruin your day…


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kat
    Sep 27, 2014 @ 10:50:08

    a difficult situation. if you help, you are encouraging him to use you, manipulate you. if you don’t he may end up in trouble, and you may end up feeling really bad. i guess you have to decide where your boundaries are and try to stick to them. not an easy task, tho.

    Liked by 1 person


  2. ccchanel41
    Sep 27, 2014 @ 21:21:30

    OMG this makes so much sense you have no idea. What I love about you is you are so intuitive and yet I don’t think you realize how much.
    That is always the main trigger for my panic attacks. Lack of control. Be it over a symptom I feel in my body, my life, something….the less control the bigger the attack.
    As for how do you help someone you love who refuses to be helped? You can’t. It is painful, but true. I have gone through this with so many people. If you enable them continue to help them with destructive behaviors, then you keep allowing their behavior to destroy them. That would be with addicts…giving them money, things like that. If it is with people who are depressed or generally destroying themselves you can only love them and offer them places for help. Only they can decide to go. Short of trying to commit them, which is very hard to do.
    It is so, so painful. My own brother, I am sure you read it, I don’t know. After he came back from Iraq, he had severe PTSD. He was not my brother when he returned. He can no longer function. He has lived under a bridge (because he wanted to), he has gone down the streets of D.C. with a gun threatening people with his VA doc calling our family saying we need to find him while under their care…really!! He would call me, always. Screaming…I would try to talk him down. he disappeared for months and no one knew where he was. Finally, I was able to get him medically discharged and now he just wanders. I don’t know why I am giving you the details, if only to say I eventually had to distance myself…I ensured he had his proper medical discharge and then I had to distance…it was too much and he would not listen.
    That song brought me to tears. I am very sorry about your brother. without knowing all the details, only what you wrote…I would do what you can to let him know you love him, but with keeping your sanity. meaning, you help him when he shows a willingness with all you can. Love him with your sanity in tact when he is not doing that.
    Of course, that is only advice, always do what you feel in your heart.
    Love your posts and you.

    Liked by 1 person


    • kmaramarie
      Sep 28, 2014 @ 13:11:12

      Thank you for sharing that story. I haven’t gotten that far in your blog so I haven’t read about your brother, but yeah, sounds like you really get it. It’s hard for me to see anyone suffer, even a stranger, but when it’s those I really love, it just about kills you. I think it’s part of being the oldest and having always felt that responsibility for my siblings. It’s hard to accept you can’t fix everything. I think your advice is appropriate, and as I said in reply to another comment- finding my boundaries with family is hard. But necessary for my own health. Love you too friend ❤

      Liked by 1 person


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