Taking space

So… I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth 🙂  I’m still around… The last couple of weeks have been just really overwhelming to me and I’ve had trouble finding both the energy and words, so I avoid.  I am very good at that.  I avoid so well that most of the time I don’t even know what it really is that I am avoiding.  But it wears on me the longer I do it.  Tonight, I just feel a very heavy heart.

I don’t do very well with identifying my own pain.  It’s very rare that I can sit with it when I find it.  On the rare occasion in therapy that I let the tears flow, there’s a quick moment where I mentally go, “hey I’m crying, well this is good…” but then it’s gone.  And I cannot reconnect with it.  I can talk about things and share the stories of my life, but it’s like they happened to someone else.  It’s really really rare that I can share the story and the emotion in the same space.  I just don’t know how.  But I’m really good at feeling pain for others.  Hearing other stories and feeling anger, helplessness, sadness, pain for what others have experienced.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Empathy is one of the things I love about myself.  But I don’t balance it well.  And I think the more I am running from my own stuff, the more I allow it to overwhelm me.

I love this blogging space that I’ve discovered.  I started writing for me, and never really expected to connect so strongly to so many people.  And I love the interaction I have had with so many people here.  I’m grateful for it.  And I’m not going anywhere 🙂  But if it seems that I am around less or commenting less, it’s because I have to respect the part of me that is overwhelmed with so many things right now- things that are mine and things that are not mine.  I’ll still be reading though… I love all of you I have connected with.  And I love reading what you share.  I’m just working out my shit 🙂

Hopefully I’ll be able to write more soon, too.  I love being able to share here.  It’s become really important to me, this space and all of you who are reading.  Just needing some time to separate the words from the feelings, I guess.  Thanks to everyone who continues to follow and support – you mean the world!

 

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ccchanel41
    Oct 13, 2014 @ 02:16:49

    Have been wondering. It was weird because before you commented tonight, I had come to your blog and even checked to see if something was weird with my computer! ha!

    I totally understood this post..hmm..and of course take your time. We aren’t going anywhere, but we have no life. *pause for sad thoughts* LOL! Hope all is well, and sending good thoughts…we love you too…would not be the same without you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • kmaramarie
      Oct 15, 2014 @ 00:42:53

      Hmmm… sad thoughts here- I have no life either! I SHOULD have plenty of time to blog 🙂 Sleeping too much lately!
      Thanks for the good vibes- wouldn’t be the same here without you either! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. tfoz
    Oct 13, 2014 @ 03:01:50

    You are part of the community, so you are part of what makes it great! I’m grateful, too, for finding so many people to connect with; I didn’t expect it, either! A therapist told me once that people who have experienced abuse as a child become hyper-vigilant to the moods and needs of others–kind of a self-protection mechanism. But, it makes us very empathetic in a good way, a non-self-protection way, too! I always wanted to be an empath like Deanna Troi on Star Trek NG, so I guess we are, in a way? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • kmaramarie
      Oct 15, 2014 @ 00:45:58

      haha that is weird, when I think about super powers (nerd girl!) I always think empath is cool too, then I kick myself because I KNOW that’s a screwy thing to have too much of. But I still think it’s cool. So I guess I’m a product of my own messy wishes?
      Thanks for the support- I’m not going anywhere… just having trouble keeping up, but ya’ll have become important to me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  3. tfoz
    Oct 13, 2014 @ 03:08:36

    We will be here when you feel like joining. Pls take care of yourself. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  4. manyofus1980
    Oct 13, 2014 @ 05:46:40

    Take care! I really related to the part of your post that was about connecting with your pain and emotions, I find it hard to cry in therapy, I rarely do! Our therapist always says its ok, its safe, but its so hard to let those words sink in. I hope your ok! And be well, stay safe! XX

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • kmaramarie
      Oct 15, 2014 @ 00:48:50

      Thanks so much! Yeah, I cry my freakin’ eyes out at the movies and watching tv- but not even One Perfect Tear for my own stuff! So hard, so weird. I’m doing ok, just trying to be proactive about things, I guess, and recognize that I am overwhelming myself lately. I’ll be around 🙂

      Like

      Reply

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