See me…

OK.  Borrowing some courage from Alex tonight.  (This morning?  Feels like night until I’ve slept a few hours, so… still Tuesday to me!)

I commented to her that there were things I was afraid to write.  But I started this blog so I could tell those stories.  So, I’m going to try to tell them in pieces.  Bite-size chunks.

Who was I?  Sometimes I don’t remember.  She is so far away and I don’t remember how to see the world through her eyes.  I was invisible, most of the time.  I learned to cope with the world through observation, rather than interaction.  Receiving attention was painful.  To my very core, I was so uncomfortable with it.  And yet, I was constantly seeking it through one way or another.  But if I had it- I couldn’t dare to act like I deserved it.  There’s video of me, my senior recital.  A whole frickin’ audience there to listen to me sing for like, an hour.  I had a good voice and I knew it, but I couldn’t let myself act like it.  I loved to sing.  I hate that video.  It’s painful to watch because I can still feel that pain when I remember it.  KNOWING that… I can’t even find the words.  But instead of smiling and interacting with an audience, like I KNEW a good performer would, I pretty much just ignored them.  No eye contact, no smile, it’s so awkward.  It’s not like I didn’t know I was doing it, but you couldn’t have forced a smile on my face for the whole damn universe.  I was physically incapable of doing it.  I mean, I could smile “off-camera” but if it was in anyway attached to my own self-worth, I just couldn’t.  I was not meant to shine in the light.  That’s what I believed.  And I couldn’t dare to change that.  The very thought was offensive.

And I kinda hate her.

I honestly don’t know where those beliefs came from.  I’m lucky when it comes to family.  Lots of love and support, and yet…

Man, this was unbelievably hard for me to write.  But that’s good.  It felt different writing about it, kinda like when I wrote about self-harm.  This is a really really deep piece of me that I hate to look at.  And I right now I feel sad in my heart for how much I resent that poor stupid girl who couldn’t do any different.  (I know she wasn’t stupid- don’t judge me while I’m busy judging myself!)  And now I’ve kind of ruined it by making a joke.  That’s what happens when I get close to something in therapy, shed a few tears, make a sarcastic funny comment, and then it’s gone.  I’ve disconnected.  But… I’m learning.  And it kinda amazes me right now, how much easier it is to sit here and feel this shit while blogging.  This just might be the safest place in the world for me right now, and that’s kinda weird.

I feel like I want to verbally and emotionally vomit all over my keyboard.  How’s that for imagery?  But I’m not sure where to take this story next.  SO… bite sized chunk.  And I’ll just sit here while I feel it.  I think that’s good.

I WILL however leave you with a song…

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kat
    Oct 22, 2014 @ 11:02:02

    You said, ” I was invisible, most of the time. I learned to cope with the world through observation, rather than interaction. Receiving attention was painful. To my very core, I was so uncomfortable with it. And yet, I was constantly seeking it through one way or another. But if I had it- I couldn’t dare to act like I deserved it.”

    Wow, its like you took a look inside my head and said exactly how i’ve felt my whole life, especially when a child. Attention was almost always bad, yet i still craved it, longed for it, from anywhere–schoolmates, teachers, strangers, especially my mom, but she was the one whose attentions were so negative and bad in the first place. A few years ago, I found out that I don’t need attention from her. I can get it elsewhere.

    i’m glad you wrote about this, and i think it will help too. brava! for being so strong.

    Liked by 1 person


    • kmaramarie
      Oct 22, 2014 @ 13:58:59

      man I felt like I wanted to stab my arm after writing all that last night, but I’m glad I did (write- not stab… remaining stab free). Thank you for understanding it and sharing that with me ❤

      Liked by 1 person


  2. ccchanel41
    Oct 22, 2014 @ 18:29:53

    Here is to courage. And finding one of your safe places. I totally understood that. Loved your visual imagery btw. I think you always express how and what you feel so well, that sayin I hear you is like sayin I see you.
    Beautiful song, have always loved it. And you. I also use sarcastic humor, so I totally got that too, forgot to say that part, bc I sooo understood that, but I think that is are still talking..processing. Pieces is what most of us can handle. I thought this was awesome and courageous, just like you. -alex

    Liked by 1 person


    • kmaramarie
      Oct 23, 2014 @ 23:24:05

      Thanks so much 🙂 I can really feel the difference between a post like that and some of the others. Not that the others aren’t true and meaningful, but the ones that are really deep inside really take it out of you. Thanks for being “all of you”. I really mean that. You are so inspiring and awesome to me. ❤ U

      Liked by 1 person


  3. tfoz
    Nov 01, 2014 @ 04:00:49

    Hi, I’m catching up on your posts. This one really resonated with me, too. I used to go into panic attacks when I had to perform or speak in front of people, even in a setting as small as a high school classroom. It’s a little better now, but at least I know what’s coming and can try to prepare for it. To make up for insecurities I deflect, deflect, deflect–with humor or by turning the attention away from me and back onto others. It IS painful because I think we all (here in our blogging community) want to be confident and successful, but we struggle with forms of conditioning that once, helped us survive, but now, hinder us from being who we want to be. Anyway, all I really would like to say is, I understand!!!

    Liked by 1 person


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