Thanks to my insides

I feel … I can’t finish that sentence right now.  I’ve had this thing weighing on me the last couple of days.  A suspicion I’ve had for years, but never confirmed.  It’s been on my mind a lot.  Generally I do not dwell on it.  Why spend the energy on something that may not be real?  But the last couple of days, I can’t shake it.  My anxiety at night has been through the roof.  I can’t sleep.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch because trying to go to bed just makes the anxiety worse.  And I wonder, is this some small confirmation of what I have wondered?  And what if it is?  Not having a memory to go with it… I feel sick inside as I cycle through possibilities… I want to write about all of this, but I don’t think I’m prepared to deal with the fears it brings.  But, I just had to reach out a little bit because I know there are those who will understand.  I want to forget about it… stop thinking about it…. push it back to the corners of my mind where it has dwelt for years and years.  How does it do me any good to have it sitting here out in the open when I can’t even pursue it?  I hate my insides sometimes.

Huh, maybe that’s why I keep having to get bits of them removed surgically,.  Well.  That’s helpful.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kat
    Oct 25, 2014 @ 02:16:04

    that is an interesting analogy, between the mind and the body. perhaps you dont have to figure out the thing that has dwelt in the corners of your mind just yet…perhaps you are just now able to finally admit that it exists. and maybe all you need to do now is to accept that it is there. surely, that itself is a big enough job right now.

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. kat
    Oct 25, 2014 @ 03:25:52

    it is easy to give words to others, but much harder to apply those words to oneself…i still struggle with the world stopping on random things, said, heard, thought..we all have different answers to keep our world spinning, tho i have not yet found mine either.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. ccchanel41
    Oct 25, 2014 @ 23:13:22

    It’s OK. The only thing not to do is fight it. The makes everything worse. Whatever it is…and we do hear you. Holding it in causes the physical and the anxiety to be worse, along with the fear. Small chunks. If you have to sleep on the couch, I don’t think it minds 🙂 We love you. – all of us

    Liked by 1 person

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