Leonard Nimoy and the Legacy of Fandom

This made me cry today…

Fangasm

nimoy3

The loss of Leonard Nimoy has hit the world hard today – a talented actor, director, writer, and humanitarian. For those of us in fandom, the loss feels personal, which may be hard to understand for someone on the ‘outside’. Even fans who weren’t born when the original Star Trek zoomed onto our (tiny) television screens in gloriously limited special effects feel the void left by his passing. Nimoy, and Star Trek, were so pivotal to the beginnings of fandom as we know it, that it’s difficult to quantify the depth of his contribution to this vibrant thing we call ‘fandom’ or how much the universe feels darker without him in it.

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Me?

So I am beyond honored to have been nominated for my first blogging award!  Can’t even really express what it means to know that my words here have real meaning for anyone but myself!  Thank you soooo much to HeathersHelpers.org for nominating me for the “Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award”!

sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award11

Since this is my first time doing this, I will TRY to follow the “rules” here 🙂  10 questions were sent to me to answer:

  1. Since you are all writers, what is the best compliment someone could give you about your writing?
    The biggest compliment really is just to know that what I have to say is being heard and that it means something to someone else.  Even though I actually do know all the “writing rules”, I tend to type whatever comes out, so I don’t care much about my “writing” here, so much as I care about being able to express myself and having someone understand that.  The best compliment is all the wonderful people I have met through this blog!
  2. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard anyone say? Who knew this one would be so difficult to answer?  I couldn’t think of something off the top of my head so I sorta cheated and looked through my pinterest quotes.  AND I CAME UP WITH SO MANY!  BUT in all my life there is one thing I remember my mom telling me when I was very young and it has stuck with me through probably 30 years.  I’d forgotten to do something sort of church related and I felt terrible.  My mom said “Don’t worry.  God knows the intentions of your heart.”  And while God has come to mean a lot of different things to me over the years, those words still give me peace when I feel doubt about things.  God knows the intentions of my heart.  And if my heart is true, then I am ok.  So thanks, Mom ❤
  3. How would you describe yourself? Hmmmm.  Colorful.  Creative.  Intelligent.  Needs Repair but Still chugging along!  Nerd/Geek.  Completely obsessed or totally indifferent.  Still searching.  Curious.  Empathetic.  Caring.  Deeply emotional.  In my heart of hearts, I’m amazing.  That scares the shit out of me.
  4. What would you regret not doing in your life?  Surviving.  Making the pain mean something.
  5. Where do you find peace? Music, art.  Chai with a friend.  The arms of someone who gets me.
  6. What are you grateful for? Family.  My husband.  Color.  Bellydance.  Music.  Beauty in life.  A roof over my head.  Having my basic needs met even though there may not be a lot left over sometimes, there is always enough. 
  7. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? You are fucking awesome.  (I wouldn’t have believed it back then, but I wish I’d known.  I wish I hadn’t disliked myself so much.)
  8. What stresses you out? Not meeting my own expectations.  Not being the person I see in my head.  Feeling guilty about what I don’t accomplish.
  9. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal? Fear?
  10. What inspires you?  I’m inspired by a lot of fictional characters.  The “hero’s journey” or the search for humanity.  Love.  Finding hope when there is nothing left.  Music, TV, books, even people once in a while show these characteristics. It gives ME hope. 

Whew.  So the next part is to nominate seven other blogs for the award.

Refractory Ramblings From The Darkside – I just love every part of her. 

Christian Girl with a Death Wish – I’m new to following her blog, but have loved every last thing she has shared so far.  Highly recommend following her if you are struggling with depression and the as she writes “the fight to survive and thrive”

Safe. – Great blog about living with major anxiety.

Rhodeside Attractions –  I discovered Kim Rhodes through Supernatural, but found she has one of the most amazing blogs ever.  There were a few blogs that inspired me to blog myself- her’s is one of them.  I read it start to finish in one day and fell in love.  I REALLY think most of you who enjoy my blog would also love her and encourage you to check it out. 

Inflamed & Untamed – A GREAT blog and resource for those with IBD.  She’s super informed and her blog is full of information if you are living with IBD.

Another Hope Entirely – … I know Kyra isn’t here anymore, but I had to list her here.  More than anything she wanted her voice to be heard.  I hear people say all the time that they don’t understand suicide or other aspects of mental illness.  I think her blog tells a story that should be heard and maybe those struggles can be better understood.  Kyra fought hard.  Kyra always had encouraging words for the rest of us and I feel like the best thing that I can do to honor her is to encourage others to read her words and hear her voice. 

Mark Watches / Mark Reads / Mark Does Stuff – I’ve mentioned this site before, and I don’t know if I’m cheating since this award is for a “sisterhood” but I just have to include it, because honestly, reading and watching his reviews is seriously one of my happiest places each week.  I LOVE this site.  Obviously it appeals to the geek in me, but one of truly great things he’s created is a community that respects each other and learns from one another.  I’ve had my eyes opened to SOOO many different views and ideas about the WORLD.  He’s an excellent writer, his stuff just makes me smile, and I have to take this chance to thank him and to maybe send a few people his way.  So check it out!

Ok.  Wow.  Now I get to think of 10 questions for my nominees to answer.  I’ll try not to make it too hard.

1- If there were only 5 movie or TV series you could watch for the rest of your life, what would they be and why?

2- Same question as above, but 5 books or book series (like, Harry Potter counts as 1, not 7)?

3- What is your favorite creative outlet?

4- What cause or causes are you most passionate about?

5- Is there one belief or thing about yourself that you would consider your foundation?  When everything else is gone, what keeps you going?

6- What makes you laugh?

7- What is your biggest fear?

8- What is beauty to you?

9- What do you wish people were more informed about or willing to converse about?

10- What is most important to you?

So, if you’ve been nominated and choose to participate, here are the “rules”:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
  • Put the Award logo on your blog.
  • Answer the ten questions sent to you.
  • Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.
  • Nominate seven blogs.

And if you don’t choose to participate for whatever reason you have, just know that I appreciate everything your writing has brought into my life.  Thanks forever!

Tinman

Video

All the fcks

I’ve been staying away again.  Every time I get on the computer, I do the stupid thing of looking at facebook.  Really, I only hope to find cute pictures of my nieces, but it only takes scrolling through the first few posts and I just want to rant about everything!  I’m so sick of people getting on their high horses and trying to shame everyone else for living in some way that doesn’t agree with them.  I really have had an irrational amount of anger about it lately.  I mean, I HATE EVERYBODY.  I swear.  And what pisses me off even more is that 50 fucking Shades of Gray was my breaking point!  I mean, I scroll through numerous posts on religion and politics every single day.  And frankly, most of them don’t speak to me or my beliefs, but hey, whatever, I’ve gotten pretty good about scrolling right past without a second thought.  But holy hell.

I’m generally an avid reader, lots of people were talking about it, so I read the book last year.  The first one.  For me, that was difficult enough.  I hated the writing, I hated the characters, I felt there was a whole misrepresentation of a lifestyle… that the relationship had more of an abusive and manipulative nature than what I understand an actual BDSM relationship involves.  So, basically, I hated the book, couldn’t believe they were actually going to make a movie out of it… that was it.  Until the last couple of weeks when it was literally part of every other post on my timeline.

Some of the posts actually tackled the things I felt were problematic about the book and the nature of the relationship.  I think it’s great that it has started some serious conversations about abuse and some of the other issues in the book.  But what I saw most was this:

I don’t normally express my personal opinions on Facebook, but I have to say that everything I have seen and heard about this book disgusts me. The fact that many of my female peers read it and thereby contributed to the making of this film, makes me ill. I’m so disappointed. REALLY tired of the ads and promotion on media. We can do better than this my friends!

“I so agree!!”

“I have heard it is so twisted!  What has this world come to?”

“Totally agree!  Sad world we have created!”

“Well said… agreed! Porn.”

“Vomit is vomit. No way around it. Don’t consume it

and my favorite:

“Anything that arouses sexual responses in us wither visually, threw literature or any other means outside the bonds of marriage oneness designed by a loving all knowing God should be guarded carefully. Sexual arousal is a sacred gift from God to be enjoyed and respected within the marriage relationship between a man and a women to enhance the bonds of affection and appreciation for the marriage partners and the bodies He created for us. If we distract ourselves from this bond and relationship in any manor though ie. Romance novels, visual distraction or innuendos outside this commitment I feel we are on shady/shaky territory with a God who loves us dearly!!! May you choose your realistate wisely;).”

I know this is a stupid thing to get my panties all in a bunch about… but I am so freakin’ sick and tired of being preached to.  Not ONE of these people made a comment based on any actual knowledge of the book.  All they knew was it involved some freaky kind of sex that’s way outside their box and shame fucking SHAME on you if you don’t start a book burning.

I’m not defending the book.  It’s really awful in my opinion.  But hey, at least I read it enough to form an opinion.  But that’s not even what bothers me… I get that a lot of people’s personal and religious beliefs would have them not read that kind of book.  And I got NO problem with that… until you start pushing that agenda on everyone else.  And hey, if you haven’t read the book but know it’s about BDSM and want to start a conversation about that, great.  But if you’re going to get on a soapbox, then actually start a useful conversation about something by making some valid points.  Saying “this is vomit” and “blah blah blah GOD…” is not useful.

Let me be clear again- I hated this bookand I am not defending the book!  I hate that this book has caused me so much facebook rage.  It feels stupid.  But I THINK the reason it pisses me off so much is that It sounds like the same attitude I hear from people about anything or anyone that doesn’t conform to their norm for sex and sexuality.  Or about a hundred other issues that basically come down to an attitude that says “well, my religion says this is right, therefore YOU have no right.”  And I’m just tired of it.  In my real life, this is the attitude of nearly everyone I know.  And I feel completely out of place with  all my fuck this and fuck that… when that feels like the real me sometimes.  Honestly, I love the fuck word.  And I must be very tired right now because I can just imagine the shocks and awes from some about what I’ve written.  Oh well.  Today I’m giving all the fucks!  I’m tired of keeping my opinions inside because everyone in my life will tell me that my opinion is wrong.  I’d rather be wrong than silent.  Even if it’s about a stupid book I didn’t even like.  Ok.  Rant OVER.

Side note- if you would like to hear a reading of “the book” with great commentary about the issues and problems contained therein- (also, it’s hilarious)- check out “Mark Reads ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’ ”  http://youtu.be/L_DOJRaKnPQ

So many things…

I’ve been putting this off and putting it off for so many reasons.  None of which have anything to do with this.  I love blogging my ups and downs.  And I’ve really missed it the last couple of months.  But I haven’t really been in a great place, and you know how it is… well at least for me, I tend to hide until the shit goes away or it’s really repressed enough that I can just pretend to be normal and ok.  But that hasn’t been happening.  Instead, more shit just keeps appearing.

I’ve been kind of aware of some of what I’ve been hiding from.  But a couple days ago I totally broke down and admitted I hate this ostomy.  (Surgery went find, medically speaking, my ostomy is great and my health is much improved.)  But mentally, I’m not dealing with it as well as I thought I could.  See, when I was raped 16 years ago, the ONE thing I found was that I could survive anything.  I made that my rock.  It was my foundation and I built my world around it.  No matter how bad it got, I survived that, I can survive this.  It rather pisses me off that this lifesaving ostomy that I should be grateful for is causing that foundation to crumble.  I literally found myself praying to die the other night.  I don’t pray.  And I knew the prayer was pointless because God doesn’t answer my prayers.  But I felt so alone.  Even though my dear husband spent half the day with his arms around me in support… I feel pointless, I feel cheated.  For the first time in my life I hate my body.  I can’t bring myself to take a shower.  It’s so strong.  I know I need to, I get all my stuff ready, slowly, but when it comes down to it, I just can’t.  I hate dealing with the ostomy in the shower.  So I go a week without it, until my hard-wired need to meet certain social expectations finally wins out, and I force myself through it.  Purely so I can go to therapy the next day and keep my secret that i am barely holding it together.

Right now I feel jealous of everyone who is dead.  It was just a year ago one of my best friends took his life and all I can think is that I wish I could trade him places.  And Hope… dear Kyra.  I feel terrible that she felt so alone.  One of the first things I found out when I started reading blogs again was that she was gone.  It broke my heart.  She was the first person to ever follow my blog, comment… and hers was the first blog I ever followed.  She wa such a beautiful, intelligent person. and I’m sorry she’s gone.  And yet I can’t help but envy her just a tiny bit.  And I feel terrible about that.  Sometime I want to punch myself in the face for being so done by sometimes comparably small things.

 

My therapist thinks maybe its time I consider ECT.  I’m beginning to think he’s right, though I have mixed feelings about it.  I know some of you, my readers, have had it, and I would really appreciate some feedback.  If you feel like you don’t want to share on the blog, let me know and we can email each other or something.  I really want to know all the good and all the bad before I make a decision like this.  But something’s gotta change ’cause I can’t keep playing by the rules.  I’m just done.

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