So many things…

I’ve been putting this off and putting it off for so many reasons.  None of which have anything to do with this.  I love blogging my ups and downs.  And I’ve really missed it the last couple of months.  But I haven’t really been in a great place, and you know how it is… well at least for me, I tend to hide until the shit goes away or it’s really repressed enough that I can just pretend to be normal and ok.  But that hasn’t been happening.  Instead, more shit just keeps appearing.

I’ve been kind of aware of some of what I’ve been hiding from.  But a couple days ago I totally broke down and admitted I hate this ostomy.  (Surgery went find, medically speaking, my ostomy is great and my health is much improved.)  But mentally, I’m not dealing with it as well as I thought I could.  See, when I was raped 16 years ago, the ONE thing I found was that I could survive anything.  I made that my rock.  It was my foundation and I built my world around it.  No matter how bad it got, I survived that, I can survive this.  It rather pisses me off that this lifesaving ostomy that I should be grateful for is causing that foundation to crumble.  I literally found myself praying to die the other night.  I don’t pray.  And I knew the prayer was pointless because God doesn’t answer my prayers.  But I felt so alone.  Even though my dear husband spent half the day with his arms around me in support… I feel pointless, I feel cheated.  For the first time in my life I hate my body.  I can’t bring myself to take a shower.  It’s so strong.  I know I need to, I get all my stuff ready, slowly, but when it comes down to it, I just can’t.  I hate dealing with the ostomy in the shower.  So I go a week without it, until my hard-wired need to meet certain social expectations finally wins out, and I force myself through it.  Purely so I can go to therapy the next day and keep my secret that i am barely holding it together.

Right now I feel jealous of everyone who is dead.  It was just a year ago one of my best friends took his life and all I can think is that I wish I could trade him places.  And Hope… dear Kyra.  I feel terrible that she felt so alone.  One of the first things I found out when I started reading blogs again was that she was gone.  It broke my heart.  She was the first person to ever follow my blog, comment… and hers was the first blog I ever followed.  She wa such a beautiful, intelligent person. and I’m sorry she’s gone.  And yet I can’t help but envy her just a tiny bit.  And I feel terrible about that.  Sometime I want to punch myself in the face for being so done by sometimes comparably small things.

 

My therapist thinks maybe its time I consider ECT.  I’m beginning to think he’s right, though I have mixed feelings about it.  I know some of you, my readers, have had it, and I would really appreciate some feedback.  If you feel like you don’t want to share on the blog, let me know and we can email each other or something.  I really want to know all the good and all the bad before I make a decision like this.  But something’s gotta change ’cause I can’t keep playing by the rules.  I’m just done.

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18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kat
    Feb 03, 2015 @ 14:16:47

    sending warm and supportive thoughts with (((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. ccchanel41
    Feb 03, 2015 @ 22:20:54

    Oh kmaramarie…..
    Surgeries like this can be sooo sooo triggering and life altering. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with this. Although I think it is normal.

    I have been waiting for you to come back and write. I am so very glad you wrote this. I can totally understand what you wrote here about how you feel, especially the showering. I think that makes sense.

    This was a very extreme surgery and I think that even though it has improved your health that mentally it would be an extreme adjustment. I don’t know if you are part of a support group, or go to therapy, or anything like that, or online with anything like that? It may help.

    Please keep writing and you know where we are. If you ever want to talk or think of any way we can help please let me know.

    Sending you love xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • kmaramarie
      Feb 07, 2015 @ 09:03:19

      Thanks luv. I’ve found a few good support forums online. .. not much around here locally to meet people in person. I know eventually I’ll adjust, because what choice do I have, right?
      For some reason showering in general had always been a little triggering, but something I could push through. Now, I really have to force myself to do it even once a week.
      Thanks for all the love. .. right back at ya!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • ccchanel41
        Feb 07, 2015 @ 09:49:54

        YW, once a week it ok. sometimes I do good for that..but don’t tell. nice little sponging and change of clothes and good to go.
        To feel better apply mascara!! 😉
        Will always be here loving you… plus you find really good songs..but that has not one thing to do with it at allll… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • kmaramarie
        Feb 07, 2015 @ 10:02:43

        Yes and hats for the hair. I swear it’s more work avoiding the shower sometimes than it should be to just take one, haha!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ccchanel41
        Feb 07, 2015 @ 10:07:12

        hahahahaha!!! omg laughing so hard! but if we are so great at this, we are awesome at being stunning when we do shower, Am. I. Right? LOLOLOL

        Liked by 1 person

      • kmaramarie
        Feb 07, 2015 @ 10:33:35

        So. Right 😉 (thanks I needed this)

        Liked by 1 person

      • ccchanel41
        Feb 07, 2015 @ 10:35:35

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • kat
        Feb 07, 2015 @ 15:56:36

        ha—i thought i was the only person like that regarding showers! for some reason they became especially difficult and challenging several years ago, and even tho i generally feel better (dare i say it–i even feel well!), i continue to struggle with showers. and unfortunately i am not a hat person.

        Liked by 1 person

      • kmaramarie
        Feb 18, 2015 @ 09:18:08

        Dang, I had read a super good post a long time ago about the inability to shower and how it’s a really common thing for abuse survivors. I wanted to link to it, but I can’t find it.
        Nevertheless, I’m glad to hear that my shower issues, are… actually kind of normal? (I’m not really a hat person either, but sometimes I try anyway!)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sharon DeVinney, Ph.D.
    Feb 04, 2015 @ 20:26:34

    I am so glad you just started following our blog. Tomorrow Robin will be posting her own thoughts about her experience with ECT….I’ll give you a preview…it helped her significantly. Your experience is different, and not everyone has the positive results Robin had, but there is no question for her that ECTs were an integral part of her healing process. I am glad we found your blog…wishing you the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  4. Heathers Helpers
    Feb 09, 2015 @ 12:02:15

    I have not had ECT myself but when I was hospitalized for 4 months, the ECT room was almost beside my room. I ended up talking to a lot of the patients who complained about the temporary memory loss but for the most part, many reported really good success with it. Good luck in making your decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. sworddancewarrior
    Feb 20, 2015 @ 22:03:29

    I was once at a survivors meeting and we went around the room about showers and brushing teeth. Both were extremely loaded. I think because it get us into our bodies, and if you’re barely keeping a lid on things as it is, that can feel destabilizing. I’m wondering if showering with your husband might make it easier to do it regularly. I often feel safer doing physical things that make me anxious or triggered if my partner is there with me. It’s how I got over my anxiety about working out in a gym.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • kmaramarie
      Feb 20, 2015 @ 22:10:39

      Wow, so glad you commented. I remember that the post I was thinking of I found through your blog probably 2 years ago. Not on your blog, but linked somewhere. Way before I started blogging myself. But you are one who inspired me to do so. Your post on PTSD- so good. I think you are right- getting “into my body” is really freaking hard- especially right now trying to adjust to this ostomy. It’s so much easier to just ignore it as long as I can. It usually does help me to have my husband there with difficult things, but not sure that will work for me right now. Good advice though. Thanks so much for writing!

      Like

      Reply

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