I was an angel

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I need
Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Looking to get fucked hard
Like a groupie incognito posing as a real singer
Life imitates art

You got that medicine I need
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart please
I don’t really wanna know what’s good for me
God’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me
Crazy –
Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me.  Did it work?  Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video.  HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version.  Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

=-=-=-=

Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…!  (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

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Umm… for poop’s sake!

So I’m going to preface this post and tell you its about ostomy stuff and poop!  Just so you’re prepared…. i planned to write a  lot more about the ibd stuff in the beginning but right now i hate my ostomy so i haven’t wanted to write about it.   But since I’m awake. …
=_=_=
Man i hate nights like these. .. seems i can’t sleep no matter what.   And it’s worse when I’m not at my own home cause i have to worry about everyone else who is sleeping.  I can’t just get up and watch tv or do whatever.  And of course i made plans to have lunch with my grandma tomorrow so i was kind of counting on sleeping regular hours so i could get up in time.   Oh well. .. no wishes being granted over here!
So ostomy talk.  Probably one of the reasons I’m not relaxing so well tonight is because i had a major ostomy problem last night.  See, sometimes i have to empty it more often than others, but usually at least a couple times a night.  So when i am sleeping well, it’s harder to wake up when i need to.   Usually my brain figures it out after a bit and i get business done.  Last night i was pretty groggy when i sorta woke up and realized how bad my bag was ballooning.   It took me a bit to come to enough to realize that it needed to be emptied like NOW.  When i realized i was in a sort of precarious  position, i carefully tried to move out of bed and get to the bathroom.   But as soon as i was sitting upright i heard and felt a big “pooofffff” as the thing basically blew up around the bottom adhesive.   So there i was, damn it, a big mess, and i still had to get to the bathroom to stop the leakage and clean up.   Which, by the time that is done,  I’m wide awake.  No going back to sleep for a while after that.  Plus again,  I’m not home,  so my  supplies and things aren’t as organized as they would be at home.
Not the first time this has happened but so far the worst.   And it’s tough to let yourself sleep when you’re worried you’ll sleep too deep and miss that Window when you need to get up.   Now that I’m on 2 klonopin a night, it’s even harder.
And to make things even weirder?  Right now i totally feel like i gotta poop.  Which is ridiculous cause i got no pipes down there.   But my brain doesn’t seem to get it yet.  So I’m lying awake stressing about another accident and wishing i could poop.  What a weird life.

To sleep or to cry

Well I said I was going to bed an hour ago but I can’t sleep.  I feel really fucking depressed right now, which is probably leftover medication mess up,  but right now I feel like finding something to watch that will make me cry.  Oh what fun.

Not about angels

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so.  Lots of experiences to think and write about.  And today has kinda been a hard day.  I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling.  Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies.  But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk.  Was able to see my old friend Teri this week.  Haven’t seen her in over a year and  a half, but we were very close.  She was my “woo woo” friend.  We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together.  Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore.  And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside.  I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there.  If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside.  All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault.  I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either.  I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD?  Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you?  I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say.  And I can’t make the two coincide.  I just can’t.

But anyway,  back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

Right friggin’ now…

image

Image

Cutting my hands up

How do you still break my heart after so many damn years?  I get it now… I keep asking you for something you just don’t know how to give me.  Or maybe you don’t have it to give at all.  Can I fault you for that?  I know I keep faulting myself.  WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SEE ME?  love me?  Does anybody really ever see anybody else?  I’m sorry it makes you feel so conflicted.  I only want to understand… and… perhaps see.  Don’t you get that all these years, I have only wanted to see you too?

Is it wrong to want so little, so much?  I don’t know.  I just know it tears me up every time I try to find that line, that thread that connects me to you.  And with every question I ask, you just think I’m trying to hurt you?  I don’t understand.  And you tell me it’s just me.  Why do I have to make it so difficult?  Why do I need to know?

Somedays I want to run so far far away… find that solitude, cut away my past.  What if its the only way I can find myself?  But the strongest sword in the world never seems to completely hack away that tie.

You say it like I have some devious plot- to throw a bomb out into the midst and see what kind of conflict I can stir up?  Don’t you understand, the bomb dropped forever ago.  Its the shrapnel in my heart I’m trying to clear out.  Pieces with your name on it… just… help me.  Please.

But you don’t know how.

=-=-=

This will probably make nearly zero sense.  But this is the song I’m feeling right now.  It’s about a different kind of relationship so I changed the words to my words down below.  Just seemed to fit for me.

All the world just stopped now.  So you say you don’t want to try to understand anymore

Let me take a deep breath…

if you need me, me and him’ll be hanging out with the dream king.

He says hi, by the way

It don’t believe it’s cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream.

I think it’s “that girl”. I know there are pieces of me you’ve never seen.  Maybe I’m just pieces of me you’ve never seen well.

All the world is all I am

The black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand

All the world is dangling dangling dangling for me darlin’

You don’t know the power that you have with that tear in your hand.

Maybe I ain’t used to maybes smashing in a cold room

Cutting my hands up every time I touch you

Maybe it’s time to wave goodbye now… time… to wave… goodbye

Caught a ride with the moon. 

I know you well, well better than I used to

Haze all clouded up my mind in the daze of the way it could’ve never been

so you say and I say… I know I’m full of wish

But I tell you there’re pieces of me you’ve never seen

I’m just pieces of me you’ve never seen…

All the world is all that I am

The black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand.

All the world is dangling dangling dangling for me darlin’

You don’t know the power that you have with that tear in your hand.

Not an angry girl

lyrics: 
i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain’t no damsel in distress
and i don’t need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you’d prefer a maiden fair
isn’t there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you’re a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they’d prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn’t be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don’t you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don’t want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl

Think I’m on to something,…?

So much has changed this last week.  Internal changes.  Things shifting and circling.   It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one.  Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH.  And I really wish I could write about it right now.  But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life.  That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has.  I want to write, but  I’m still sorting.  Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all.  I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway.  Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff.  But I think I’m on to something….!

Schooled by Shirley Manson

So, this is a super quick post… MUCH going on in my head these last few days…. SO MUCH.  Things are shifting and just stuff I was NOT expecting right now.  It’s good though.  But anyway, watched a great vid last night – Shirley Manson talking about getting old and fear.  Totally got to give myself this pep talk more often!

Just a little something

So, husband had to go out of town for 2 weeks for work.  Which of course means I need to arrange babysitting for myself since I can’t stay home alone like that.  So I spent spent a couple days with the nieces (yay), then caught a ride to my parents house for the next couple of weeks.  In just the last couple days I have seen family and friends and have actually had a number of good experiences.

I’ve had a lot of things I’ve wanted to say.  As I’ve said before, I survive by trying to go unnoticed.  But I’ve been opening my mouth a lot the last couple of days, including a very loud conversation with my parents, grandparents and aunt about gay rights today.  I was pretty much on my own side, which I expected.  I did not expect any minds to change and no one was angry, but it felt so great to speak my mind so unexpectedly and to just feel honestly me!  I don’t know how anyone else felt about it later, and it kinda doesn’t matter?  Mostly, I’m just so high on being me for once.

Also, my aunt thinks I’m whimsical.  She meant it as an absolute compliment and I absolutely took it as one.  Really, one of the nicest things I’ve heard about myself in a long long time.

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