Acheivement Unlocked

Total panic attack right now.  Freaking out and want to throw up.  Sheesh.  I used to have clonazepam “as needed” for this shit.

So I saw the phsyc doc about 2 weeks ago to kind of get his view on the ECT or if he had other ideas for meds.  He was actually quite ambivalent and unhelpful about the ECT, saying he wouldn’t discourage me from checking it out further, but he wasn’t actually saying “yes lets do this” either.  He DID suggest that instead of taking clonazepam so irregularly that it would probably do me more good to take it twice a day every day.  I had been taking one most of the the time but my prescription was for up to 3 if I needed.  So now I’m taking two at night before bed, which HAS helped me sleep better and hopefully will keep me “level” rather than “up and down” as the psych put it.  BUT if I”m full of anxiety right now after taking my 2  nearly 3 hours ago, can I still take another one without messing up this trial of seeing if the dosage change help?  I DON”T FREAKING KNOW.


I started writing this an hour ago and have since been able to address one of the main reasons freaking me out.  I have to go out of town for a while and was invited to stay a couple days at one of my best friend’s house.  I REALLY wanted to say yes, (so I did!) because I SO FREAKIN” WANT TO BE NORMAL!  And I so look forward to spending time with this friend.  But it’s a newer house, one I don’t know well… she’ll have other family there… and while she totally gets where I am emotionally/mentally/physically right now… well… keeping up the facade for everyone else is tough.  And nights are so hard for me.  I started worrying about everything that could go wrong and I was just freaking out.  Nearly threw up.

BUT bonus points for me- I’m learning to recognize and respect my needs.  I called her and hardly got 3 words out and she was like “I totally understand.  No worries!”  Then we chatted for another hour and it was so great.  SHE’s so great.  True friends are few, but the ones I have are the best.

Anxiety is still high though.  Hoping it will just calm down soon if I can wait it out a bit longer.

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. CC
    Mar 02, 2015 @ 23:43:28

    I think that is great you are starting to recognize your own needs like that. Also, huge kudos to your friend! That one is a keeper and rare like you said.
    I take klonopin…same thing as u generic..but not gonna try to spell out the name…and mine is for up to four times a day …I try to keep mine to 3 times a day through out the day…though most I know do take them at nite for sleep…but I don’t think taking an extra one if u would need it would mess anything up one time… if u end up needing it.
    Hope u feel better and the extra k works…I am not a fan of the ECT..but if u end up doing that I hope it helps u…trying the nerve pill I think is a good idea..
    Try and relax..good that u found out what was bothering u and addressed it…u will get there one day. For now….u took care of u..most important thing.
    Hugs and love…

    Liked by 1 person


    • kmaramarie
      Mar 19, 2015 @ 23:51:49

      Yeah that friend is definitely a keeper 🙂 Thanks for your advice- the extra k did help. I haven’t made up my mind yet about the ECT. As long as I feel like I am not actually trying to find ways do die (right now, I’m doing more of the finding reasons not to…) then I feel like I can see what other ideas this doc has up his sleeve. But if it gets really bad again, then I’m giving it a shot. Have you had ECT or just read/know a lot about it?
      I know this is an old post, I’m just finding things I never responded to because I’m bored and looking over my blog…. you know… admiring myself. hahaha. Love ya

      Liked by 1 person


      • CC
        Mar 20, 2015 @ 00:34:14

        Ummm…………..if you really want my honest opinion I know a lot about ECT..and i would never tell anyone to do it who asked my opinion.
        The efficacy rate is not that great. You can lose the memories of the last five to ten years of your life, and I have talked to over twenty people personally who have had it done that this HAS happened to.
        it did not really help them…it is still an awful procedure even though now they put you to sleep for it..
        and so just fuck no I would never do it..i think it is now a money maker for many docs. they have rooms now a lot of times in inpatient psych hospitals to do it..which is fuckin scary as hell.
        you have to have it done regularly to keep up the effects.
        if it even works
        at all
        some say it has helped them… is a very last resort ..or supposed to be for people resistant to treatment but i saw it used immediately on almost everyone by certain docs for people who went inpatient when i was in the hospital which is why i say dollar signs.
        i have great respect for your doc to want to try other things.
        i would not do it for the simple fact of not remembering the last some odd years of my life..i mean wow
        those are my opinions on it..
        i would research it on both ends thoroughly before EVER deciding on it
        those who have good things to say AND bad.

        def admire your blog and is fuckin are you chick. -alex

        Liked by 1 person

      • kmaramarie
        Mar 20, 2015 @ 01:02:57

        Actually I’m taking opinions of all sorts 🙂 I’ve read of those experiences too, and have also talked with a few who’ve had good experiences. My psych doc doesn’t administer it himself and referred me to two different places if i wanted to pursue it so i don’t think it benefits him $ one way or the other. But yeah, i figure as a last resort, if the alternative is possible suicide, even losing memories might be worth it. And I’m not sure I’d agree to do it as inpatient, either. I DO really appreciate your feedback on it cause either way it scares the hell outta me!

        Liked by 1 person

      • CC
        Mar 20, 2015 @ 01:07:24

        yeah, i only gave it bc you asked. it is a very personal decision. i think it is money maker for those who do it.
        i respect your doc, for looking into other things first. but honey it is up to you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • kmaramarie
        Mar 20, 2015 @ 01:15:04

        Hopefully not a bridge in gonna have to cross 🙂 i think it’s great you are trying to give me what you know but also making clear you respect my space to make the decision. (As if I’d have expected anything different from you! )
        Sorry you are feeling in a weird head space tonight 😦 hope the skies get clearer soon.
        …still fangirlling you 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. a nose that is maori
    Apr 06, 2015 @ 22:59:49

    Hi. Trying to catch up 🙂 Where abouts are you in this process now? I am unsure about your psych doc. Is he someone you respect because he talks to you, and with you about your journey to wellness? I’m asking, and granted we’re in different countries so the med systems will be different, however here, we would not be referred on to another doctor for ECT – or for any other psychiatric reason. We generally stick to a psych doc until we’re eventually discharged from mental health services, or the psych doc’s contract comes to an end and we get to meet another psych doc. What I’m trying to say is this: I’m worried. I’m worried that your psych doc may not be doing his job well enough.

    I have a very long mental health history spanning over the last 30 years (I’m 46 this year). About 3 years ago, and sick of having to wake up and mimic something resembling a life every fucking day, I began researching ECT for myself. I thought something like “fuck – It’s been decades now and i’m still fucking struggling with the basics”. Pills, Psychotherapy and various religions over the years just weren’t holding me anymore. I was convinced I needed something more. Something heavy duty like. Something like ECT.

    Many years ago I had a friend who went ahead with ECT. I’m unable to recall whether she elected for the process, or whether it was suggested to her by a psych doc. It changed her life – for the better. She lost either her long term or short term memory – I can’t remember which it was (no pun intended). She didn’t care. She was alive in a way that she’d never known before. Like CC was saying, my friend had regular ECT’s to keep her like “topped up”.

    And then there’s my nephew. A very troubled man. He was a very troubled boy. History of sexual and emotional violence. Terribly isolated. He was / is an almost walking DSM unto himself. He was sectioned by the Courts to have ECT after he began acting out violently himself. The ECT made no productive difference. He did however, end up enduring severe headaches for years.

    For myself, and it was one of those twilight moments, the therapist that I had a that time was leaving his line of work and moving onto other things. As it turned out, he was the actual issue. I found a fantastic therapist and we spent the first year undoing the bullshit and damage that this other fuck had done. Had I of been with a useful therapist I would have had more of a chance to recover a lot sooner than what I have. Now, looking back, I’m really glad that I didn’t proceed with ECT. I’ve learnt so much about myself through therapy, music, gardening and other forms of art like photography and raising a grand-daughter. I wouldn’t have been able to achieve what I have (and it’s been a long painful road for most of it) however I have lived through much and there is still much more to go.

    Has the Clonazepam dosage helped at all? I think that stuff is gold!



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