Cutting my hands up

How do you still break my heart after so many damn years?  I get it now… I keep asking you for something you just don’t know how to give me.  Or maybe you don’t have it to give at all.  Can I fault you for that?  I know I keep faulting myself.  WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SEE ME?  love me?  Does anybody really ever see anybody else?  I’m sorry it makes you feel so conflicted.  I only want to understand… and… perhaps see.  Don’t you get that all these years, I have only wanted to see you too?

Is it wrong to want so little, so much?  I don’t know.  I just know it tears me up every time I try to find that line, that thread that connects me to you.  And with every question I ask, you just think I’m trying to hurt you?  I don’t understand.  And you tell me it’s just me.  Why do I have to make it so difficult?  Why do I need to know?

Somedays I want to run so far far away… find that solitude, cut away my past.  What if its the only way I can find myself?  But the strongest sword in the world never seems to completely hack away that tie.

You say it like I have some devious plot- to throw a bomb out into the midst and see what kind of conflict I can stir up?  Don’t you understand, the bomb dropped forever ago.  Its the shrapnel in my heart I’m trying to clear out.  Pieces with your name on it… just… help me.  Please.

But you don’t know how.


This will probably make nearly zero sense.  But this is the song I’m feeling right now.  It’s about a different kind of relationship so I changed the words to my words down below.  Just seemed to fit for me.

All the world just stopped now.  So you say you don’t want to try to understand anymore

Let me take a deep breath…

if you need me, me and him’ll be hanging out with the dream king.

He says hi, by the way

It don’t believe it’s cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream.

I think it’s “that girl”. I know there are pieces of me you’ve never seen.  Maybe I’m just pieces of me you’ve never seen well.

All the world is all I am

The black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand

All the world is dangling dangling dangling for me darlin’

You don’t know the power that you have with that tear in your hand.

Maybe I ain’t used to maybes smashing in a cold room

Cutting my hands up every time I touch you

Maybe it’s time to wave goodbye now… time… to wave… goodbye

Caught a ride with the moon. 

I know you well, well better than I used to

Haze all clouded up my mind in the daze of the way it could’ve never been

so you say and I say… I know I’m full of wish

But I tell you there’re pieces of me you’ve never seen

I’m just pieces of me you’ve never seen…

All the world is all that I am

The black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand.

All the world is dangling dangling dangling for me darlin’

You don’t know the power that you have with that tear in your hand.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. CC
    Mar 15, 2015 @ 12:25:40

    So fuckin powerful. I totally understood it. One of your best. Peace -alex

    Liked by 1 person


  2. Teri
    Mar 16, 2015 @ 21:42:39

    love you girl.

    Liked by 1 person


  3. a nose that is maori
    Mar 21, 2015 @ 23:29:26

    Wow. Unable to watch the vid however the lyrics hit like a punch!

    Liked by 1 person


    • kmaramarie
      Apr 05, 2015 @ 08:12:20

      Thanks. One of my favorite Tori songs if you ever get a chance to give it a listen!



      • a nose that is maori
        Apr 09, 2015 @ 08:12:45

        Just listened to it. She’s gorgeous. Loved your take on the lyrics too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • kmaramarie
        May 16, 2015 @ 19:25:47

        Thanks. She’s amazing. I named my blog after one of her songs. I also just realized I’m not following you. Just sent you a request though. Also, wanted to thank you for recommending a book to Alex or Regina… it was a while back. I just bought it, but it sounds like something I need right now (The Sexual Healing Journey.) I’ll let you know how the reading goes 🙂 Thanks for always checking in on my blog even though I have been totally the worst responder ever! I vow to do better!


      • a nose that is maori
        May 25, 2015 @ 03:49:24

        It is a pleasure to have you on board in our journal too. Thank you for having put yourself out there again. It was on my mind a couple of days earlier to figure out how to invite you so when you’re request turned up I was thrilled 🙂

        How are you finding the book?

        Liked by 1 person

      • kmaramarie
        May 29, 2015 @ 22:19:30

        oh wow… the book. it took me a minute to figure out what book. Ummm Kinda not reading it right now? Started to. Will come back to it. Too much other life stuff in the way right now. I have about 10-15 books I have gotten for my nook that have been waiting for my attention. I just haven’t had any to give them 😦


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