Not about angels

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so.  Lots of experiences to think and write about.  And today has kinda been a hard day.  I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling.  Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies.  But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk.  Was able to see my old friend Teri this week.  Haven’t seen her in over a year and  a half, but we were very close.  She was my “woo woo” friend.  We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together.  Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore.  And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside.  I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there.  If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside.  All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault.  I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either.  I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD?  Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you?  I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say.  And I can’t make the two coincide.  I just can’t.

But anyway,  back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. CC
    Mar 16, 2015 @ 12:54:12

    Are we connected somehow? Because I do totally believe in universal connections. I am still not sure I know how to describe them, but I believe them.
    This hit so close to home for me. This was amazing writing. All of it. The confusion, the process of forgiveness. Of finally figuring out the answer is inside of you.
    I know I used to be completely almost like addicted to psychics. I still love the tarot cards. And the occasional psychic. However, I know most are frauds. I also know trying to get a true reading with DID is next to impossible. LOL!
    I have had about three truly great readings and one amazing tarot read. But I finally also came to realize I do not need them. it is only when I am at my total end that I find I want to call out of desperation. I think that is how religious people feel. Why they believe. I know that the person is just going to more than likely tell me things that are going to soothe me. But I want someone to tell me something.
    I have learned to not call.
    (oh the one psychic would come to my home and actually was known to have predicted accurately every birth for everyone she had done a reading for in my home town..pretty cool, huh?)
    Anyway, back to you. sorry. I sooo get what you said. You are somewhat different than me. I go back and forth with forgiveness. or should I say, I work on the myself part.
    I don’t care about forgiving my abusers. The god thing though I totally understood your confusion, anger, stress…all that you were writing. I almost envy how well you can write out your feelings. I feel like I have lost that.
    thank you for what you share. You have no idea how much it means to me.
    I hope you start to feel better soon with your meds.
    much love and many hugs -CC

    Liked by 1 person


    • kmaramarie
      Mar 19, 2015 @ 23:42:40

      Dammit I was just looking through some older posts and realized I keep replying the wrong spot so you aren’t getting my replies to my comments! So I’m gonna try reposting. wooops 😦
      I think we are. I love seeing you pop up in my reader and in my comments. I can’t believe you feel like you have lost your ability to write your feelings. The depth of what you write sometimes AMAZES me. I don’t really care about forgiving the abuser either. I think it’s not so much about forgiveness for me anyway, as it just not needed to dwell on him so much. I don’t think HE is personally holding me back anymore, if that makes sense. Forgiving myself? Well, I don’t know if anyone ever fully does… maybe I have a different definition of forgiveness, but again, I don’t dwell as much on what -I- could have or should have done differently. It’s the future I can’t trust andthat I fear… and that comes down more to WANTING to trust in an outside influence that cares, but not really being able to believe that I can. I still find that psychics and tarot and stuff can still be helpful and still love exploring those things, but it comes more from how I personally choose to relate to the thing… not so much that I believe God or a higher power is sending me the answer or a specific message. I think I fooled myself into believing that for a long time, but I don’t think I ever was going to. And it was that moment in the bookstore that it really hit me that there were no answers for me there. Sad and anxiety inducing moment, because I don’t know how the hell I find what I’m looking for. I certainly don’t want it from religion which makes it hard to talk about with anyone because most have their very set beliefs… in my world anyway. So it’s here and a couple of friends that I can talk about it and sometimes make a fragment of a step of progress. Sometimes.
      Glad you get it 🙂 The brain is feeling a bit more balanced tonight too, so that’s a good thing!
      As for forgiving God… I guess… I don’t really want to. If He’s a being who has power to intervene but doesn’t, but also expects me to have faith, then I can’t forgive for all the atrocity in this world. So I try to create different versions of God, but haven’t found one that works for me yet. So I just keep getting stuck here.
      Dammit all! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person


  2. a nose that is maori
    Mar 22, 2015 @ 02:21:42

    I’m not that knowledgeable when it comes to some fancy words, however I think the word is “acronym” for GOD =’s: Good Orderly Direction. I heard that a few years ago when doing the AA and NA circuit. I’m not as messed up regarding that G.O.D word like I used to be. Somewhere along the line I came to the realisation like what you were talking about, where I just knew I had to first go within to find what I actually did believe – and believe me, I believed in a lot of crap that I wasn’t even aware of! Once most of that crap was dealt to and discarded, I felt more empowered all over, to make up my own mind about what I wanted to believe in and spiritually speaking, I believe in a little bit of everything from A-Z and I’m good with that although there is no building as such where everything I believe fits under yadda … At the end of the day, congratulate yourself for having the courage to firstly look within and then to come to your own conclusions on things …

    Liked by 1 person


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