Just a quick note…

I know I’ve been reblogging a lot.  I would like to write more… but a couple of things have kind of been in the way.  First- my big huge step last week.  Still no regrets.  But still having some anxiety anytime I sit at the computer.  Weird.  Every response I got to my post was WONDERFUL, but I wanted to reply to every comment and thank those who took the time to read my story and follow the links.  It just got kind of overwhelming when I started getting responses from people who didn’t know about my past and I felt I had to think more carefully about each response

I was really looking forward to therapy last week to show my therapist what I had posted.  He thought it was super great.  As he pointed out, I’ve been really stuck this whole last year (and longer, before I started seeing him) somewhere between flight and freeze.  He said I’d finally moved to Fight.  That doing what I did was Fighting.  And I totally agree it was a really healthy and necessary step for my own healing.  But it kind of makes sense that I would Fight a bit, then retreat back to safety, which is kind of what I’ve done.  Knowing that I’m entering a new phase in healing, however small or large that movement is, has caused me a lot of anxiety.  As I’ve said before, I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!  Even when it’s good, healthy, positive change, it is hard for me to adjust.  So… Anxiety- reason #1.

Also, the last few weeks, my shoulder pain has really started to flare.  It used to just hurt constantly at different levels, but give me 10-15 minutes on the computer and my whole right side starts to go numb.  So… having to be careful with that.  I also learned last week that I probably have Crohn’s, so taking any NSAID is probably not so good for me if I can avoid it.  That leaves me with Tylenol – which no longer works by itself- and oxycodone.  I tend to develop tolerance to almost any medication pretty quickly, so I have to try to keep my pain under control before it gets to the point I need a pain pill.  So- much less computer time for me.

I’m still going to be trying to catch up on everyone else’s blogs, just reading a lot on my tablet or phone, but probably won’t be leaving comments as often.  But if I’ve liked the post, it means I read it and I heard you.  And I might have to save some to come back and comment later.

Anyway- I just don’t want anyone to think I’ve disappeared or worry about me.  I’m doing ok.  Just have to get through this anxious period, which I think was both inevitable and probably a normal and ok response to events, and hopefully when I see my primary doc on Thursday we can come up with a new plan for my shoulder pain.  Because I don’t know what the HELL I’m going to do without being able to spend time on the computer!   AHHH.

Anyway, just wanted to check in with real words from me.   Probably you will see more reblogging for a while, and I’ll try to check in every once in a while.  I love what my blog has brought to me, wonderful people and ideas and a safe place to express my own stuff.  I refuse to give it up, shoulder pain or no!   Hope ya’all are doing well.  Love and Hugs tonight!

Hmm… I should add a fanvid, just for the hell of it.  Let me go find one (I promise it will be completely irrelevant to my post, just something I love and use to cope with!)

…….

Well I realized I don’t think I’ve ever posted a Doctor Who video, which is a shame!  And I had SUCH a hard time deciding which one to post.  But here’s the one I went with.  Doctor Who is awesome (though I have to admit my fangirl shame:  I have never seen the old series, just the new series starting with Christopher Eccelston as Nine. SO FAR!  Someday I will watch them all.)  If you’ve never seen it, give it a try… but give it a few episodes.  It’ll be nothing like you expect, but it will grow on you and live forever!  This vid features my personal favorite doctor, Ten, played by David Tennant, who, well, just, yum,  Also, I think the vidder, Seduff, does an excellent job, so just enjoy, and have a smile for me 🙂

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Reblog: How low can you go? Lets talk about Suicidal Thoughts.

This is an excellent post. yes, I agree that suicidal thoughts and responses can be different for everyone. The root of the thoughts can come from so many different places and sometimes hit us at the most unexpected of times. Right now, I don’t so much feel suicidal as just wishing my time was done. I’m tired of being sick and PTSD and I fear so often that life will only get harder and I just don’t have the energy or the will to fight anymore. But I have a couple of anchors and they’ve kept me from seriously considering suicide. Just… praying, pleading to God that I would die… that’s probably been my lowest so far and the biggest realization that I needed to be proactive to keep those thoughts from becoming something more. And I totally understand how sometimes those thoughts ARE soothing. My fight is to recognize that line between soothing and dangerous. I WANT to want to live. I want my nieces to not just maybe barely remember me, but KNOW me as they grow up. So I keep fighting.
Anyway, I’m reblogging because you also make very good points about the shame and the stigma associated with suicidal thoughts. We HAVE to be able to talk about it if we want to fight it. The shaming needs to end. Thank you also for including so many resources for help in so many locations. Great post. Always Keep Fighting…

Dearest Someone,

In my head I’m singing this Cha Cha Slide style… but in reality I’m just procrastinating. 

‘How low can ya go, can ya go down low?’

I feel this is a post I should write, I know I’m not obliged to, and I know that it is a sensitive subject, and I know, I know, I know, I know that even the matter of thinking about the subject of this post is a very sensitive issue.

But, it’s a matter than truly scares, upsets, angers me… because of the stigma. (And of course other factors.)

Suicidal Thoughts

My experience, my thoughts on these thoughts.

Currently, in this exact moment of time I am in an incredibly awesome place, the sun is shining like crazy, I’m sitting on my bed where you can see a glorious view of Birmingham’s city skyline. I’m listening (and singing along) to my favourite music, I’ve…

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Reblog: 16 POSTS HIJACKED BY FANDOMS

Thanks, I needed a smile right about now!

Lumos.Nerd

1. Supernatural

11

2. Doctor Who

15

3. Supernatural

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4. Doctor Who

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5. Doctor Who

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6. Harry Potter

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7. Doctor Who

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8. Harry Potter

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9. Doctor Who

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10. SuperWho

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11. Supernatural

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12. Supernatural 

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13. Supernatural

1

14. Harry Potter

12

15. Harry Potter

13

16. Doctor Who

14

Sources:

http://fandomsruiningposts.tumblr.com/page/33

http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/tumblr-posts-hijacked-by-fandoms

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Reblog: Vivisecting Supernatural- Parallels in Brother’s Keeper, Sacrifice, and Swan Song

I’ll give you your second reblogging! I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said here. For me- and I try not to have many concrete definitions or ideas about what the show is saying or where is going, but I think the show has always been about choosing love. Even if it can be destructive… choosing love will always be the more powerful thing. And it sucks that sometimes good things (Kevin, Charlie, etc.) get destroyed along the way. I don’t always like it, but I feel like consistently the show has always been about love being the more powerful choice. And while I feel like on one side they’ve shown God staying out of it all, they’ve also shown God to intervene more than once to put that choice in Sam and Dean’s hands. I kind of feel (and hope) that this might once again be a similar situation. I think (especially after Fan Fiction) God is still kind of keeping a close eye on Sam and Dean, and still ultimately giving them that choice to make. And I think it’s the choice he wants them to make. That even though the consequences may be harsh, it’s true to who they are as people and when they are given the choice (as themselves) it’s who he wants them to be. Even their losses are about love. Consider, if you’ve seen Torchwood, COE, do we want either of those characters to make the choice Jack does? Not that I’m critical of that choice, COE is an entirely different story and Jack, an entirely different character. But do any of us actually want to see Sam or Dean make a choice like that? I just don’t think that’s what the show is about. I think it’s ALWAYS ultimately going to be about choosing love. And I agree, I think in the end they’re either fighting together as a team, continuing that mission, or they’re going out together.
As for next season? I’m kind of hoping this gives them a chance to bring back Chuck and Gabriel, and maybe even Lucifer, because, AWESOME, right? Anyway, I got a bit wordy adding my 2 or 3 cents, but I love what you wrote! (And thanks for checking out my blog, it’s what brought me to yours! )

Cobweb Queen

It’s a couple of weeks since Brother’s Keeper aired, and this seemed like as good a time as any to address a few things. Namely, the parallels to Swan Song and Sacrifice.
While I considered Brother’s Keeper, on the whole, a strong finale- with a few reservations, but I’m not here to discuss those right now- I think Swan Song was better as a whole. However, when it comes to the devastating climaxes, the two are pretty much neck and neck.
Specifically, the it’s okay, Dean, I’ve got him scene in relation to the close your eyes scene.
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The parallels are pretty obvious. Both scenes involve one brother holding the other’s life- and the fate of the world- in their hand. Both involve that brother being under some kind of malevolent supernatural influence. Yet whereas Swan Song’s scene leads to Sam and Dean saving the world through their bond…

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And here it is…

Ok.  So I’m starting to experience that wave of anxiety that comes from sharing personal stuff with basically everyone you grew up with and knew you before “the incident”.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t regret doing it.  I’m glad I did it and I’ve had some great responses from people.  And CC – you’ve sent a ton of people my way, so thank you!  I figure at least 20 people did actually contact their state reps, possibly more did and just didn’t comment- which is totally cool!  I do feel like it was worth it and I do feel like it made a difference.  And whether people took any action or not, I feel I helped bring awareness to a cause that needs awareness!  I’m just finally getting hit and overwhelmed with just how many people actually saw that post on facebook.

See, I’m not super facebook savvy… I tagged a lot of people- the ones who already knew what had happened and had been supportive through that time in my life or were still in my life, and a few who I knew didn’t know, but I knew were the type of people who would take action if I asked them to.  What I didn’t realize is that tagging people makes it show up in their newsfeed so everyone they are friends with sees it as well.  AND everyone I tagged had to put up with notifications everytime someone liked it or commented, etc.  And it’s not that I’m not ok with all those extra people seeing it… I mean, I invited people to share it when I posted it… but like, I have 135 “friends” on facebook.  So I figured that many plus a few more were probably going to see it and eventually word would probably get around the old neighborhood like things do, but it didn’t occur to me that sooooo many people were going to see it all at once.  I mean, I have one friend who actually has nearly 1,000 friends on facebook.  And THAT number is really overwhelming right now.  Kinda putting a whole new spin on the question of, do I go to the HS reunion this summer or NOT?  dfa;skfj;asjdf;lsj fa;it

(sorry, keyboard vomit…)

Again, no regrets…. just the inevitable anxiety.  Yikes.  It’s OK.

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