Blank

I was an empty canvas, I had finally started to paint.

At long last I’d found courage to take up the task,

And I did slowly learn to create.

 
Bit by bit, I shed the scales of fear, but I had only just begun.

A toe, just tipped in the water, years of hiding to be undone.

 
I might have been so beautiful, but you broke into my place.

And I never can stop asking “what else might have been built within my space?”

 
And so, a toe pulled back, hiding  again in fear.

Burrowing ever so deeper to find some safety, even still, after all these years.

 
And yes, I am enraged when I let my fear be known

How else should I expect to feel, when my life has never been my own?

 
You held a fragile piece of what just might have been,

And with a mighty force you shattered it, brought the creation to an end.

 
And so I stand here, a painting I cannot complete.

At times I want to take up the brush, but my will’s become so weak.

 

… A brush here, a dab there… still I paint the best I can…

With hope one day this painting can still reveal exactly who I am.

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and that’s what I got

A story, in two songs.

Hear me…

… or not.

Holy shit the WHY

Even if nothing else in this song made sense, WHY is perfection.  There are no other words.  Which is good, ’cause I’m still short on them.  Just holy shit, the WHY.  (Flaw- Fall Into This)

“Fall Into This”

Torn away from all that matters
And led by the wrong intentions
I know it wouldn’t be too easy, not yet
To go somewhere I’m afraid of
It’s made of…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
No…

Wrong, nothing really matters
If I was gone, would it make you any sadder?
I feel half as good as normal, you know
To steal – what to steal – what’s already taken
Here I go again…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again

I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know…
That you did this to me, you did this to me!

Why?!
You did this to me, I just want to know
Why?!
You did this to me
And it starts

God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep again
And I feel my way
Thank you for making me talk
God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep
And I failed, I think you know

Eff (it’s that day again)

All of these things…

So I’m heading out of town again to see the doctor and get another scope of my illeostomy to see if it is doing better.  I know already it’s not.  I’ve been throwing up more often, just randomly, and my stoma is still pretty raw and bleeding.

However, this morning I lay in bed thinking of so many things… the sad, the awful, the traumatic… the lonely, the losses of so many precious things… but also of the triumphant and the beautiful.

I like who I am- even if I am a beautiful mess.  And all that pain… well it’s part of who I am.  But so is all that beauty and wonder and color.  I forget so often… but this song reminded me.

(AWOLNATION “I Am”)

Just embrace it!

Read the whole article.  It’s perfectly put.  Love this girl!

These Precious Things

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break
Let them wash away
These these precious things
Let them bleed now
Let them wash away
These these precious things
Let them break their hold over me

(Tori Amos- Precious Things)

Think I’m on to something,…?

So much has changed this last week.  Internal changes.  Things shifting and circling.   It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one.  Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH.  And I really wish I could write about it right now.  But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life.  That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has.  I want to write, but  I’m still sorting.  Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all.  I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway.  Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff.  But I think I’m on to something….!

Tinman

Video

Not Cool Internet!

Wasn’t going to post tonight, but right now I’m pissed.  And afraid to speak out about it, and pissed that there’s any reason to be afraid.  I love Felicia Day.  She’s a role model, not just for geeks and gaming, but just for a person like me, who yes happens to be a geek, but also just happens to be a women who wants to embrace who she is and shine as herself.  I’m endlessly fascinated by her talent, her creativity, her passion, and her acceptance of who she is.  Not to mention her ability to find time and opportunity to experience so many of the different things she’s interested in.  She has always appeared to be to be intelligent and genuine in what she does.  I about peed my pants when she was cast on Supernatural.  The pairing of my favorite role model and my favorite TV show???  NOTHING COULD BE GREATER.

And now?  She’s being attacked, threatened.  Like many other women in her industry right now.  And it’s not with criticism, valid or otherwise.  We’re talking rampant rape and death threats made to her and others.  It makes me sick.  What is wrong with these people?

“I haven’t been able to stomach the risk of being afraid to get out of my car in my own driveway because I’ve expressed an opinion that someone on the internet didn’t agree with. 

HOW SICK IS THAT? 

I have allowed a handful of anonymous people censor me. They have forced me, out of fear, into seeing myself a potential victim. 

And that makes me loathe not THEM, but MYSELF….

…I have lived a large part of my life ruled by negative emotions, mainly fear and anxiety. From my experience of working through those issues, I have this to say: Steeping yourself in the emotions that you’re surrounding yourself with, of hatred and bile and contempt, is ultimately not destructive to others like you want it to be. It’s destructive to yourself. “

(thisfeliciaday.tumblr.com/post/100700417809/the-only-thing-i-have-to-say-about-gamer-gate)

It’s not hard to see why I read those words and get affected.  Of course I understand them.  And that just makes me take it even more personally.

I’m not a gamer, so I can’t comment on the main issue surrounding all of this.  And I realize these kinds of threats are nothing new to the world, obviously- it’s why most of us are writing here.  But I don’t give a shit what the cause is, people who make these kinds of threats should take a left and head straight down to hell.  Right fucking now.

Felicia Day, I think you’re the awesomest awesome to ever awesome and I hope this passes sooner than later.

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