Blank

I was an empty canvas, I had finally started to paint.

At long last I’d found courage to take up the task,

And I did slowly learn to create.

 
Bit by bit, I shed the scales of fear, but I had only just begun.

A toe, just tipped in the water, years of hiding to be undone.

 
I might have been so beautiful, but you broke into my place.

And I never can stop asking “what else might have been built within my space?”

 
And so, a toe pulled back, hiding  again in fear.

Burrowing ever so deeper to find some safety, even still, after all these years.

 
And yes, I am enraged when I let my fear be known

How else should I expect to feel, when my life has never been my own?

 
You held a fragile piece of what just might have been,

And with a mighty force you shattered it, brought the creation to an end.

 
And so I stand here, a painting I cannot complete.

At times I want to take up the brush, but my will’s become so weak.

 

… A brush here, a dab there… still I paint the best I can…

With hope one day this painting can still reveal exactly who I am.

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and that’s what I got

A story, in two songs.

Hear me…

… or not.

Holy shit the WHY

Even if nothing else in this song made sense, WHY is perfection.  There are no other words.  Which is good, ’cause I’m still short on them.  Just holy shit, the WHY.  (Flaw- Fall Into This)

“Fall Into This”

Torn away from all that matters
And led by the wrong intentions
I know it wouldn’t be too easy, not yet
To go somewhere I’m afraid of
It’s made of…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
No…

Wrong, nothing really matters
If I was gone, would it make you any sadder?
I feel half as good as normal, you know
To steal – what to steal – what’s already taken
Here I go again…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again

I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know…
That you did this to me, you did this to me!

Why?!
You did this to me, I just want to know
Why?!
You did this to me
And it starts

God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep again
And I feel my way
Thank you for making me talk
God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep
And I failed, I think you know

Eff (it’s that day again)

All of these things…

So I’m heading out of town again to see the doctor and get another scope of my illeostomy to see if it is doing better.  I know already it’s not.  I’ve been throwing up more often, just randomly, and my stoma is still pretty raw and bleeding.

However, this morning I lay in bed thinking of so many things… the sad, the awful, the traumatic… the lonely, the losses of so many precious things… but also of the triumphant and the beautiful.

I like who I am- even if I am a beautiful mess.  And all that pain… well it’s part of who I am.  But so is all that beauty and wonder and color.  I forget so often… but this song reminded me.

(AWOLNATION “I Am”)

No time like the present, I guess!

Jeez.  I don’t even know where or what to start with.  I haven’t written in so long and so much has been going on.  I have this tendancy to think every single damn detail of what’s been happening is crucial to share… it irritates most people and I used to think it was just one of my little annoying traits.  Turns out, my therapist says it is PTSD related.  My brain can’t tell the difference between essential and non-essential information.  So, bear with me.

I’ve been keeping my distance from WP because there were some big changes happening in my life, new realizations and issues, and it all was just too overwhelming and sometimes painful to deal with long enough to write about it.  But I love my blog, I love the people here, and it’s time to get back… tonight I decided, no time like the present.

I’ve written before about wanting to have kids but being unsure about many things in that regard due to my health.  Sorry if I repeat any health info, but I can’t remember right now what I’d shared and what I hadn’t.  Shortly after my surgery last year to have my illeostomy, I noticed my periods were abnormal and extremely painful.  I went to the OB/GYN here, and after some ultrasounds and MRIs she told me my fallopian tubes were about 5 times too large.  There was inflammation and some other things going on that basically meant the ONLY way I could possibly get pregnant was if the tubes came out, then we would have to try IVF.  But the advice, because of my previous difficult surgeries, was to have a complete hysterectomy when I had surgery.  There was no rush… I had time to consider some things.

A very dear friend of mine had offered to be a surrogate if I needed.  We already knew pregnancy would be difficult because of the continuing health issues and all the scar tissue.  So at this point, it became sort of the plan.  Both my husband and I felt though, that I had to have some improvement in my mental and physical health before we jumped into anything.  I’d looked at the numbers and I knew the cost of surrogacy would be an issue… but I clung to it anyway… because it just had to work out.  I could not imagine what my life and future would be without having a family.  And I wasn’t going to let money be the thing that kept me from it.

I was positive that with this plan, I’d get my damn butt off the couch and start to take care of life so that I could prove I could take care of a kid.  It seemed so obvious to me that if I wanted that the most, then it would be enough to overcome the difficulties I was feeling just with day to day life.  But it didn’t really work that way.  For months I sat surrounded with the same mess everyday telling myself I was going to get it together.  In the mean time, my periods got much worse, and so did my IBD.

I now have small bowel inflammation, though they don’t know for sure if it’s Crohn’s.  But I had to go back on Humira, and I started on Imuran (now I’m on 6mp)… these are chemo-type drugs and they warn extensively against getting pregnant.  But the drs said I should still be able to do IVF with the surrogate.  So I clung to it.  But as time passed and I watched my sister take care of her two daughters… as I tried to keep up with my neices for just a weekend at a time… I finally had to accept some things.  I wasn’t any closer to feeling healthy enough to take care of a baby, and the reality was that we were never going to be able to afford it.  And I realized at the same time that I had always known this… I’d just been unable to face it.

So we came to a decision that it was time to have the hysterectomy.  If I ever get as healthy as I’d like, then adoption may be in our future… but right now… it’s out of my hands.  I hated making the decision, but also knew without a doubt it was the right one.

Still… I grieved.

I had my hysterectory Oct 21st.  I was DETERMINED to be out of the hospital in 9 days or less.  I had already gotten tickets to see Bo Burnham in SLC on the 31st and I had been looking forward to it for MONTHS.  No way was I going to miss this show.  And the drs were sure it would be a 2-3 days stay… hmm but guess what.

My colorectal surgeon always referrs to my abdomen as being a very “hostile” environment.  They had 6 HOURS scheduled for my surgery because based on previous experience, she (my CRS assisted) expected to have to remove a lot of scar tissue.  It was still a mess in there, but they finished in 4 hours, so that was good.  And I was doing really well for the first few days.  Then, the night before I was supposed to be released, all hell broke loose.  I was up ALL night throwing up.  I don’t think I have ever in my life thrown up that much.  It just kept coming.  I didn’t sleep at all (neither did my poor husband!).  And it just kept going.  After that night, I couldn’t even keep the clear liquid diet down.  I’d developed what they call a post op ileus.  Which basically means my digestive system shutdown.  Not really a huge surprise.  6th surgery in 4 years and they’ve all followed this pattern, worse each time.  HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT!  (There were actually a lot of nightmarish aspects to this hospital stay but I’m not going to get into it all.)  Bottom line- I did get released on the 31st… but I still couldn’t eat or drink and hadn’t in days.  They sent me home on TPN- which is basically a “portable” IV (a PICC line) to “feed” me all my calories and such.

Needless to say I missed Bo Burnham.

I actually just came off TPN a couple of days ago.  Still having trouble eating regularly, but we decided it was time to try it.  Doing ok so far, still taking lots of nausea meds, sleeping a lot, etc.  But the last 2 months have completely passed me by.  I feel kind of lost right now.  I’ve been trying to catch up on other people’s blogs… but I still get really overwhelmed easy.  So, I’m sorry for such an extended absence.  I know it’s understandable, but I’m sorry for myself and all I have missed.  Gonna try to be back more often though.  (I know, I say this a lot… Doing my best!)

Still so fucking sad I didn’t get to see Bo.  I think that depresses me more than any thing else about that hospital stay.  Oh fucking well.  (I added that last fuck for you CC! haha)

 

Enjoy your burrito…

Enjoy your burrito.  Enjoy my burrito.  God knows I’d like to.

It may be necessary to explain this phrase, especially if you’re not the nerd I am:

Enjoy your burrito

Nerdist Presents: Enjoy Your Burrito

And damn, if that’s not good advice.  But… it’s not really working.  I think I found a more appropriate description to how I feel these days….

(Watch the video, read the lyrics and watch it one more time.  You think this bit is about comedy, but the whole damn thing is much, much deeper and I think every word is a metaphor for something else…)

It takes a couple minutes into the song, but this is what my burrito is like these days:

Lyrics by Bo Burnham

Can I say my shit?
Can I say my shit?
I’ve got lots of shit to say
I’ve got lots of shit to say
I can’t fit my hand inside a pringle can
I have a huge amount of trouble
Fitting my hand inside a pringle can
I can get my hand like four inches in
But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth
But then a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can
So they all go spilling onto my face
What I’m trying to say is that the diameter
Of pringle cans are way too small
I’ll say it again
The diameter of a pringle can is way too small
Two raidiuses of a pringle can is way too small
If you feel me, put your hands up
Come on!
If you feel me, put your hands up
Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a pringle can
Those hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can
Your hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can
You think you can, I know you can
Pringles!
Listen to the people, I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get
Are about the fucking width of your cans
We’re not animals
Okay, I’ve overdone the pringles thing
Sorry
I want to have a daughter
I want to have a daughter
So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands
Into pringle cans
Yes, I’m still on the pringle cans thing!
I will move on, alright?
But that is priority numbero uno
I don’t go to the gym
Because I’m self concious about my body
But I’m self concious about my body because I don’t go to the gym
Isn’t that- That’s irony
Irony can be painful
Alright, let’s do this
Let’s do this!
I went to Chipotle
I went to Chipotle
And I got myself a chicken burrito
I went down the line, and I got all these ingredients
And at the end of the line
The guy tried to wrap the burrito
But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out
I was like, dude you should have warned me!
You’re a burrito expert
You should have told me halfway through!
Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here
Do you fucking think I want a messy burrito?
No one wants a messy burrito
The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained
Within the confines of the tortilla
I wouldn’t have gotten half of the shit if I knew it wasn’t gonna fit inside it! Alright?
I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got
Half of it
I’m okay with small mistakes
If you’ve got no more chicken, I’ll take pork
But I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork
I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got half of it right
Half of it right
Half of it right
Half of it right now
I think it’s time I
Think it’s time I think we’ll break it down

Put the lotion in the basket
No, they’re too young
I can sit here and pretend
Like my biggest problems are
Pringle cans
And burritos
But the truth is, my biggest problem is you
I want to please you
But I want to stay true to myself
I want to give you the night out that you deserve
But I want to say what I think
And not care what you think about it
Part of me loves you
Part of me hates you
Part of me needs you
Part of me fears you
And I don’t think that I can handle this right now
I don’t think that I can handle this right now
I don’t think that I can handle this right now

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
They don’t even know the half of this right now
Look at them, they’re just staring at me
Like come and watch the
Skinny kid with a
Steadily declining mental health
And laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
They don’t even know the half of this right now
They don’t even know the half of it
But I know I’m not a doctor
I’m a pussy who puts
On a silly show
So I should probably just shut up
And do my job
So here I go

I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got half
You can tell them anything if
You just make it funny
Make it rhyme
If they still don’t understand you
Then you
Run it one more time

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
If you think that I can handle this right now
Then you don’t even know the half of this right now
Right now
Now
Handle this right
Handle this right
Handle this right now

Just a quick note…

I know I’ve been reblogging a lot.  I would like to write more… but a couple of things have kind of been in the way.  First- my big huge step last week.  Still no regrets.  But still having some anxiety anytime I sit at the computer.  Weird.  Every response I got to my post was WONDERFUL, but I wanted to reply to every comment and thank those who took the time to read my story and follow the links.  It just got kind of overwhelming when I started getting responses from people who didn’t know about my past and I felt I had to think more carefully about each response

I was really looking forward to therapy last week to show my therapist what I had posted.  He thought it was super great.  As he pointed out, I’ve been really stuck this whole last year (and longer, before I started seeing him) somewhere between flight and freeze.  He said I’d finally moved to Fight.  That doing what I did was Fighting.  And I totally agree it was a really healthy and necessary step for my own healing.  But it kind of makes sense that I would Fight a bit, then retreat back to safety, which is kind of what I’ve done.  Knowing that I’m entering a new phase in healing, however small or large that movement is, has caused me a lot of anxiety.  As I’ve said before, I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!  Even when it’s good, healthy, positive change, it is hard for me to adjust.  So… Anxiety- reason #1.

Also, the last few weeks, my shoulder pain has really started to flare.  It used to just hurt constantly at different levels, but give me 10-15 minutes on the computer and my whole right side starts to go numb.  So… having to be careful with that.  I also learned last week that I probably have Crohn’s, so taking any NSAID is probably not so good for me if I can avoid it.  That leaves me with Tylenol – which no longer works by itself- and oxycodone.  I tend to develop tolerance to almost any medication pretty quickly, so I have to try to keep my pain under control before it gets to the point I need a pain pill.  So- much less computer time for me.

I’m still going to be trying to catch up on everyone else’s blogs, just reading a lot on my tablet or phone, but probably won’t be leaving comments as often.  But if I’ve liked the post, it means I read it and I heard you.  And I might have to save some to come back and comment later.

Anyway- I just don’t want anyone to think I’ve disappeared or worry about me.  I’m doing ok.  Just have to get through this anxious period, which I think was both inevitable and probably a normal and ok response to events, and hopefully when I see my primary doc on Thursday we can come up with a new plan for my shoulder pain.  Because I don’t know what the HELL I’m going to do without being able to spend time on the computer!   AHHH.

Anyway, just wanted to check in with real words from me.   Probably you will see more reblogging for a while, and I’ll try to check in every once in a while.  I love what my blog has brought to me, wonderful people and ideas and a safe place to express my own stuff.  I refuse to give it up, shoulder pain or no!   Hope ya’all are doing well.  Love and Hugs tonight!

Hmm… I should add a fanvid, just for the hell of it.  Let me go find one (I promise it will be completely irrelevant to my post, just something I love and use to cope with!)

…….

Well I realized I don’t think I’ve ever posted a Doctor Who video, which is a shame!  And I had SUCH a hard time deciding which one to post.  But here’s the one I went with.  Doctor Who is awesome (though I have to admit my fangirl shame:  I have never seen the old series, just the new series starting with Christopher Eccelston as Nine. SO FAR!  Someday I will watch them all.)  If you’ve never seen it, give it a try… but give it a few episodes.  It’ll be nothing like you expect, but it will grow on you and live forever!  This vid features my personal favorite doctor, Ten, played by David Tennant, who, well, just, yum,  Also, I think the vidder, Seduff, does an excellent job, so just enjoy, and have a smile for me 🙂

Reblog: How low can you go? Lets talk about Suicidal Thoughts.

This is an excellent post. yes, I agree that suicidal thoughts and responses can be different for everyone. The root of the thoughts can come from so many different places and sometimes hit us at the most unexpected of times. Right now, I don’t so much feel suicidal as just wishing my time was done. I’m tired of being sick and PTSD and I fear so often that life will only get harder and I just don’t have the energy or the will to fight anymore. But I have a couple of anchors and they’ve kept me from seriously considering suicide. Just… praying, pleading to God that I would die… that’s probably been my lowest so far and the biggest realization that I needed to be proactive to keep those thoughts from becoming something more. And I totally understand how sometimes those thoughts ARE soothing. My fight is to recognize that line between soothing and dangerous. I WANT to want to live. I want my nieces to not just maybe barely remember me, but KNOW me as they grow up. So I keep fighting.
Anyway, I’m reblogging because you also make very good points about the shame and the stigma associated with suicidal thoughts. We HAVE to be able to talk about it if we want to fight it. The shaming needs to end. Thank you also for including so many resources for help in so many locations. Great post. Always Keep Fighting…

Dearest Someone,

In my head I’m singing this Cha Cha Slide style… but in reality I’m just procrastinating. 

‘How low can ya go, can ya go down low?’

I feel this is a post I should write, I know I’m not obliged to, and I know that it is a sensitive subject, and I know, I know, I know, I know that even the matter of thinking about the subject of this post is a very sensitive issue.

But, it’s a matter than truly scares, upsets, angers me… because of the stigma. (And of course other factors.)

Suicidal Thoughts

My experience, my thoughts on these thoughts.

Currently, in this exact moment of time I am in an incredibly awesome place, the sun is shining like crazy, I’m sitting on my bed where you can see a glorious view of Birmingham’s city skyline. I’m listening (and singing along) to my favourite music, I’ve…

View original post 1,090 more words

And here it is…

Ok.  So I’m starting to experience that wave of anxiety that comes from sharing personal stuff with basically everyone you grew up with and knew you before “the incident”.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t regret doing it.  I’m glad I did it and I’ve had some great responses from people.  And CC – you’ve sent a ton of people my way, so thank you!  I figure at least 20 people did actually contact their state reps, possibly more did and just didn’t comment- which is totally cool!  I do feel like it was worth it and I do feel like it made a difference.  And whether people took any action or not, I feel I helped bring awareness to a cause that needs awareness!  I’m just finally getting hit and overwhelmed with just how many people actually saw that post on facebook.

See, I’m not super facebook savvy… I tagged a lot of people- the ones who already knew what had happened and had been supportive through that time in my life or were still in my life, and a few who I knew didn’t know, but I knew were the type of people who would take action if I asked them to.  What I didn’t realize is that tagging people makes it show up in their newsfeed so everyone they are friends with sees it as well.  AND everyone I tagged had to put up with notifications everytime someone liked it or commented, etc.  And it’s not that I’m not ok with all those extra people seeing it… I mean, I invited people to share it when I posted it… but like, I have 135 “friends” on facebook.  So I figured that many plus a few more were probably going to see it and eventually word would probably get around the old neighborhood like things do, but it didn’t occur to me that sooooo many people were going to see it all at once.  I mean, I have one friend who actually has nearly 1,000 friends on facebook.  And THAT number is really overwhelming right now.  Kinda putting a whole new spin on the question of, do I go to the HS reunion this summer or NOT?  dfa;skfj;asjdf;lsj fa;it

(sorry, keyboard vomit…)

Again, no regrets…. just the inevitable anxiety.  Yikes.  It’s OK.

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