Blank

I was an empty canvas, I had finally started to paint.

At long last I’d found courage to take up the task,

And I did slowly learn to create.

 
Bit by bit, I shed the scales of fear, but I had only just begun.

A toe, just tipped in the water, years of hiding to be undone.

 
I might have been so beautiful, but you broke into my place.

And I never can stop asking “what else might have been built within my space?”

 
And so, a toe pulled back, hiding  again in fear.

Burrowing ever so deeper to find some safety, even still, after all these years.

 
And yes, I am enraged when I let my fear be known

How else should I expect to feel, when my life has never been my own?

 
You held a fragile piece of what just might have been,

And with a mighty force you shattered it, brought the creation to an end.

 
And so I stand here, a painting I cannot complete.

At times I want to take up the brush, but my will’s become so weak.

 

… A brush here, a dab there… still I paint the best I can…

With hope one day this painting can still reveal exactly who I am.

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Holy shit the WHY

Even if nothing else in this song made sense, WHY is perfection.  There are no other words.  Which is good, ’cause I’m still short on them.  Just holy shit, the WHY.  (Flaw- Fall Into This)

“Fall Into This”

Torn away from all that matters
And led by the wrong intentions
I know it wouldn’t be too easy, not yet
To go somewhere I’m afraid of
It’s made of…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
No…

Wrong, nothing really matters
If I was gone, would it make you any sadder?
I feel half as good as normal, you know
To steal – what to steal – what’s already taken
Here I go again…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again

I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know…
That you did this to me, you did this to me!

Why?!
You did this to me, I just want to know
Why?!
You did this to me
And it starts

God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep again
And I feel my way
Thank you for making me talk
God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep
And I failed, I think you know

Hey Jupiter

Small step… write about one thing…

 

I’ve been listening to Tori’s “Boys for Pele” a lot lately.  It’s kinda always been a special one for me, though not easy to put into words why.  But it’s a cd I got shortly after the rape.  I wasn’t feeling a whole lot of anything then and what I was wasn’t great.  Something about this music though hit me in an emotional way most music hadn’t, and in a way that not much at that time really was.  I don’t understand about half the lyrics, but there is so much emotion that comes through in the music, it doesn’t even matter.

Kind of funny then, to read the wiki on this album (the whole page is rather interesting…):

“Two underlying currents run through Boys for Pele: exploring the role of women in both patriarchal religion and relationships. Amos had previously written songs in a religious and/or theological context (“Crucify” from Little Earthquakes (1992), “God” from Under the Pink), but her viewpoint takes a particularly feminist slant on this album. “The feminine part of God has been circumcised out of all religions… God (is) a patriarchal force, a very masculine energy, with the feminine having been subservient, either being the mother, the lover, the virgin, but never the equal, never to have the whole.”[15] “Muhammad My Friend”, the eighth track on the album, best represents this aspect of the album’s theme with the line, “It’s time to tell the world/We both know it was a girl back in Bethlehem…

…The album’s cover is a photo of Amos holding a large rifle, sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of an old wooden building. One of her legs is out of her pants and flung over the side of the chair. A snake coils around the chair and a large rooster hangs from the roof of the porch. The image is a nod to her song “Me and a Gun,” which appears on the album Little Earthquakes and recounts a rape she sustained. “Well, it’s [the cover of the album] a reference to Me and a Gun, a song I wrote that was on Little Earthquakes. And the idea that there’s a dead cock on my right and a live snake on my left. And the idea is that death and life… creation… what it’s taken me to get here with men, and I don’t want to be angry anymore. And you turn it over and you put the gun down, but I’m not pretending what it’s taken to get me here. But no more resentment.” [Live105 San Francisco (radio) – February 7, 1996] It was taken by Cindy Palmano in October 1995 in New Orleans.[21]

The first song from the album I ever heard and still a favorite:

 

“Hey Jupiter”

No one’s picking up the phone
Guess it’s me and me
And this little masochist
She’s ready to confess
All the things that I never thought
That she could feel

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay?
Are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought I wouldn’t have to be with you
Something new

Sometimes I breathe you in
And I know that you know
And sometimes you take a swim
Found your writing on my wall
You left my heart soaking wet
Boy your boots can leave a mess

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay?
Are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought you wouldn’t have to keep
With me
Hiding

Thought I knew myself so well
All the dolls I had
Took my leather off the shelf
Your apocalypse was fab
For a girl who couldn’t choose between
The shower or the bath

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be
With you
A magazine

No one’s picking up the phone
Guess it’s clear he’s gone
And this little masochist
Is lifting up her dress
Guess I thought I could never feel
The things I feel

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay?
Are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you safe?
Now we’re through?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
Hey Jupiter

I was an angel

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I need
Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Looking to get fucked hard
Like a groupie incognito posing as a real singer
Life imitates art

You got that medicine I need
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart please
I don’t really wanna know what’s good for me
God’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me
Crazy –
Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me.  Did it work?  Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video.  HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version.  Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

=-=-=-=

Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…!  (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

Not about angels

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so.  Lots of experiences to think and write about.  And today has kinda been a hard day.  I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling.  Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies.  But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk.  Was able to see my old friend Teri this week.  Haven’t seen her in over a year and  a half, but we were very close.  She was my “woo woo” friend.  We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together.  Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore.  And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside.  I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there.  If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside.  All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault.  I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either.  I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD?  Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you?  I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say.  And I can’t make the two coincide.  I just can’t.

But anyway,  back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

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