Not about angels

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so.  Lots of experiences to think and write about.  And today has kinda been a hard day.  I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling.  Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies.  But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk.  Was able to see my old friend Teri this week.  Haven’t seen her in over a year and  a half, but we were very close.  She was my “woo woo” friend.  We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together.  Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore.  And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside.  I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there.  If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside.  All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault.  I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either.  I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD?  Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you?  I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say.  And I can’t make the two coincide.  I just can’t.

But anyway,  back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

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Cutting my hands up

How do you still break my heart after so many damn years?  I get it now… I keep asking you for something you just don’t know how to give me.  Or maybe you don’t have it to give at all.  Can I fault you for that?  I know I keep faulting myself.  WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SEE ME?  love me?  Does anybody really ever see anybody else?  I’m sorry it makes you feel so conflicted.  I only want to understand… and… perhaps see.  Don’t you get that all these years, I have only wanted to see you too?

Is it wrong to want so little, so much?  I don’t know.  I just know it tears me up every time I try to find that line, that thread that connects me to you.  And with every question I ask, you just think I’m trying to hurt you?  I don’t understand.  And you tell me it’s just me.  Why do I have to make it so difficult?  Why do I need to know?

Somedays I want to run so far far away… find that solitude, cut away my past.  What if its the only way I can find myself?  But the strongest sword in the world never seems to completely hack away that tie.

You say it like I have some devious plot- to throw a bomb out into the midst and see what kind of conflict I can stir up?  Don’t you understand, the bomb dropped forever ago.  Its the shrapnel in my heart I’m trying to clear out.  Pieces with your name on it… just… help me.  Please.

But you don’t know how.

=-=-=

This will probably make nearly zero sense.  But this is the song I’m feeling right now.  It’s about a different kind of relationship so I changed the words to my words down below.  Just seemed to fit for me.

All the world just stopped now.  So you say you don’t want to try to understand anymore

Let me take a deep breath…

if you need me, me and him’ll be hanging out with the dream king.

He says hi, by the way

It don’t believe it’s cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream.

I think it’s “that girl”. I know there are pieces of me you’ve never seen.  Maybe I’m just pieces of me you’ve never seen well.

All the world is all I am

The black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand

All the world is dangling dangling dangling for me darlin’

You don’t know the power that you have with that tear in your hand.

Maybe I ain’t used to maybes smashing in a cold room

Cutting my hands up every time I touch you

Maybe it’s time to wave goodbye now… time… to wave… goodbye

Caught a ride with the moon. 

I know you well, well better than I used to

Haze all clouded up my mind in the daze of the way it could’ve never been

so you say and I say… I know I’m full of wish

But I tell you there’re pieces of me you’ve never seen

I’m just pieces of me you’ve never seen…

All the world is all that I am

The black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand.

All the world is dangling dangling dangling for me darlin’

You don’t know the power that you have with that tear in your hand.

Not an angry girl

lyrics: 
i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain’t no damsel in distress
and i don’t need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you’d prefer a maiden fair
isn’t there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you’re a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they’d prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn’t be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don’t you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don’t want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl

Schooled by Shirley Manson

So, this is a super quick post… MUCH going on in my head these last few days…. SO MUCH.  Things are shifting and just stuff I was NOT expecting right now.  It’s good though.  But anyway, watched a great vid last night – Shirley Manson talking about getting old and fear.  Totally got to give myself this pep talk more often!

The Sound of My Heart

I don’t know if anything has ever touched me so deeply,  If you could hear my heart… This is her song.  “The Heart Asks Pleasure First – The Promise” by Michael Nyman from “The Piano.”

I love this song so much that I continually play it badly on the piano every chance I get.  It would be awesome to master someday and let the song flow from my body itself.  But for now…

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