All of these things…

So I’m heading out of town again to see the doctor and get another scope of my illeostomy to see if it is doing better.  I know already it’s not.  I’ve been throwing up more often, just randomly, and my stoma is still pretty raw and bleeding.

However, this morning I lay in bed thinking of so many things… the sad, the awful, the traumatic… the lonely, the losses of so many precious things… but also of the triumphant and the beautiful.

I like who I am- even if I am a beautiful mess.  And all that pain… well it’s part of who I am.  But so is all that beauty and wonder and color.  I forget so often… but this song reminded me.

(AWOLNATION “I Am”)

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Fantasy Camp

So we’ve been trying to create my “safe place” in therapy.  It’s not been easy.  The very idea of safety seems, to me, such a falsehood… the best I could do was start with a “happy place.”  That part was kind of easy.  There’s a place we used to go camping when I was a kid.  It’s still the one place I try to visit every summer, even if it’s a short visit.  Something about the mountains and nature in general has also been so calming to me, but this place in particular, seems to still hold a certain magic. Probably remnants of the magic I felt as a child everytime we got to go.  100_0250 SNC00083

So, once we identified the place… we had to figure out how to make it safe.  My homework this week has been to try bringing people into the space that would meet those needs and make it a “safe place.”  The hardest need for me to meet was emotional safety and support.  I tried really hard bringing real life people into my space to meet all these needs, but this was the one I just couldn’t quite fill.  So my therapist suggested trying characters from the books I read or the shows I watch… (he knows I’m a huge geek).

So I gave this a try, but found that I have a really difficult time, if not a complete inability, to separate emotional intimacy from physical intimacy.  Which, when I realized this, made a lot of sense.  However, I finally did think of someone that I think can offer me the emotional support, without it getting confused with physical stuff.  And he’s kind of a cross between fantasy and real-life.  I referred to him once as “my ghosty best friend”… he passed away nearly 2 years ago.  I’ll save the details of that friendship for another day, but the memory I have of him… I can sit there next to him in the mountains in silence or in tears and it feels ok.

So I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about who I’d bring to the mountain with me and today I was having a bit of fun with it.  I thought it’d be fun and good for me to write it down.  GBF (Ghosty Best Friend) is the only real life person there right now… but…

My fantasy camp would be accessible through various secret portals that are only accessible to the people I’ve invited here.  It’s gonna get a little crowded in here, but it’s fantasy, so there’s plenty of room to go around.  (Yes, I AM about to go through a giant list of favorite book and tv characters so, buckle in!!)

OF COURSE, I have to start with…

BuffySeason8_40

Buffy Summers.

(I know, you were probably expecting someone else, but we’ll get there…)

How can you not feel safe with a Slayer on your team?  I mean, she’s saved the world, a lot.  She’s got the physical skills, and emotionally, she’s had to carry the weight of the world.  Buffy spends time at the camp training other Slayers and of course, ME, to fight.  Plus, we’re great pals 🙂

And while we’re in Buffy’s world… I’m going to have to invite:

images

Willow Rosenburg and Tara Maclay.

I’ve always felt an affinity for Willow and Tara is just plain the best.  Plus these girls have some real power between them.  They bring their awesomeness and magical knowledge to share with the camp.

images (17)

Oz.

He’s a musician, a werewolf, and all-around cool guy. I mean, Oz would be awesome to hang out with.   So,while he brings some physical skills to the table, mostly I just wanna hang out.

images (34)Rupert Giles.

Of course, Giles has to be there.  He just does.

images (50)angel-amy-acker-fred-illyria-dvdbash-wordpress26tumblr_lcj1nvLY5W1qecbnjo1_500

 Winifred “Fred” Burkle / Illyria.

In my fantasy camp, they coexist together.  Fred is basically the best, and Illyria is a badass.  What kind of super camp would this be without them?

angel1 buffy-cast-deaths-on-buffy-the-vampire-slayer-7050579-400-300

Anya, Angel, Spike, Cordelia, Lorne, Faith…

and basically the rest of the team, ’cause I wanna be Scooby.

MOVING ON!  (Man, this list is going to get long….I really wanted to list everyone individually, but I’m finding this to be soooo time consuming because I don’t know how to format this page properly!  haha… I think I might have to do more group listings…)

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Sam and Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Castiel, Ellen and Jo Harvelle.

“Family don’t end with blood…”

These guys have all given everything to save the world… they don’t have much, but they have each other.  And they’re gonna go down fighting.  I’d want every one of them on my team.  These guys could probably teach me a thing or two about fighting, too.

John_and_MAry_in_nursery  tumblr_inline_nm6qx5XYyT1rfvmaxsupernatural_118469_top tumblr_miymwoOjAg1qcm0jmo1_250

Young John and Mary Winchester, Charlie Bradbury, Gabriel, and Chuck Shirley.

Ummm, you’d be crazy not to want Chuck on your side 🙂

Charlie- you are my heart and soul and you will live happily ever after at camp!

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Osric Chau and Kim Rhodes

As much as I love their characters on SPN, mostly I just want them to join my camp and be my friends.

NEXT UP:

TV Show-Firefly-759

Um the whole crew from Serenity?

I feel this needs no explanation.

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Also the Leverage team.

I just want to be part of the team 🙂  It looks like fun…

Ok.  I am NOT done with my fantasy camp invitations.  But I’ve totally run out of steam 😦  This is fun though.  Building my own little world… maybe I can imagine a safe place after all…

To Be Continued…!

Just embrace it!

Read the whole article.  It’s perfectly put.  Love this girl!

Schooled by Shirley Manson

So, this is a super quick post… MUCH going on in my head these last few days…. SO MUCH.  Things are shifting and just stuff I was NOT expecting right now.  It’s good though.  But anyway, watched a great vid last night – Shirley Manson talking about getting old and fear.  Totally got to give myself this pep talk more often!

Me?

So I am beyond honored to have been nominated for my first blogging award!  Can’t even really express what it means to know that my words here have real meaning for anyone but myself!  Thank you soooo much to HeathersHelpers.org for nominating me for the “Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award”!

sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award11

Since this is my first time doing this, I will TRY to follow the “rules” here 🙂  10 questions were sent to me to answer:

  1. Since you are all writers, what is the best compliment someone could give you about your writing?
    The biggest compliment really is just to know that what I have to say is being heard and that it means something to someone else.  Even though I actually do know all the “writing rules”, I tend to type whatever comes out, so I don’t care much about my “writing” here, so much as I care about being able to express myself and having someone understand that.  The best compliment is all the wonderful people I have met through this blog!
  2. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard anyone say? Who knew this one would be so difficult to answer?  I couldn’t think of something off the top of my head so I sorta cheated and looked through my pinterest quotes.  AND I CAME UP WITH SO MANY!  BUT in all my life there is one thing I remember my mom telling me when I was very young and it has stuck with me through probably 30 years.  I’d forgotten to do something sort of church related and I felt terrible.  My mom said “Don’t worry.  God knows the intentions of your heart.”  And while God has come to mean a lot of different things to me over the years, those words still give me peace when I feel doubt about things.  God knows the intentions of my heart.  And if my heart is true, then I am ok.  So thanks, Mom ❤
  3. How would you describe yourself? Hmmmm.  Colorful.  Creative.  Intelligent.  Needs Repair but Still chugging along!  Nerd/Geek.  Completely obsessed or totally indifferent.  Still searching.  Curious.  Empathetic.  Caring.  Deeply emotional.  In my heart of hearts, I’m amazing.  That scares the shit out of me.
  4. What would you regret not doing in your life?  Surviving.  Making the pain mean something.
  5. Where do you find peace? Music, art.  Chai with a friend.  The arms of someone who gets me.
  6. What are you grateful for? Family.  My husband.  Color.  Bellydance.  Music.  Beauty in life.  A roof over my head.  Having my basic needs met even though there may not be a lot left over sometimes, there is always enough. 
  7. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? You are fucking awesome.  (I wouldn’t have believed it back then, but I wish I’d known.  I wish I hadn’t disliked myself so much.)
  8. What stresses you out? Not meeting my own expectations.  Not being the person I see in my head.  Feeling guilty about what I don’t accomplish.
  9. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal? Fear?
  10. What inspires you?  I’m inspired by a lot of fictional characters.  The “hero’s journey” or the search for humanity.  Love.  Finding hope when there is nothing left.  Music, TV, books, even people once in a while show these characteristics. It gives ME hope. 

Whew.  So the next part is to nominate seven other blogs for the award.

Refractory Ramblings From The Darkside – I just love every part of her. 

Christian Girl with a Death Wish – I’m new to following her blog, but have loved every last thing she has shared so far.  Highly recommend following her if you are struggling with depression and the as she writes “the fight to survive and thrive”

Safe. – Great blog about living with major anxiety.

Rhodeside Attractions –  I discovered Kim Rhodes through Supernatural, but found she has one of the most amazing blogs ever.  There were a few blogs that inspired me to blog myself- her’s is one of them.  I read it start to finish in one day and fell in love.  I REALLY think most of you who enjoy my blog would also love her and encourage you to check it out. 

Inflamed & Untamed – A GREAT blog and resource for those with IBD.  She’s super informed and her blog is full of information if you are living with IBD.

Another Hope Entirely – … I know Kyra isn’t here anymore, but I had to list her here.  More than anything she wanted her voice to be heard.  I hear people say all the time that they don’t understand suicide or other aspects of mental illness.  I think her blog tells a story that should be heard and maybe those struggles can be better understood.  Kyra fought hard.  Kyra always had encouraging words for the rest of us and I feel like the best thing that I can do to honor her is to encourage others to read her words and hear her voice. 

Mark Watches / Mark Reads / Mark Does Stuff – I’ve mentioned this site before, and I don’t know if I’m cheating since this award is for a “sisterhood” but I just have to include it, because honestly, reading and watching his reviews is seriously one of my happiest places each week.  I LOVE this site.  Obviously it appeals to the geek in me, but one of truly great things he’s created is a community that respects each other and learns from one another.  I’ve had my eyes opened to SOOO many different views and ideas about the WORLD.  He’s an excellent writer, his stuff just makes me smile, and I have to take this chance to thank him and to maybe send a few people his way.  So check it out!

Ok.  Wow.  Now I get to think of 10 questions for my nominees to answer.  I’ll try not to make it too hard.

1- If there were only 5 movie or TV series you could watch for the rest of your life, what would they be and why?

2- Same question as above, but 5 books or book series (like, Harry Potter counts as 1, not 7)?

3- What is your favorite creative outlet?

4- What cause or causes are you most passionate about?

5- Is there one belief or thing about yourself that you would consider your foundation?  When everything else is gone, what keeps you going?

6- What makes you laugh?

7- What is your biggest fear?

8- What is beauty to you?

9- What do you wish people were more informed about or willing to converse about?

10- What is most important to you?

So, if you’ve been nominated and choose to participate, here are the “rules”:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
  • Put the Award logo on your blog.
  • Answer the ten questions sent to you.
  • Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.
  • Nominate seven blogs.

And if you don’t choose to participate for whatever reason you have, just know that I appreciate everything your writing has brought into my life.  Thanks forever!

“No Longer a ‘Good Girl’

I came across this article on facebook and I thought it was a good read for where I am in life right now.  Some very good points made and things to think about.

“I’m No Longer a “Good Girl” by Robin Korth

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-korth/no-longer-a-good-girl_b_5798340.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Feel the need to smile

So my last couple posts have been bummers and seems like we could all use a smile, so here’s some John Barrowman dancing and lip synching.  Love me some Captain Jack Harkness!  After this, I think I’ll watch Buffy “Once More With Feeling.”  Should get the good times rollin’!

 

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THAT IS ALL.

Says So on the T-Shirt (Girls Kick Ass)

kill bill    I’ve been trying to work on my Uma Thurman pose this week.  For years I’ve heard all about “finding your power” and such in therapy and the  difference between victim and survivor.  I really thought I was surviving… all these years.  Sure, I had “stuff” but that was just the way it was, right?  The best I could expect.  It was a few weeks ago when I was introduced to the term “pseudo-survivor” – surviving and not thriving; believing you’re a survivor but still feeling powerless.  (I’m probably getting that definition all wrong, but I think it’s true enough in the way that it applied to me.)  It was a bitter dose of truth for me, but I immediately knew it WAS the truth.  I have perfected the art of acting fine and “healthy” while inside I was withering away and carrying enormous pain I had convinced myself was not even there.

So since that day, we’ve been working on power.  My therapist likes to make me stand up and hold this Wonder Woman pose while I talk about the rape.  I HATE it.  It’s extremely uncomfortable to me.  I would much rather curl up on the chair with a nice blanket… possibly in the fetal position.  But I get what he’s doing.  It makes sense.

And here’s the funny thing that happened.  My last blog post, about the rabbit and the wolves?  I went to therapy last week thinking maybe we’d talk about that.  About 5 minutes before I left to go to my appointment, I happened to notice the shirt I was wearing and found it to be an incredibly telling moment.  I wasn’t absolutely sure what it was telling me, but it was definitely something.red revenge  How is it I spent the previous two days feeling like a scared little rabbit, then picked out something like this?  I’ve actually had the shirt a while (from shirt.woot.com, artwork by ramyb), and it’s always been a favorite.  But I knew there was a connection here!  It’s called Red Revenge.  I love it because here is slaying the very wolves that stalk her.  And I love that she’s a sexy woman doing it.  She’s not afraid or ashamed or cowering, and that is DEFINITELY a power pose.

I spent the next hour of therapy talking about power and realizing that I don’t trust my own power, my own instincts.  I’m afraid of them.  And yet, I know I’m A Fucking Powerhouse.  (Sorry Mom, but those are the words.)  I know there is INCREDIBLE power inside of me.  Did I know this before the rape?  Probably not.  Would it have made a difference?  Maybe, if I knew how to trust it.  So I’m trying to trust it.  A quote my therapist printed out a few weeks ago: “Our bodies change our minds… and our minds change our behavior… and our behavior changes our outcomes.  Fake it until you become it.  Tiny tweaks lead to big changes.”  So… that brings us to Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.  And lots of Alias, Dark Angel, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  And posing with the sword I gave my husband for Christmas.  I’m gonna learn how to wield that power.

Totally unrandom video this post:  “Women of the Whedonverse” by MrMorda

Celebration

I hold an ancient artifact, newly discovered.  Encased in years of doubt, anger, shame, fear.  I chip away at the hardened areas, every revelation a new reason to celebrate.  I brush away at the muddied, finer areas, frustrated in the tediousness, but letting the tears allow the goddess to glisten and glow.  For years she has been hidden away waiting to be found, and she is ready.  Ready to show her beauty and art and soul to the world around her.  Ready to celebrate.

——————-

I usually take a bath before bed because it helps me relax and hopefully sleep better.  Plus I’m just not much of a morning person.  But this quiet morning I felt the urge to take a bath.  Baths are kind of a ritual for me.  I have the bath salts, essential oils, soaps, a soft sponge, whatever will turn it into the best experience.  Today I felt drawn to my Green Valley Spa Fairy Dust salts, “Celebrate” (orange) in particular.  And as the water ran in and I began to relax, the above thoughts came to me.   The words were much better then, but the image the same.  I have a difficult time meditating usually, but this was so clear to me, I was deeply touched and wanted to share.  Sometimes I love the silence of the morning, so rather than include a song or video, I’m just going to leave this post in stillness.  Thanks for reading.

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