Not about angels

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so.  Lots of experiences to think and write about.  And today has kinda been a hard day.  I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling.  Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies.  But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk.  Was able to see my old friend Teri this week.  Haven’t seen her in over a year and  a half, but we were very close.  She was my “woo woo” friend.  We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together.  Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore.  And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside.  I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there.  If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside.  All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault.  I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either.  I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD?  Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you?  I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say.  And I can’t make the two coincide.  I just can’t.

But anyway,  back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

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THAT IS ALL.

Modest? Hottest? …Goddess.

I know I’ve been away a while… I’ve been kinda wrapped up in me and not very good about getting it out the last couple weeks.  But I thought I’d give it a try tonight, even though I haven’t yet decided what to write about.  (This is one of my problems, dealing with perfection and imagining the perfect post before I ever sit down…)  But tonight I’ll throw caution to the wind and just write about what is on my mind at the very moment.

I just got done reading through a blog post my cousin shared on facebook- “Modest is not Hottest”.  http://mylifeasacraig.blogspot.com/2014/06/modest-is-not-hottest.html?m=1.  There are some good points made.  I too, grew up LDS, and modesty was always at the forefront of lectures and lessons.  My family took the religion pretty seriously, my dad was the Bishop for many years… there wasn’t a lot of stretching room when it came to what was “right” and what was “wrong”.  I think the author is right when she talks about the conflicting messages about what is “hot”, but I felt there was still such a strong focus on dress and appearance being the way to catch the “right” guy.  I think what is hot, what is sexy and appealing is CONFIDENCE and there is nothing wrong with being hot, sexy or attractive when it comes from a place of confidence.  Knowing who you are and loving who you are, regardless of what style of clothing you choose to wear.  And I think this pushes a button for me, because I think about the personality traits that made me a target to a perpetrator.  And I feel like all those lectures and lessons actually taught me SHAME.  To this day, I’m uncomfortable wearing anything that even remotely accentuates my breasts.  My mom didn’t allow me to go bra-less at home because it might makes my dad or my brothers uncomfortable.  Frankly, that just creeped me out.  And lectures about mowing the lawn in a tank top or showing too much (any) cleavage… I always felt like breasts were these things I had to keep hidden at all costs- something I should be ashamed of having.  I’m not saying modesty isn’t a good policy, but I think it’s a deeper issue than that.

I wish in church I’d been taught how to feel okay about myself, even if I was surrounded by a group full of mean nasty assholes in my classes.  Seriously, people still talk about how no one wanted to teach our age group.  I wish confidence, anger, and how it was ok to put my needs first, how I didn’t need to be nice to every asshole I met, that it was ok for me to make choices, even if they turned out to be the wrong choice, it was still ok to make that mistake and learn from it.  Instead, I was taught shame and guilt for not feeling the way I was supposed to feel.  I learned to be afraid of choices… if the “right” choice wasn’t so clear.  I learned to turn the other cheek and always love your neighbor.  I was taught to “be a good person” instead of “be a whole person” (goddess).  And I think if I’d learned these lessons earlier on in life, maybe my neighbor (always love your neighbor) would not have seen me as a target.

I realize this post is sort of rambly.  When I read it back, I hope it makes some sense.  I’m not posting to tear apart the other girls thoughts, ’cause she does say some good things there and maybe someone out there needs to hear what she has to say.  It just triggered some different thoughts in me that I have wanted to share because they have bothered me a long time.  So there it is.

And now for the completely random fanvid….. ummmm…. well… still reeling from Supernatural’s S9 finale.  So I guess I’ll post one related to that.   Oooh.  Found a couple that make it not so random because they’re about Dean, who still doesn’t believe he’s a thing worthy of being saved.  If anyone needs to learn to be a whole person and to feel ok about himself, it’s Dean.  So here’s two videos that show this (two of my very favorite right now…)

“Worthy” by Volta1228

“Say Something” by Shelly

 

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