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Brain Fog and Chronic Illness. –

All of these things…

So I’m heading out of town again to see the doctor and get another scope of my illeostomy to see if it is doing better.  I know already it’s not.  I’ve been throwing up more often, just randomly, and my stoma is still pretty raw and bleeding.

However, this morning I lay in bed thinking of so many things… the sad, the awful, the traumatic… the lonely, the losses of so many precious things… but also of the triumphant and the beautiful.

I like who I am- even if I am a beautiful mess.  And all that pain… well it’s part of who I am.  But so is all that beauty and wonder and color.  I forget so often… but this song reminded me.


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Would you care more about college sexual assaults if they were bear attacks? –

Reblog: Vivisecting Supernatural- Parallels in Brother’s Keeper, Sacrifice, and Swan Song

I’ll give you your second reblogging! I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said here. For me- and I try not to have many concrete definitions or ideas about what the show is saying or where is going, but I think the show has always been about choosing love. Even if it can be destructive… choosing love will always be the more powerful thing. And it sucks that sometimes good things (Kevin, Charlie, etc.) get destroyed along the way. I don’t always like it, but I feel like consistently the show has always been about love being the more powerful choice. And while I feel like on one side they’ve shown God staying out of it all, they’ve also shown God to intervene more than once to put that choice in Sam and Dean’s hands. I kind of feel (and hope) that this might once again be a similar situation. I think (especially after Fan Fiction) God is still kind of keeping a close eye on Sam and Dean, and still ultimately giving them that choice to make. And I think it’s the choice he wants them to make. That even though the consequences may be harsh, it’s true to who they are as people and when they are given the choice (as themselves) it’s who he wants them to be. Even their losses are about love. Consider, if you’ve seen Torchwood, COE, do we want either of those characters to make the choice Jack does? Not that I’m critical of that choice, COE is an entirely different story and Jack, an entirely different character. But do any of us actually want to see Sam or Dean make a choice like that? I just don’t think that’s what the show is about. I think it’s ALWAYS ultimately going to be about choosing love. And I agree, I think in the end they’re either fighting together as a team, continuing that mission, or they’re going out together.
As for next season? I’m kind of hoping this gives them a chance to bring back Chuck and Gabriel, and maybe even Lucifer, because, AWESOME, right? Anyway, I got a bit wordy adding my 2 or 3 cents, but I love what you wrote! (And thanks for checking out my blog, it’s what brought me to yours! )

What Did You Do on Memorial Day?

JunkChuck was kind enough to show his support on my blog today so I came to check his out. This post was wonderful and deserving of at least a few (many actually) more views, so give it read and a moment of thought, please. Thanks!

Old Road Apples

I woke up, did some chores, went to the home improvement store to buy some gardening supplies, visited a friend to drop off a box of onion starts I’d grown from seed, ran by the grocery store, went to the feed & supply store to buy some tomato seedlings to replace the few that got frosted the other night, went to my in-laws’ house for burgers and corn on the grill, came home and planted tomatoes with my wife, then chased her around the house a few laps when the kids went off with their friends, then sat down at the computer and thought about Memorial Day a little bit.  Invariably, my pondering turned to what might very well be the most memorable and definitive photographic image to emerge from our ongoing, unending 24-year-old middle east war.


If you haven’t seen this picture before, and you live in the USA…

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If the tables were turned…

PTSD is not a self-inflicted wound.

Can we get a HELL YEAH! over here? Seriously. I know exactly what you mean here. My doors are always locked, windows/blinds closed… all the things you described. My rapist is actually in prision, but I STILL BELIEVE there is this guy outside my house watching me all the time and waiting for the right moment to get at me. I know that in REALITY, this man does not exist. But my PTSD brain sees him everyday and believes 100% that he is there. And people call it crazy. But for a little while in my life, it was true. And my PTSD brain still thinks it is. :/ I get ya.

Heathers Helpers

I am going to say sorry in advance here. I am feeling a bit b**hy  because of a few comments made about PTSD in general while I was speaking to a group. I couldn’t do a PTSD rant there so I decided to do one here.

Having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feels a bit like living in a glass house and everywhere you can see there is someone standing there ready and just waiting to throw huge rocks in to your home. They may have been standing there for 6 months or 6 years but that feeling of being under attack or in imminent danger never goes away. It doesn’t matter how comfortable you make your glass house. No one cares if the lights are on or off. You can put blinds up all over the place but you will still know that you are surrounded and anything could happen…

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Ideas please?

So today is it.  17yrs.  I hate the word “anniversary”… I joked in the therapy the other day that it was the “rape-iversary”… but that’s not exactly a term you throw around casually either.  But I need a name for today.  Everyone else celebrates May Day… but for me.  Nope.  Both raped then years later hospitalized with IBD on this exact date.  I thought about calling it “Fuckit Day”… but my too literal brain says no.  I’m thinking I’ll just be like Groot, but instead say “Hulk Smash!” all day.  Seriously… looking for suggestions.  I want to hear them all!

Been a hard day

Things I Am Living For:
   – to see my neices grow up
   – I made my husband a promise
   – teeny tiny glimpses of hope
   – I just HAVE to see how the story ends in Supernatural… (yes this is a real reason.  Heaven may not have television!)
   – I really want to want to

Short list, but I’m hanging on to it.

Umm… for poop’s sake!

So I’m going to preface this post and tell you its about ostomy stuff and poop!  Just so you’re prepared…. i planned to write a  lot more about the ibd stuff in the beginning but right now i hate my ostomy so i haven’t wanted to write about it.   But since I’m awake. …
Man i hate nights like these. .. seems i can’t sleep no matter what.   And it’s worse when I’m not at my own home cause i have to worry about everyone else who is sleeping.  I can’t just get up and watch tv or do whatever.  And of course i made plans to have lunch with my grandma tomorrow so i was kind of counting on sleeping regular hours so i could get up in time.   Oh well. .. no wishes being granted over here!
So ostomy talk.  Probably one of the reasons I’m not relaxing so well tonight is because i had a major ostomy problem last night.  See, sometimes i have to empty it more often than others, but usually at least a couple times a night.  So when i am sleeping well, it’s harder to wake up when i need to.   Usually my brain figures it out after a bit and i get business done.  Last night i was pretty groggy when i sorta woke up and realized how bad my bag was ballooning.   It took me a bit to come to enough to realize that it needed to be emptied like NOW.  When i realized i was in a sort of precarious  position, i carefully tried to move out of bed and get to the bathroom.   But as soon as i was sitting upright i heard and felt a big “pooofffff” as the thing basically blew up around the bottom adhesive.   So there i was, damn it, a big mess, and i still had to get to the bathroom to stop the leakage and clean up.   Which, by the time that is done,  I’m wide awake.  No going back to sleep for a while after that.  Plus again,  I’m not home,  so my  supplies and things aren’t as organized as they would be at home.
Not the first time this has happened but so far the worst.   And it’s tough to let yourself sleep when you’re worried you’ll sleep too deep and miss that Window when you need to get up.   Now that I’m on 2 klonopin a night, it’s even harder.
And to make things even weirder?  Right now i totally feel like i gotta poop.  Which is ridiculous cause i got no pipes down there.   But my brain doesn’t seem to get it yet.  So I’m lying awake stressing about another accident and wishing i could poop.  What a weird life.

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