To sleep or to cry

Well I said I was going to bed an hour ago but I can’t sleep.  I feel really fucking depressed right now, which is probably leftover medication mess up,  but right now I feel like finding something to watch that will make me cry.  Oh what fun.

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Right friggin’ now…

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WELCOMING US BACK

Reblogging this great post because she says the words I am struggling to say myself right now. Much love for this lady!

Car Crash – or what PTSD is like – novel

This is an old post, but it is really speaking to me today. So much truth…

May We Dance Upon Their Graves

Photocredit: Kel Patolog via Flickr

[Note: Since I first wrote this, this piece has gotten a lot of attention for being a really good way to explain to people in your life what it’s like to have PTSD and Complex PTSD in particular and why there aren’t any quick fixes. I hope it’s helpful for you and your loved ones.]

I’m writing a novel as part of National Novel Writing Month (www.nanowrimo.org) and the following excerpt is what I wrote today on it.

The novel this year is about sociopaths, a people making sense of a past including child abuse, disconnection with nature and people trying to do the right thing in the face of it. I don’t know exactly what shape the pieces will take yet. I didn’t know last year at this stage iether really, but I suspect it will be more complicated this year. Last…

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Leonard Nimoy and the Legacy of Fandom

This made me cry today…

Fangasm

nimoy3

The loss of Leonard Nimoy has hit the world hard today – a talented actor, director, writer, and humanitarian. For those of us in fandom, the loss feels personal, which may be hard to understand for someone on the ‘outside’. Even fans who weren’t born when the original Star Trek zoomed onto our (tiny) television screens in gloriously limited special effects feel the void left by his passing. Nimoy, and Star Trek, were so pivotal to the beginnings of fandom as we know it, that it’s difficult to quantify the depth of his contribution to this vibrant thing we call ‘fandom’ or how much the universe feels darker without him in it.

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All the fcks

I’ve been staying away again.  Every time I get on the computer, I do the stupid thing of looking at facebook.  Really, I only hope to find cute pictures of my nieces, but it only takes scrolling through the first few posts and I just want to rant about everything!  I’m so sick of people getting on their high horses and trying to shame everyone else for living in some way that doesn’t agree with them.  I really have had an irrational amount of anger about it lately.  I mean, I HATE EVERYBODY.  I swear.  And what pisses me off even more is that 50 fucking Shades of Gray was my breaking point!  I mean, I scroll through numerous posts on religion and politics every single day.  And frankly, most of them don’t speak to me or my beliefs, but hey, whatever, I’ve gotten pretty good about scrolling right past without a second thought.  But holy hell.

I’m generally an avid reader, lots of people were talking about it, so I read the book last year.  The first one.  For me, that was difficult enough.  I hated the writing, I hated the characters, I felt there was a whole misrepresentation of a lifestyle… that the relationship had more of an abusive and manipulative nature than what I understand an actual BDSM relationship involves.  So, basically, I hated the book, couldn’t believe they were actually going to make a movie out of it… that was it.  Until the last couple of weeks when it was literally part of every other post on my timeline.

Some of the posts actually tackled the things I felt were problematic about the book and the nature of the relationship.  I think it’s great that it has started some serious conversations about abuse and some of the other issues in the book.  But what I saw most was this:

I don’t normally express my personal opinions on Facebook, but I have to say that everything I have seen and heard about this book disgusts me. The fact that many of my female peers read it and thereby contributed to the making of this film, makes me ill. I’m so disappointed. REALLY tired of the ads and promotion on media. We can do better than this my friends!

“I so agree!!”

“I have heard it is so twisted!  What has this world come to?”

“Totally agree!  Sad world we have created!”

“Well said… agreed! Porn.”

“Vomit is vomit. No way around it. Don’t consume it

and my favorite:

“Anything that arouses sexual responses in us wither visually, threw literature or any other means outside the bonds of marriage oneness designed by a loving all knowing God should be guarded carefully. Sexual arousal is a sacred gift from God to be enjoyed and respected within the marriage relationship between a man and a women to enhance the bonds of affection and appreciation for the marriage partners and the bodies He created for us. If we distract ourselves from this bond and relationship in any manor though ie. Romance novels, visual distraction or innuendos outside this commitment I feel we are on shady/shaky territory with a God who loves us dearly!!! May you choose your realistate wisely;).”

I know this is a stupid thing to get my panties all in a bunch about… but I am so freakin’ sick and tired of being preached to.  Not ONE of these people made a comment based on any actual knowledge of the book.  All they knew was it involved some freaky kind of sex that’s way outside their box and shame fucking SHAME on you if you don’t start a book burning.

I’m not defending the book.  It’s really awful in my opinion.  But hey, at least I read it enough to form an opinion.  But that’s not even what bothers me… I get that a lot of people’s personal and religious beliefs would have them not read that kind of book.  And I got NO problem with that… until you start pushing that agenda on everyone else.  And hey, if you haven’t read the book but know it’s about BDSM and want to start a conversation about that, great.  But if you’re going to get on a soapbox, then actually start a useful conversation about something by making some valid points.  Saying “this is vomit” and “blah blah blah GOD…” is not useful.

Let me be clear again- I hated this bookand I am not defending the book!  I hate that this book has caused me so much facebook rage.  It feels stupid.  But I THINK the reason it pisses me off so much is that It sounds like the same attitude I hear from people about anything or anyone that doesn’t conform to their norm for sex and sexuality.  Or about a hundred other issues that basically come down to an attitude that says “well, my religion says this is right, therefore YOU have no right.”  And I’m just tired of it.  In my real life, this is the attitude of nearly everyone I know.  And I feel completely out of place with  all my fuck this and fuck that… when that feels like the real me sometimes.  Honestly, I love the fuck word.  And I must be very tired right now because I can just imagine the shocks and awes from some about what I’ve written.  Oh well.  Today I’m giving all the fucks!  I’m tired of keeping my opinions inside because everyone in my life will tell me that my opinion is wrong.  I’d rather be wrong than silent.  Even if it’s about a stupid book I didn’t even like.  Ok.  Rant OVER.

Side note- if you would like to hear a reading of “the book” with great commentary about the issues and problems contained therein- (also, it’s hilarious)- check out “Mark Reads ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’ ”  http://youtu.be/L_DOJRaKnPQ

being okay | Rhodeside Attractions being okay | for things along the way

http://rhodeside.vuxe.com/?p=902

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/jurisprudence/2013/06/why_cops_don_t_believe_rape_victims_and_how_brain_science_can_solve_the.html

Faith

Before our first lesson, I want to remind you of one thing, ” he said.  “When you find your path, you must not be afraid.   You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes.  Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”
“Strange tools,” said Brida.  “They often dissuade people from carrying on. “



“I learned about the Dark Night,” she said to the now silent forest.   “I learned that the search for God is a Dark Night, that Faith is a Dark Night… None of us knows what might happen in the next minute, and yet we still go forward.   Because we trust.  Because we have Faith.”
Or, who knows… what mattered was knowing that she had understood.  That every moment in life is an act of faith.  That you could choose to fill it with snakes and scorpions or with a strong protecting force.
That Faith could not be explained.  It was simply a Dark Night.   All she had to do was accept it or not.

Brida by Paulo Coelho

The beginning to one of my very favorite books.

Shards

I break.
I shatter.
Only one piece undamaged enough to be of any use.
The rest, swept up into the box.   But shards,
They still cut, still betray.  still hide and still find.  
But don’t open the box. 
Those pieces will never fit again. 
The whole will never be whole.
All that is left must be protected, must not shatter again, for eventually we will only be left with shards,
And the empty space they used to feel.

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