Fantasy Camp

So we’ve been trying to create my “safe place” in therapy.  It’s not been easy.  The very idea of safety seems, to me, such a falsehood… the best I could do was start with a “happy place.”  That part was kind of easy.  There’s a place we used to go camping when I was a kid.  It’s still the one place I try to visit every summer, even if it’s a short visit.  Something about the mountains and nature in general has also been so calming to me, but this place in particular, seems to still hold a certain magic. Probably remnants of the magic I felt as a child everytime we got to go.  100_0250 SNC00083

So, once we identified the place… we had to figure out how to make it safe.  My homework this week has been to try bringing people into the space that would meet those needs and make it a “safe place.”  The hardest need for me to meet was emotional safety and support.  I tried really hard bringing real life people into my space to meet all these needs, but this was the one I just couldn’t quite fill.  So my therapist suggested trying characters from the books I read or the shows I watch… (he knows I’m a huge geek).

So I gave this a try, but found that I have a really difficult time, if not a complete inability, to separate emotional intimacy from physical intimacy.  Which, when I realized this, made a lot of sense.  However, I finally did think of someone that I think can offer me the emotional support, without it getting confused with physical stuff.  And he’s kind of a cross between fantasy and real-life.  I referred to him once as “my ghosty best friend”… he passed away nearly 2 years ago.  I’ll save the details of that friendship for another day, but the memory I have of him… I can sit there next to him in the mountains in silence or in tears and it feels ok.

So I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about who I’d bring to the mountain with me and today I was having a bit of fun with it.  I thought it’d be fun and good for me to write it down.  GBF (Ghosty Best Friend) is the only real life person there right now… but…

My fantasy camp would be accessible through various secret portals that are only accessible to the people I’ve invited here.  It’s gonna get a little crowded in here, but it’s fantasy, so there’s plenty of room to go around.  (Yes, I AM about to go through a giant list of favorite book and tv characters so, buckle in!!)

OF COURSE, I have to start with…

BuffySeason8_40

Buffy Summers.

(I know, you were probably expecting someone else, but we’ll get there…)

How can you not feel safe with a Slayer on your team?  I mean, she’s saved the world, a lot.  She’s got the physical skills, and emotionally, she’s had to carry the weight of the world.  Buffy spends time at the camp training other Slayers and of course, ME, to fight.  Plus, we’re great pals 🙂

And while we’re in Buffy’s world… I’m going to have to invite:

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Willow Rosenburg and Tara Maclay.

I’ve always felt an affinity for Willow and Tara is just plain the best.  Plus these girls have some real power between them.  They bring their awesomeness and magical knowledge to share with the camp.

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Oz.

He’s a musician, a werewolf, and all-around cool guy. I mean, Oz would be awesome to hang out with.   So,while he brings some physical skills to the table, mostly I just wanna hang out.

images (34)Rupert Giles.

Of course, Giles has to be there.  He just does.

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 Winifred “Fred” Burkle / Illyria.

In my fantasy camp, they coexist together.  Fred is basically the best, and Illyria is a badass.  What kind of super camp would this be without them?

angel1 buffy-cast-deaths-on-buffy-the-vampire-slayer-7050579-400-300

Anya, Angel, Spike, Cordelia, Lorne, Faith…

and basically the rest of the team, ’cause I wanna be Scooby.

MOVING ON!  (Man, this list is going to get long….I really wanted to list everyone individually, but I’m finding this to be soooo time consuming because I don’t know how to format this page properly!  haha… I think I might have to do more group listings…)

5x10-Abandon-All-Hope-supernatural-9123856-1280-720

Sam and Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Castiel, Ellen and Jo Harvelle.

“Family don’t end with blood…”

These guys have all given everything to save the world… they don’t have much, but they have each other.  And they’re gonna go down fighting.  I’d want every one of them on my team.  These guys could probably teach me a thing or two about fighting, too.

John_and_MAry_in_nursery  tumblr_inline_nm6qx5XYyT1rfvmaxsupernatural_118469_top tumblr_miymwoOjAg1qcm0jmo1_250

Young John and Mary Winchester, Charlie Bradbury, Gabriel, and Chuck Shirley.

Ummm, you’d be crazy not to want Chuck on your side 🙂

Charlie- you are my heart and soul and you will live happily ever after at camp!

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Osric Chau and Kim Rhodes

As much as I love their characters on SPN, mostly I just want them to join my camp and be my friends.

NEXT UP:

TV Show-Firefly-759

Um the whole crew from Serenity?

I feel this needs no explanation.

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Also the Leverage team.

I just want to be part of the team 🙂  It looks like fun…

Ok.  I am NOT done with my fantasy camp invitations.  But I’ve totally run out of steam 😦  This is fun though.  Building my own little world… maybe I can imagine a safe place after all…

To Be Continued…!

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Just a quick note…

I know I’ve been reblogging a lot.  I would like to write more… but a couple of things have kind of been in the way.  First- my big huge step last week.  Still no regrets.  But still having some anxiety anytime I sit at the computer.  Weird.  Every response I got to my post was WONDERFUL, but I wanted to reply to every comment and thank those who took the time to read my story and follow the links.  It just got kind of overwhelming when I started getting responses from people who didn’t know about my past and I felt I had to think more carefully about each response

I was really looking forward to therapy last week to show my therapist what I had posted.  He thought it was super great.  As he pointed out, I’ve been really stuck this whole last year (and longer, before I started seeing him) somewhere between flight and freeze.  He said I’d finally moved to Fight.  That doing what I did was Fighting.  And I totally agree it was a really healthy and necessary step for my own healing.  But it kind of makes sense that I would Fight a bit, then retreat back to safety, which is kind of what I’ve done.  Knowing that I’m entering a new phase in healing, however small or large that movement is, has caused me a lot of anxiety.  As I’ve said before, I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!  Even when it’s good, healthy, positive change, it is hard for me to adjust.  So… Anxiety- reason #1.

Also, the last few weeks, my shoulder pain has really started to flare.  It used to just hurt constantly at different levels, but give me 10-15 minutes on the computer and my whole right side starts to go numb.  So… having to be careful with that.  I also learned last week that I probably have Crohn’s, so taking any NSAID is probably not so good for me if I can avoid it.  That leaves me with Tylenol – which no longer works by itself- and oxycodone.  I tend to develop tolerance to almost any medication pretty quickly, so I have to try to keep my pain under control before it gets to the point I need a pain pill.  So- much less computer time for me.

I’m still going to be trying to catch up on everyone else’s blogs, just reading a lot on my tablet or phone, but probably won’t be leaving comments as often.  But if I’ve liked the post, it means I read it and I heard you.  And I might have to save some to come back and comment later.

Anyway- I just don’t want anyone to think I’ve disappeared or worry about me.  I’m doing ok.  Just have to get through this anxious period, which I think was both inevitable and probably a normal and ok response to events, and hopefully when I see my primary doc on Thursday we can come up with a new plan for my shoulder pain.  Because I don’t know what the HELL I’m going to do without being able to spend time on the computer!   AHHH.

Anyway, just wanted to check in with real words from me.   Probably you will see more reblogging for a while, and I’ll try to check in every once in a while.  I love what my blog has brought to me, wonderful people and ideas and a safe place to express my own stuff.  I refuse to give it up, shoulder pain or no!   Hope ya’all are doing well.  Love and Hugs tonight!

Hmm… I should add a fanvid, just for the hell of it.  Let me go find one (I promise it will be completely irrelevant to my post, just something I love and use to cope with!)

…….

Well I realized I don’t think I’ve ever posted a Doctor Who video, which is a shame!  And I had SUCH a hard time deciding which one to post.  But here’s the one I went with.  Doctor Who is awesome (though I have to admit my fangirl shame:  I have never seen the old series, just the new series starting with Christopher Eccelston as Nine. SO FAR!  Someday I will watch them all.)  If you’ve never seen it, give it a try… but give it a few episodes.  It’ll be nothing like you expect, but it will grow on you and live forever!  This vid features my personal favorite doctor, Ten, played by David Tennant, who, well, just, yum,  Also, I think the vidder, Seduff, does an excellent job, so just enjoy, and have a smile for me 🙂

Reblog: 16 POSTS HIJACKED BY FANDOMS

Thanks, I needed a smile right about now!

Lumos.Nerd

1. Supernatural

11

2. Doctor Who

15

3. Supernatural

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4. Doctor Who

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5. Doctor Who

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6. Harry Potter

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7. Doctor Who

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8. Harry Potter

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9. Doctor Who

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10. SuperWho

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11. Supernatural

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12. Supernatural 

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13. Supernatural

1

14. Harry Potter

12

15. Harry Potter

13

16. Doctor Who

14

Sources:

http://fandomsruiningposts.tumblr.com/page/33

http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/tumblr-posts-hijacked-by-fandoms

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Why do I keep using the #AlwaysKeepFighting hashtag…

Why do I keep using the #AlwaysKeepFighting hashtag? Welcome to the #SPNFamily…

A couple of months ago Jared Padalecki, one of the stars of Supernatural, started a campaign to raise money and awareness for charities like To Write Love On Her Arms.  He shared a lot about his own struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, and his own need for strength and help.  It started with a tee shirt that said “Always Keep Fighting”.  The fandom really took to it.

AKF

For me personally, I came across the Always Keep Fighting campaign on a really really shit day.  It was really one of those days where I just was asking “What the hell am I here for?”  And those words, and his openness and sincerity, actually brought me to tears.  It was just one of those moments you get too rarely when you feel like the world is telling you something.  And I was like… “Man, Jared!  How did you know I needed this today?”

I’m actually sort of addicted to buying geek t-shirts.  It’s pretty much all I wear.  But I usually go for the subtle.  Not the whole- “celebrity on a t-shirt” thing.  Even Jared mentioned he wasn’t sure about putting his face on the shirt, but everyone convinced him it made it more personal (I agree). And… while I wasn’t sure if I would wear it (because- face on a t-shirt?), I knew I wanted to support it and TWLOHA.

It’s kinda become one of my favorite shirts.  When I’m having another shit day, wearing the shirt has reminded me of the message and kept me going.  And people have noticed it and either recognized it themselves or asked about it.  Which is awesome!  YES.  Let’s have a healthy dialogue about mental illness, suicide, addiction, depression, PTSD.  YES TO ALL THIS!

Since the original campaign ended, it has grown into a much bigger thing that both stars, Jared and Jensen Ackles, AND the fans are continuing to raise money and awareness for.  In the last couple of weeks, Jared has been experiencing his own personal crisis and the whole thing has just blown up in response (in a good way).  It’s actually kind of reminded me how awesome people can be.  The world is not full of hate and horrible things.  There is a lot of love out there.

https://fangasmthebook.wordpress.com/2015/05/19/what-the-spnfamily-is-all-about-always-keep-fighting-jared/

If you’re not familiar with these guys and this fandom, it might be easy to see this and think that it’s not sincere.  That it’s a bunch of hot guys getting their faces on t-shirts and making more money.  Publicity stunts.  But you wouldn’t have to look into things very far to realize these guys really just want to do a good thing and use the fan following they have to accomplish great things.

You might also find some weird stuff.  The fandom is known for some of it’s weird stuff.  Not gonna lie.  BUT the fandom really is also known for doing some really awesome things like this.  The official hashtag used to be “SPNfamily” (I don’t know, maybe it still is…) but #AKF and #AlwaysKeepFighting are really what it’s all about.  And hell yes, I will go down with this ship.  Even if I still appear to be a silly fangirl.  I don’t care.  This thing, this show, these people, this fandom, show love that gives me strength on days I’m not sure I can find it.   (Even though I will NEVER forgive you, writers, for that THING YOU DID IN EPISODE 10×21.  grrr… the only time I’ve ever hated Show :/  I’m still not over it.)

PHEW.  SO on that note, I’m gonna leave another reason I love this fandom.  I haven’t posted a fanvid in a LONG time guys.  And this one is technically a parody, so it doesn’t count.  And, true, I’m not sure you’ll really get it or love it if you don’t know the show, but… oh well.  It makes me happy 🙂 ummm spoilers for season 9 and 10 though, if that is important to you?

By the way, the cast cameos at the end- they heard about this video being made and totally volunteered to do it just because they knew the fans would love it.  No pay.  Just love.

And you know what?  Because I’m in such a giving mood… hahah… (actually, it’s probably just the late hour getting to me) but I’m gonna leave ya with one more gem.  But this is one that always gives me chills and makes me cry.  This song is sort of our anthem…

Ok.  Thank you.  Good nite.  I love you all 😉

All the feels (have I used this subject title before? hmmm….)

I feel like I’ve been a terrible friend here online, so I’m sorry.  I love all of you who I have talked with here online.  Those of you who have shared such personal pieces of yourself… I feel like you deserve more from me, especially when you have given me so much by reading and support me!  I know you know I’m doing the best I can right now, but I still feel the need to acknowledge it.  Just a week and a half ago, I got introduced to some really great stuff by CC and Alex over at https://ccchanel41.wordpress.com/  (Refractory Ramblings from the Darkside).  Both things have totally gone into my coping strategies toolbox.

First, Bo Burnham and “What.” is the most genius things I’ve seen in a while.  Laughter and truth all in one.  https://youtu.be/ejc5zic4q2A  His show is free on Youtube and Netflix.  It’s totally NSFW but watch when you can because it’s brilliant and I’ve watched it like 5 times in the last 8 days, hahah.  I feel bad for the people (who are too too many) I can’t share it with because of content.  They are missing something awesome.

Second?  Amanda Palmer.  How did I not know this woman existed???  In the hours I haven’t been watching Bo Burnham, she’s been playing 24/7.  I love music of all kinds.  I communicate and find places where my feelings exist in music very often, but there are only a few who just bring the feels with every word.  Even when I don’t know what she’s referring to, the emotion is still there and it’s just wrapped itself around my heart!  I can’t even describe it.  I could share any number of her songs here, but the one that’s really gotten too me the last few days is “Trout Heart Replica.”

At first, the lyrics that caught me were:

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart

And then one day…

And the butcher stops and winds his watch and lays their lives down on the block
He raises up his hatchet and the big hand strikes a compromise
Wait, we’ll trade you
Wait
Please just one more day
And then we’ll go with no complaining
No complaining
No complaining
No complaining

And holy shit.  I remembered that feeling.  The “butcher” holding me down with a knife, and all I could think was Wait… Just one more day…Please just one more day.  And now the whole song takes even more meaning and a new feeling and I just keep listening to it.

I’m not the fish anymore, right now.  But….

they’re cutting
And they’re cutting
And I think that I know
And they’re gutting
And they’re gutting
And I think that I know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s beating
And I don’t want to know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s still beating
God, I don’t want to know

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart
And if he tells me “no”
I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor
Eventually I’m know I’m doomed
To get what I am asking for…

I’ve never been able to put such accurate words to the way I feel.  Smaller heart?  YES PLEASE.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So much about this song!

dwfeels

So I actually have a lot of life stuff to write about… but I keep avoiding it, so I’m starting easy today.  Maybe I will try again tomorrow to write about what’s been up.  ‘Cause this brain needs to dump.  Room is very scarce for anything else.

Hope you love Bo and Amanda as much as I do now.  And as much as I love you all.

#AlwaysKeepFighting  (yes, I will keep using this hashtag on posts because its something I am desperately taking to heart and I need the constant reminder myself.)

“Always Keep Fighting” « TWLOHA

Older post, but one I needed to read tonight.  No joke, the day he started the tshirt campaign, those words literally kept me going.  Clinging to them again tonight.

Jared Padalecki Explains What Inspires Him to “Always Keep Fighting” « TWLOHA.

I was an angel

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I need
Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Looking to get fucked hard
Like a groupie incognito posing as a real singer
Life imitates art

You got that medicine I need
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart please
I don’t really wanna know what’s good for me
God’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me
Crazy –
Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me.  Did it work?  Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video.  HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version.  Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

=-=-=-=

Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…!  (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

Think I’m on to something,…?

So much has changed this last week.  Internal changes.  Things shifting and circling.   It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one.  Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH.  And I really wish I could write about it right now.  But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life.  That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has.  I want to write, but  I’m still sorting.  Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all.  I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway.  Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff.  But I think I’m on to something….!

Bye bye Lala…

Finally finished watching True Blood the other day and I miss Lafayette 😦

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Also, MAN I wish I could work a scarf as well as he does….

 

Nelsan Ellis, I love you.

The sun starts to cry…

Holy anxiety, Batman!  Been back and forth to bed a few times and it’s not taking so I guess I’ll write.  Sometimes that helps.  A while ago I mentioned a video that gets my little PTSD heart all teary.

Try to forget that this is a Supernatural fanvid.  It’s sort of “alternate universe” anyway, but it shows this character who has literally been to HELL and seen all sorts of awful in his life.  And then see him trying to live a normal life.  Wake up in the morning… those moments you lie in bed, wondering how you’re going to get through another day.  Then putting on your best face and going to work.  Then the moments when that unreal reality sneaks its way through.  And you try to lose yourself in the monotony of repetitive tasks, till another reminder finds its way in.  See the contrast between the memories and the present day… and how the memories themselves seem to be an alternate universe.  Not really real.  Not until you are reminded again.

This video could possibly be trigger-ish for some, so keep that in mind before watching.  For me, this was like finally being able to SEE the experience that just doesn’t have words.  It was affirmation.  But it is somewhat graphic and I don’t want it to be something that causes a flashback or anxiety itself.

video by Loki/SecretlyToDream “Till the Sun Starts To Cry”

The first time I saw this video, I cried and cried.  It was beautiful to me and I couldn’t stop watching.  I would be REALLY interested to know what ya’ll think.  Does it still translate if you’re not familiar with the show?

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