Just a quick note…

I know I’ve been reblogging a lot.  I would like to write more… but a couple of things have kind of been in the way.  First- my big huge step last week.  Still no regrets.  But still having some anxiety anytime I sit at the computer.  Weird.  Every response I got to my post was WONDERFUL, but I wanted to reply to every comment and thank those who took the time to read my story and follow the links.  It just got kind of overwhelming when I started getting responses from people who didn’t know about my past and I felt I had to think more carefully about each response

I was really looking forward to therapy last week to show my therapist what I had posted.  He thought it was super great.  As he pointed out, I’ve been really stuck this whole last year (and longer, before I started seeing him) somewhere between flight and freeze.  He said I’d finally moved to Fight.  That doing what I did was Fighting.  And I totally agree it was a really healthy and necessary step for my own healing.  But it kind of makes sense that I would Fight a bit, then retreat back to safety, which is kind of what I’ve done.  Knowing that I’m entering a new phase in healing, however small or large that movement is, has caused me a lot of anxiety.  As I’ve said before, I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!  Even when it’s good, healthy, positive change, it is hard for me to adjust.  So… Anxiety- reason #1.

Also, the last few weeks, my shoulder pain has really started to flare.  It used to just hurt constantly at different levels, but give me 10-15 minutes on the computer and my whole right side starts to go numb.  So… having to be careful with that.  I also learned last week that I probably have Crohn’s, so taking any NSAID is probably not so good for me if I can avoid it.  That leaves me with Tylenol – which no longer works by itself- and oxycodone.  I tend to develop tolerance to almost any medication pretty quickly, so I have to try to keep my pain under control before it gets to the point I need a pain pill.  So- much less computer time for me.

I’m still going to be trying to catch up on everyone else’s blogs, just reading a lot on my tablet or phone, but probably won’t be leaving comments as often.  But if I’ve liked the post, it means I read it and I heard you.  And I might have to save some to come back and comment later.

Anyway- I just don’t want anyone to think I’ve disappeared or worry about me.  I’m doing ok.  Just have to get through this anxious period, which I think was both inevitable and probably a normal and ok response to events, and hopefully when I see my primary doc on Thursday we can come up with a new plan for my shoulder pain.  Because I don’t know what the HELL I’m going to do without being able to spend time on the computer!   AHHH.

Anyway, just wanted to check in with real words from me.   Probably you will see more reblogging for a while, and I’ll try to check in every once in a while.  I love what my blog has brought to me, wonderful people and ideas and a safe place to express my own stuff.  I refuse to give it up, shoulder pain or no!   Hope ya’all are doing well.  Love and Hugs tonight!

Hmm… I should add a fanvid, just for the hell of it.  Let me go find one (I promise it will be completely irrelevant to my post, just something I love and use to cope with!)

…….

Well I realized I don’t think I’ve ever posted a Doctor Who video, which is a shame!  And I had SUCH a hard time deciding which one to post.  But here’s the one I went with.  Doctor Who is awesome (though I have to admit my fangirl shame:  I have never seen the old series, just the new series starting with Christopher Eccelston as Nine. SO FAR!  Someday I will watch them all.)  If you’ve never seen it, give it a try… but give it a few episodes.  It’ll be nothing like you expect, but it will grow on you and live forever!  This vid features my personal favorite doctor, Ten, played by David Tennant, who, well, just, yum,  Also, I think the vidder, Seduff, does an excellent job, so just enjoy, and have a smile for me 🙂

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Acheivement Unlocked

Total panic attack right now.  Freaking out and want to throw up.  Sheesh.  I used to have clonazepam “as needed” for this shit.

So I saw the phsyc doc about 2 weeks ago to kind of get his view on the ECT or if he had other ideas for meds.  He was actually quite ambivalent and unhelpful about the ECT, saying he wouldn’t discourage me from checking it out further, but he wasn’t actually saying “yes lets do this” either.  He DID suggest that instead of taking clonazepam so irregularly that it would probably do me more good to take it twice a day every day.  I had been taking one most of the the time but my prescription was for up to 3 if I needed.  So now I’m taking two at night before bed, which HAS helped me sleep better and hopefully will keep me “level” rather than “up and down” as the psych put it.  BUT if I”m full of anxiety right now after taking my 2  nearly 3 hours ago, can I still take another one without messing up this trial of seeing if the dosage change help?  I DON”T FREAKING KNOW.

—-

I started writing this an hour ago and have since been able to address one of the main reasons freaking me out.  I have to go out of town for a while and was invited to stay a couple days at one of my best friend’s house.  I REALLY wanted to say yes, (so I did!) because I SO FREAKIN” WANT TO BE NORMAL!  And I so look forward to spending time with this friend.  But it’s a newer house, one I don’t know well… she’ll have other family there… and while she totally gets where I am emotionally/mentally/physically right now… well… keeping up the facade for everyone else is tough.  And nights are so hard for me.  I started worrying about everything that could go wrong and I was just freaking out.  Nearly threw up.

BUT bonus points for me- I’m learning to recognize and respect my needs.  I called her and hardly got 3 words out and she was like “I totally understand.  No worries!”  Then we chatted for another hour and it was so great.  SHE’s so great.  True friends are few, but the ones I have are the best.

Anxiety is still high though.  Hoping it will just calm down soon if I can wait it out a bit longer.

So many things…

I’ve been putting this off and putting it off for so many reasons.  None of which have anything to do with this.  I love blogging my ups and downs.  And I’ve really missed it the last couple of months.  But I haven’t really been in a great place, and you know how it is… well at least for me, I tend to hide until the shit goes away or it’s really repressed enough that I can just pretend to be normal and ok.  But that hasn’t been happening.  Instead, more shit just keeps appearing.

I’ve been kind of aware of some of what I’ve been hiding from.  But a couple days ago I totally broke down and admitted I hate this ostomy.  (Surgery went find, medically speaking, my ostomy is great and my health is much improved.)  But mentally, I’m not dealing with it as well as I thought I could.  See, when I was raped 16 years ago, the ONE thing I found was that I could survive anything.  I made that my rock.  It was my foundation and I built my world around it.  No matter how bad it got, I survived that, I can survive this.  It rather pisses me off that this lifesaving ostomy that I should be grateful for is causing that foundation to crumble.  I literally found myself praying to die the other night.  I don’t pray.  And I knew the prayer was pointless because God doesn’t answer my prayers.  But I felt so alone.  Even though my dear husband spent half the day with his arms around me in support… I feel pointless, I feel cheated.  For the first time in my life I hate my body.  I can’t bring myself to take a shower.  It’s so strong.  I know I need to, I get all my stuff ready, slowly, but when it comes down to it, I just can’t.  I hate dealing with the ostomy in the shower.  So I go a week without it, until my hard-wired need to meet certain social expectations finally wins out, and I force myself through it.  Purely so I can go to therapy the next day and keep my secret that i am barely holding it together.

Right now I feel jealous of everyone who is dead.  It was just a year ago one of my best friends took his life and all I can think is that I wish I could trade him places.  And Hope… dear Kyra.  I feel terrible that she felt so alone.  One of the first things I found out when I started reading blogs again was that she was gone.  It broke my heart.  She was the first person to ever follow my blog, comment… and hers was the first blog I ever followed.  She wa such a beautiful, intelligent person. and I’m sorry she’s gone.  And yet I can’t help but envy her just a tiny bit.  And I feel terrible about that.  Sometime I want to punch myself in the face for being so done by sometimes comparably small things.

 

My therapist thinks maybe its time I consider ECT.  I’m beginning to think he’s right, though I have mixed feelings about it.  I know some of you, my readers, have had it, and I would really appreciate some feedback.  If you feel like you don’t want to share on the blog, let me know and we can email each other or something.  I really want to know all the good and all the bad before I make a decision like this.  But something’s gotta change ’cause I can’t keep playing by the rules.  I’m just done.

Thanks to my insides

I feel … I can’t finish that sentence right now.  I’ve had this thing weighing on me the last couple of days.  A suspicion I’ve had for years, but never confirmed.  It’s been on my mind a lot.  Generally I do not dwell on it.  Why spend the energy on something that may not be real?  But the last couple of days, I can’t shake it.  My anxiety at night has been through the roof.  I can’t sleep.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch because trying to go to bed just makes the anxiety worse.  And I wonder, is this some small confirmation of what I have wondered?  And what if it is?  Not having a memory to go with it… I feel sick inside as I cycle through possibilities… I want to write about all of this, but I don’t think I’m prepared to deal with the fears it brings.  But, I just had to reach out a little bit because I know there are those who will understand.  I want to forget about it… stop thinking about it…. push it back to the corners of my mind where it has dwelt for years and years.  How does it do me any good to have it sitting here out in the open when I can’t even pursue it?  I hate my insides sometimes.

Huh, maybe that’s why I keep having to get bits of them removed surgically,.  Well.  That’s helpful.

Not Cool Internet!

Wasn’t going to post tonight, but right now I’m pissed.  And afraid to speak out about it, and pissed that there’s any reason to be afraid.  I love Felicia Day.  She’s a role model, not just for geeks and gaming, but just for a person like me, who yes happens to be a geek, but also just happens to be a women who wants to embrace who she is and shine as herself.  I’m endlessly fascinated by her talent, her creativity, her passion, and her acceptance of who she is.  Not to mention her ability to find time and opportunity to experience so many of the different things she’s interested in.  She has always appeared to be to be intelligent and genuine in what she does.  I about peed my pants when she was cast on Supernatural.  The pairing of my favorite role model and my favorite TV show???  NOTHING COULD BE GREATER.

And now?  She’s being attacked, threatened.  Like many other women in her industry right now.  And it’s not with criticism, valid or otherwise.  We’re talking rampant rape and death threats made to her and others.  It makes me sick.  What is wrong with these people?

“I haven’t been able to stomach the risk of being afraid to get out of my car in my own driveway because I’ve expressed an opinion that someone on the internet didn’t agree with. 

HOW SICK IS THAT? 

I have allowed a handful of anonymous people censor me. They have forced me, out of fear, into seeing myself a potential victim. 

And that makes me loathe not THEM, but MYSELF….

…I have lived a large part of my life ruled by negative emotions, mainly fear and anxiety. From my experience of working through those issues, I have this to say: Steeping yourself in the emotions that you’re surrounding yourself with, of hatred and bile and contempt, is ultimately not destructive to others like you want it to be. It’s destructive to yourself. “

(thisfeliciaday.tumblr.com/post/100700417809/the-only-thing-i-have-to-say-about-gamer-gate)

It’s not hard to see why I read those words and get affected.  Of course I understand them.  And that just makes me take it even more personally.

I’m not a gamer, so I can’t comment on the main issue surrounding all of this.  And I realize these kinds of threats are nothing new to the world, obviously- it’s why most of us are writing here.  But I don’t give a shit what the cause is, people who make these kinds of threats should take a left and head straight down to hell.  Right fucking now.

Felicia Day, I think you’re the awesomest awesome to ever awesome and I hope this passes sooner than later.

And the questions pour out…

So it’s been awhile since I had my last BIG anxiety attack (the kind where I want to crawl walls and rip my hair out.)  I don’t know why things were going well- had decided to attribute it to therapy.  And that probably is it.  BUT as I posted previously- I am having ANGER these last few days.  And I don’t deal well with anger.  I just don’t even know what to do with it.  Few things really even make me angry, but not feeling in control and feeling invalidated or used will make me angry.  My last post- the car smashing- that was about not feeling in control with my health issues, which I’ve already ranted about, so I won’t again.  (not right now, anyway!)

I had trouble sleeping that night, all the anger and anxiety.  Finally started to doze off a couple of hours before my dental appointment, but you take what you can get, right?  I kid you not, I had just relaxed when I got a bunch of txt messages.  From my brother.  Who I’m going to call Alec.  I ADORE my brother.  I can’t even tell you how awesome I truly think he is.  But he has the same capacity for just pure #$%#$^.

I crave closer relationships with all of my family.  Alec in particular is very distant.  He has told me in the past that he avoids me because he can’t deal with what happened to me (the assault.)  That hurts like hell, but I have to respect where he is too, ya know?  At the same time, he’s… not stable.  Just a few years ago, he stabbed himself in the stomach with a huge knife because he was angry.  I’m not really sure if that was a suicide attempt, but there have been those.  And he takes his anger out on himself.  I worry about him all the time, but never really know how he is doing because he tries to hide everything.  So Wed, when I got his txt asking for money because he’s going to get evicted… I was sick with worry and anger.  Anger because I know he is trying to manipulate me right now (this is the only time he makes contact) and worry because I don’t want to see him in trouble!  So- both anger triggers hit.  And everything just snowballed into that awful anxiety again.

How do you help someone you love that refuses to be helped?  I know this post probably makes no sense whatsoever.  I feel protective of my little brother and so frustrated at the same time that I have left a lot of things unsaid.  On the plus side- it sounds like he was able to avoid eviction for now.  So there’s some relief.  But sadness too.

This may seem so random, but I think of my brother when I hear this song.  It sings to my worst fears, but also my wishes to understand better what he is going through so I could help.  Except, if he doesn’t want my help… do I have any right to try to give that to him?   I don’t know any of these answers.  So here’s a song to ruin your day…

 

Disclaimer

I have no idea what I’m about to type.  I’ve been wanting to write here for a long time, but when I think about what I will write, I just get so overwhelmed with topics and then fall into old patterns of holding them all too closely.  AND, I realized a while ago that I may have made a mistake with this blog.  When I started it, I was so excited about it and felt so empowered by it, I couldn’t help telling people… even though I wanted to be able to write an anonymous blog.  And I told people I trust entirely and love very dearly.  Not too many, just those I wanted to be able to share more of myself with.  And I thought that would be ok.  And really, it probably has been.  For them.  But I’ve found myself wanting to write things that I don’t necessarily want known in real life.  Sometimes I want to write about darkness and the unpretty things that never can be made pretty, no matter how much therapy I dress them up in.  And I fear what these people will think.  What they will feel.  How they will see me.  How they will interpret what I say.  How they might worry.

To be clear, this is about me and my fears.  Not any shortcomings of those who might read this, knowing the person (me) behind the words.  But I need this blog.  I need this space.  Because I don’t have another one like it.  And this has to be the one space in my life where I don’t edit, where I don’t dress up, where I don’t worry that the truth is too ugly to say.  I need this for myself.  I don’t want to ask anyone not to read.  But here’s my disclaimer from here on out:  You may not always like what you read.  You may hate knowing I feel a certain way.  You may strongly object to my language.  You might misinterpret things, so please keep an open mind.  It is very likely that I will write about past experiences in my life that some of you might have shared, but that’s part of the process.  This is my space, but I shared it with you because I trust you and I know you care about me.

So read on at your own risk 🙂  I make no guarantees about anything from here on out.  But I don’t want to spend any more time worrying about what anyone will think about the words I choose.  It’s not a good habit for me!

No fun video today, sorry!  Just wanted to get back on this horse, and well, I guess this was as good a place as any to start writing again.  Probably the best place.  Hopefully I find myself able to write and share more frequently from here on out.  Thanks to all for taking the time to read!

If It Gives You Joy

So a few months ago, I decided I didn’t really care if I lived anymore.  I didn’t want to kill myself, and I didn’t really want to die, but I was just so exhausted and felt so hopeless about the future that I just thought “hey it’d be kind of ok to not wake up sometime,” or “next time I go into surgery, I’d be ok with not coming out of it…”  That sort of thing.  And I knew I needed help.  Because I wanted to want to live!  So I did some searching and found myself a new therapist.  We’d just moved into a new area and the old support group wasn’t really as accessible.  And I think I found a good one.  So far anyway 😉

The last couple weeks I have been REALLY struggling with anxiety.  Like RED ALERT anxiety.  I just visited with my doctor again a few days ago and we’ve adjusted some meds… so far so good.  But I was thinking tonight that I’d like to write about coping skills because sometimes I forget when I’m in the midst of that panicked hopeless feeling.  Obviously, different things are going to work for different people… but these are some of the things that have worked for me over the years:

1- Pull out the coloring book and some crayons.  There’s just something satisfying to me about coloring in the lines and maybe it’s partly about connecting with the kid inside, but I love to color.  And there’s all sorts of great coloring pages you can find online now.  Pinterest is a great source for coloring pages.  And markers, colored pencils… those are fun too, but good old crayons… they just smell right!

2-  The other night when I was freaking out, I decided to TRY taking a bath even though I wasn’t sure I could sit still.  But before I got in the tub, I grabbed a skin brush and dry brushed my whole body.  Dry brushing has a lot of great health and skin benefits, but something about the physical stimulation I think helped pull me out of my brain a little bit.  I was able to settle down and enjoy a bath (with some nice relaxing bath salts) and I really felt better afterwards.  Plus my skin was super soft- BONUS!

3- Sometimes I just need to wrap up in a nice warm blanket.  I think I can understand why babies love to be swaddled.

4- Music and Dance.  Sometimes you don’t need both, but for me, it’s nearly impossible to feel crappy when I’ve been dancing.  So if I have the energy- then this is a great soother for my heart.  I used to bellydance so sometimes that’s what I do, and sometimes I just put some good club type music on and dance around the house like I did in my single, clubbing days.  That was fun!

5- Aromatherapy.  If you can get your hands on it, I highly recommend the book The Blossoming Heart by Robbi Zeck.  She profiles 56 different oils and shows you how you can use these to heal emotional wounds.  At one point http://www.naturesgift.com used to sell the book with a kit that included 2ml bottles of each oil in a small case.  I take this case with me EVERYWHERE.

6- Make a phone call.  Calling my 3 year old niece makes my heart sing.

7- Laugh.  Have fun.  Find Joy.  This is where I post some obligatory links to some favorite videos… because… they make me happy!

Supernatural is full of funny videos- this one is just fun and one of the many reasons I love this fandom:

Dr. Horrible is a favorite, and here’s a clip of a favorite song:

 

Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s musical episode, “Once More With Feeling” always makes me smile.  (Not too many great links for this, but here’s one anyway):

 

Pretty much anything The Piano Guys do makes me happy, but especially watching Steven Sharp Nelson play the cello because HE is just so darn happy!:

 

And one last video because it inspired the name of the post:

the sky is paper

I had planned to write a second post much sooner as I was really excited about starting this blog, but sometimes the words get all stuck somewhere and it takes more time than I’d like for them to work their way out.  Kinda having one of those moments now, but all the thinky thoughts are keeping me awake.  Wide awake.  I think they are meant to distract me from this gaping hole I feel in my chest right now.  Don’t know where it came from.  It wasn’t there an hour ago when I went to bed… but it sure came along in full force shortly after.  I never sleep after that.

My therapist has been trying to convince me that I can feel safe.  That I can be “aware” without being hyper-vigilant.  I seem to strongly disagree.  My husband has been working overnight shifts this week, which left me home alone all night.  Of course, my plan to deal with this is to stay up all night till he gets home.  Or at least until daylight.  I usually feel much better when the sun is out.  For the most part, this works because I generally sleep like crap anyway so I do this when he is home sometimes as well.  He’s back to a regular schedule today so I was looking forward to a regular night.  I’m tired as hell, too, so I really expected to fall right asleep.

I think it started with a prayer.  I don’t pray regularly.  I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with it.  That’s a whole other bag, but the short of it- God and me have some issues.  I’m sure I’ll write about those sometime, but I’m pretty stubborn about confronting that so I won’t write much tonight.  BUT, early in the week as I was feeling exhausted and anxious about being home alone, I said a little prayer, asking that I be/feel safe while I’m home alone.   And as I was closing my eyes tonight, glad the week was over, I thought, “oh, bettter say thanks.”  So I did that real quick.  I felt awkward as usual.  This is partly because I was raised to say prayers a certain way, with a certain format, something like “… in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Years ago, when I decided I didn’t accept the religion I had grown up with, I realized I had to start from scratch to discover what I DID believe.  I haven’t really decided if Christ is part of that or not.  So saying a prayer in his name feels weird, because it’s not authentic.  Now I suppose it should be easy to find another way to pray.  And actually, I occasionally do.  But most of the time, I revert to the pattern I know.  Truth is, I don’t really have a lot of faith in prayer.  It’s kind of like crossing my fingers.  I do it just in case it helps because I WANT to believe it works.  But I really don’t.

So, back to me lying in bed tonight… I start thinking about all that, feeling guilty about not having more faith, about not being more grateful, about not saying a better prayer… and now I’m wide awake thinking that the world is not how it should be.  My therapist wants me to believe that odds are, I am not going to be hurt again.  That most of the people in the world are good people.  My parents want me to believe that God is watching, and listening, and somehow INVOLVED in our lives and the world.  20 years ago, I accepted all this as fact.  The world was basically good.  Bad things might still happen to good people, but at the end of the day, God is there.  We’re not alone.  AND THIS WILL SOMEHOW MAKE EVERYTHING OK.

Bullshit.  ok… now the anger is coming out, and I knew it would.  blechhh.  I told ya, me and God got some stuff to work out.  I don’t do well with expressing anger.  I don’t even do well with realizing I feel this way.  But I AM pissed.  I feel like the world is a SHITTY place.  People can’t be trusted.  God-that-I-thought-existed IS NOT REAL.  (Note: I am not saying God is not real.  I really don’t know.  I just know it’s not the God I thought was real.)  It’s like finding out that beautiful sky is made of paper and someone just punched a hole through it with their fist.  World destroyed.  It’s like finding out the glasses you’ve been wearing all your life had rose-colored lenses… and without them, the world is completely different.  And I just can’t reconcile…

I wish I could.  …  *deep breath*  Wow, I just read what i had typed so far.  I guess I knew damn good and well where that gaping hole came from.  I just didn’t want to admit it.  Like I said… STUBBORN.  I have to admit, the pain in my chest is a little smaller now.  So, um… yay?

Ummm… I can usually only handle personal revelation in small doses.  And I kinda use fandom as a coping strategy sometimes?  So… I’ll just finish this post with a favorite fanvid of mine that kinda captures my current feels.  If you’re into that, enjoy?  If not… that’s ok.  Thanks for hearing me out tonight!  This is a Supernatural fanvid, “No Bravery” by Ash.

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