Think I’m on to something,…?

So much has changed this last week.  Internal changes.  Things shifting and circling.   It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one.  Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH.  And I really wish I could write about it right now.  But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life.  That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has.  I want to write, but  I’m still sorting.  Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all.  I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway.  Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff.  But I think I’m on to something….!

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Schooled by Shirley Manson

So, this is a super quick post… MUCH going on in my head these last few days…. SO MUCH.  Things are shifting and just stuff I was NOT expecting right now.  It’s good though.  But anyway, watched a great vid last night – Shirley Manson talking about getting old and fear.  Totally got to give myself this pep talk more often!

The Sound of My Heart

I don’t know if anything has ever touched me so deeply,  If you could hear my heart… This is her song.  “The Heart Asks Pleasure First – The Promise” by Michael Nyman from “The Piano.”

I love this song so much that I continually play it badly on the piano every chance I get.  It would be awesome to master someday and let the song flow from my body itself.  But for now…

Looking for love

Nah, not the romantic kind.  The kind that says “this is me”.  I remember years ago in group therapy, the question was something along the lines of “what are you searching for?”  And I think it was supposed to be a one word answer.  I remember “beauty” was the answer for me.  I feel sometimes like my soul is starving.  And having witnessed first hand such ugliness… I just want things that speak to my heart.  The kind of beauty that brings tears to your eyes.

This last couple of years, being sick, I’ve lost a lot of motivation to do, well, much at all.  I have “interests” in things… like, my pinterest page is chock-full of stuff I think is awesome… but if I could do or be anything in the world- no obstacles… I have NO idea what that would be.  I mean, I enjoyed massage therapy- I enjoyed the exposure to a lot of alternative ways of thinking, but I don’t LOVE it.  It’s not my calling.  I started making jewelry for a while- and there was a lot of satisfaction there.  In fact, I used to say my dream job would be to have a workshop full of crap and to just be able to make stuff out of it.  But there isn’t one particular art form that really calls to me either.  I  know I’m looking for something creative, but just, no clue anymore what that is.

Have you ever seen Steven Sharp Nelson (The Piano Guys) play the cello?  I mean… his soul is on his face when he plays, if that makes sense.  He shines.  He is so in love with what he is doing, I could watch him play all day!  And the music pretty much doesn’t suck either (in other words, it’s gorgeous).  Watch him play and tell me that doesn’t make you want to feel that:

 

 

 

These are just 3 of my favorites.  Truth is, I could listen to these guys all day.  They even have a couple of songs that appeal to my inner geek 🙂

But yeah, I wish I could find that kind of just pure joy in my life…

Dangerous Beauty

Just a quick post.  I watched one of my old favorite movies tonight (Dangerous Beauty), and it still brings me to tears in the end.  The look of conviction and serenity on her face as she refuses to lie to save her self while telling the truth of her life as a courtesan.  It just touches me somehow and I cry everytime.  I don’t know how much of this movie is based on the REAL story of Veronica Franco, but I find nearly every word of it just beautiful.  She is a strong woman in a historic setting.  She makes her choices and she does not apologize for who she is.  Something I hope to be more of all of the time.  I could only find one youtube clip of her confessing at the Inquisition, but I’m going to include it because it is the part of the movie where I start losing it!

Highly recommend this movie (nudity and language warning- not in the clip but in the movie- but I think it’s worth it).

 

 

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