Holy shit the WHY

Even if nothing else in this song made sense, WHY is perfection.  There are no other words.  Which is good, ’cause I’m still short on them.  Just holy shit, the WHY.  (Flaw- Fall Into This)

“Fall Into This”

Torn away from all that matters
And led by the wrong intentions
I know it wouldn’t be too easy, not yet
To go somewhere I’m afraid of
It’s made of…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
No…

Wrong, nothing really matters
If I was gone, would it make you any sadder?
I feel half as good as normal, you know
To steal – what to steal – what’s already taken
Here I go again…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again

I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know…
That you did this to me, you did this to me!

Why?!
You did this to me, I just want to know
Why?!
You did this to me
And it starts

God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep again
And I feel my way
Thank you for making me talk
God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep
And I failed, I think you know

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All the feels (have I used this subject title before? hmmm….)

I feel like I’ve been a terrible friend here online, so I’m sorry.  I love all of you who I have talked with here online.  Those of you who have shared such personal pieces of yourself… I feel like you deserve more from me, especially when you have given me so much by reading and support me!  I know you know I’m doing the best I can right now, but I still feel the need to acknowledge it.  Just a week and a half ago, I got introduced to some really great stuff by CC and Alex over at https://ccchanel41.wordpress.com/  (Refractory Ramblings from the Darkside).  Both things have totally gone into my coping strategies toolbox.

First, Bo Burnham and “What.” is the most genius things I’ve seen in a while.  Laughter and truth all in one.  https://youtu.be/ejc5zic4q2A  His show is free on Youtube and Netflix.  It’s totally NSFW but watch when you can because it’s brilliant and I’ve watched it like 5 times in the last 8 days, hahah.  I feel bad for the people (who are too too many) I can’t share it with because of content.  They are missing something awesome.

Second?  Amanda Palmer.  How did I not know this woman existed???  In the hours I haven’t been watching Bo Burnham, she’s been playing 24/7.  I love music of all kinds.  I communicate and find places where my feelings exist in music very often, but there are only a few who just bring the feels with every word.  Even when I don’t know what she’s referring to, the emotion is still there and it’s just wrapped itself around my heart!  I can’t even describe it.  I could share any number of her songs here, but the one that’s really gotten too me the last few days is “Trout Heart Replica.”

At first, the lyrics that caught me were:

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart

And then one day…

And the butcher stops and winds his watch and lays their lives down on the block
He raises up his hatchet and the big hand strikes a compromise
Wait, we’ll trade you
Wait
Please just one more day
And then we’ll go with no complaining
No complaining
No complaining
No complaining

And holy shit.  I remembered that feeling.  The “butcher” holding me down with a knife, and all I could think was Wait… Just one more day…Please just one more day.  And now the whole song takes even more meaning and a new feeling and I just keep listening to it.

I’m not the fish anymore, right now.  But….

they’re cutting
And they’re cutting
And I think that I know
And they’re gutting
And they’re gutting
And I think that I know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s beating
And I don’t want to know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s still beating
God, I don’t want to know

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart
And if he tells me “no”
I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor
Eventually I’m know I’m doomed
To get what I am asking for…

I’ve never been able to put such accurate words to the way I feel.  Smaller heart?  YES PLEASE.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So much about this song!

dwfeels

So I actually have a lot of life stuff to write about… but I keep avoiding it, so I’m starting easy today.  Maybe I will try again tomorrow to write about what’s been up.  ‘Cause this brain needs to dump.  Room is very scarce for anything else.

Hope you love Bo and Amanda as much as I do now.  And as much as I love you all.

#AlwaysKeepFighting  (yes, I will keep using this hashtag on posts because its something I am desperately taking to heart and I need the constant reminder myself.)

I was an angel

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I need
Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Looking to get fucked hard
Like a groupie incognito posing as a real singer
Life imitates art

You got that medicine I need
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart please
I don’t really wanna know what’s good for me
God’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me
Crazy –
Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me.  Did it work?  Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video.  HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version.  Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

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Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…!  (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

Think I’m on to something,…?

So much has changed this last week.  Internal changes.  Things shifting and circling.   It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one.  Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH.  And I really wish I could write about it right now.  But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life.  That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has.  I want to write, but  I’m still sorting.  Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all.  I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway.  Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff.  But I think I’m on to something….!

Thanks to my insides

I feel … I can’t finish that sentence right now.  I’ve had this thing weighing on me the last couple of days.  A suspicion I’ve had for years, but never confirmed.  It’s been on my mind a lot.  Generally I do not dwell on it.  Why spend the energy on something that may not be real?  But the last couple of days, I can’t shake it.  My anxiety at night has been through the roof.  I can’t sleep.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch because trying to go to bed just makes the anxiety worse.  And I wonder, is this some small confirmation of what I have wondered?  And what if it is?  Not having a memory to go with it… I feel sick inside as I cycle through possibilities… I want to write about all of this, but I don’t think I’m prepared to deal with the fears it brings.  But, I just had to reach out a little bit because I know there are those who will understand.  I want to forget about it… stop thinking about it…. push it back to the corners of my mind where it has dwelt for years and years.  How does it do me any good to have it sitting here out in the open when I can’t even pursue it?  I hate my insides sometimes.

Huh, maybe that’s why I keep having to get bits of them removed surgically,.  Well.  That’s helpful.

The first time and the last time… self harm

Someone else wrote about the topic of self harm the other day and I thought I would share my own experience as it is part of the road I have traveled in learning to cope with trauma.  You can read the original post at http://heathershelpers.org/2014/10/13/self-harm/

 

9207e756b2b8db7d3438541448c4626f(picture was found on pinterest, don’t know who to credit)

 

I remember the first time… I supposed anyone would.  It was… 15 years ago?  I was trying to deal with the never ending anxiety and constant state of alertness I was in.  I had a little corner in my bedroom, I lit some candles and some incense and tried to meditate.  I hadn’t ever really tried this before, unless you count prayer growing up… and even then- I’ve always had a hard time being in the moment- connecting to it.  I can recognize that now.  But growing up, I didn’t know those words… have the language.  I don’t know why I disconnect, disassociate.  It’s just always been a coping mechanism I guess.  But in the year after the rape, I started to learn the words, and I started to recognize the ever present state.

I had also just started massage school.  So I was learning new things, about body awareness, mindfulness… things that sounded wonderful and I KNEW they could help me.  (It sounded so easy in those days….)  So yeah, candlelight, incense, deep breathing… try to clear the mind… HA.  I kinda freaked out.  A lot.  And I remember looking at that incense stick kind of curiously.  And I wanted to feel it.  I picked the stick up and just slowly pressed it into my arm.  Just drawn to it.  And it was such a relief!  Suddenly clarity!  CONTROL!  visibility.  Things my insides did not have.  It was… peaceful.  Just what I had been looking for!  I pressed it into my arm again, feeling that connection to my pain.  And I just started repeatedly jabbing the thing all over my arm.  I don’t know how many times.  But it was almost like taking a paint brush and painting pretty little dots.  Springy… from one to the next.  It was… happy.

(It’s really weird looking at this memory and smiling… because I know how fucked up it is.)

And when I was done, my arm was a mess… but I was proud of it in a weird way.  I remember the next day, I was sitting in class… and I had pulled the sleeve up on my shirt just a little bit.  I want to say it was accidentally… but I’m not honestly sure there wasn’t some part of me that wanted someone to see it.  And I remember I caught the girl sitting next to me staring at it, and I said something crazy about grease splatter and I’m sure she didn’t buy it, but I think she was the only one who really saw it.  Eventually they healed.  I remember it kind of scared me, the power I felt when I was doing it, and the ease at which I got caught up in it… I only did that one other time, years later.  But I remember for the next few years, when summer would come and my arms would get a little color, you could see all these white spots, scars all over my arm.  And I always liked the way they looked.  I admit, even now, I wish I could still see them, but they eventually faded away.

I think it was a while before I tried anything else.  A couple of months at least.  I think I’d had some medication changes that made my anxiety skyrocket… I can remember taking my lunch break at work and going to the grocery store where I bought a steak knife.  And I can remember going back to the parking lot at work, sitting in my car and lightly running it all over my arms.  Just enough to leave scratch marks.

Here’s the thing- I’m kinda a wuss about pain… well, I used to be anyway.  I don’t know if I ever cut deep enough to draw actual blood.  So I call myself a scratcher 🙂  But yeah, the steak knives and the “scratching”- that became the method of choice for… the next 2 or 3 years?

The last time…  I had started taking ambien again to help me sleep.  The drawback was that I looked forward to that first hour after taking it, because it was the best I felt every day.  (I missed the whole drinking, partying, etc stage in life so ambien was really my first experience with anything remotely mind-altering.)  Ambien always made me feel so damn creative!  And I used to write a lot.  So I remember reading some things I had written the next day.  And it freaked me the hell out.  I can’t even remember what I wrote, but it was about cutting and blood and it was just messed up.  And I started to worry that I’d do something while on Ambien and go too far.  Control was a big part of the need to cut, so losing control just wasn’t going to work for me.  I decided I was done.

The next time I felt that urge so powerfully, I tried painting it.  I went to Walmart, got a cheap canvas and some paints.  I came home and started painting.  First the flesh, then the cutting.  And it actually worked for me.  So well, that for a long time, all I had to do was look at my painting and it brought relief.

20141015_011701

I still get the urge.  And there have been a few times I have come pretty damn close to giving in.  But it’s been about 12 years now since I painted that picture.  Being stubborn sometimes plays into my favor… and now I’ve got the control issue working for me instead of against.

So that’s my story.  I thought the post I linked to above went into why people self- harm and explained it pretty well, so I didn’t repeat.  I also thought she listed some great alternatives… coping strategies.  I think we all have our reasons and our methods for getting through it.  And I’m not really sure why, but I really felt the urge to share my own experience here.  Read Heather’s post above, if you haven’t.  People are complicated things and we deal with things in complicated ways.  It’s so hard to know how to help or react to someone who is dealing with some of these things and one of the things I hope to accomplish in keeping this blog is normalizing what might seem like really abnormal behavior.  I’m not in any way saying that self-harm is a healthy coping strategy, but I think it helps to know that we are not alone in our experiences.  We are normal people just trying to get by.

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Full Disclosure:  You know how when you share something like this you kind of get that little bit of anxiety about what people will think when they read it?  Someone in group therapy once derisively called me a “mormon drug user” when I mentioned ambien.  And it really stung.  I have anxiety that people will read this and not think my experiences are valid… (“ambien? ha… what a sheltered little girl…”) (“only a scratcher?  That doesn’t count!”)  I actually KNOW that people won’t think that, but I’m still afraid they will?  Hmmm….I’m really in a sharing mood right now.

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