and that’s what I got

A story, in two songs.

Hear me…

… or not.

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Holy shit the WHY

Even if nothing else in this song made sense, WHY is perfection.  There are no other words.  Which is good, ’cause I’m still short on them.  Just holy shit, the WHY.  (Flaw- Fall Into This)

“Fall Into This”

Torn away from all that matters
And led by the wrong intentions
I know it wouldn’t be too easy, not yet
To go somewhere I’m afraid of
It’s made of…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
No…

Wrong, nothing really matters
If I was gone, would it make you any sadder?
I feel half as good as normal, you know
To steal – what to steal – what’s already taken
Here I go again…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again

I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know…
That you did this to me, you did this to me!

Why?!
You did this to me, I just want to know
Why?!
You did this to me
And it starts

God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep again
And I feel my way
Thank you for making me talk
God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep
And I failed, I think you know

Enjoy your burrito…

Enjoy your burrito.  Enjoy my burrito.  God knows I’d like to.

It may be necessary to explain this phrase, especially if you’re not the nerd I am:

Enjoy your burrito

Nerdist Presents: Enjoy Your Burrito

And damn, if that’s not good advice.  But… it’s not really working.  I think I found a more appropriate description to how I feel these days….

(Watch the video, read the lyrics and watch it one more time.  You think this bit is about comedy, but the whole damn thing is much, much deeper and I think every word is a metaphor for something else…)

It takes a couple minutes into the song, but this is what my burrito is like these days:

Lyrics by Bo Burnham

Can I say my shit?
Can I say my shit?
I’ve got lots of shit to say
I’ve got lots of shit to say
I can’t fit my hand inside a pringle can
I have a huge amount of trouble
Fitting my hand inside a pringle can
I can get my hand like four inches in
But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth
But then a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can
So they all go spilling onto my face
What I’m trying to say is that the diameter
Of pringle cans are way too small
I’ll say it again
The diameter of a pringle can is way too small
Two raidiuses of a pringle can is way too small
If you feel me, put your hands up
Come on!
If you feel me, put your hands up
Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a pringle can
Those hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can
Your hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can
You think you can, I know you can
Pringles!
Listen to the people, I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get
Are about the fucking width of your cans
We’re not animals
Okay, I’ve overdone the pringles thing
Sorry
I want to have a daughter
I want to have a daughter
So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands
Into pringle cans
Yes, I’m still on the pringle cans thing!
I will move on, alright?
But that is priority numbero uno
I don’t go to the gym
Because I’m self concious about my body
But I’m self concious about my body because I don’t go to the gym
Isn’t that- That’s irony
Irony can be painful
Alright, let’s do this
Let’s do this!
I went to Chipotle
I went to Chipotle
And I got myself a chicken burrito
I went down the line, and I got all these ingredients
And at the end of the line
The guy tried to wrap the burrito
But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out
I was like, dude you should have warned me!
You’re a burrito expert
You should have told me halfway through!
Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here
Do you fucking think I want a messy burrito?
No one wants a messy burrito
The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained
Within the confines of the tortilla
I wouldn’t have gotten half of the shit if I knew it wasn’t gonna fit inside it! Alright?
I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got
Half of it
I’m okay with small mistakes
If you’ve got no more chicken, I’ll take pork
But I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork
I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got half of it right
Half of it right
Half of it right
Half of it right now
I think it’s time I
Think it’s time I think we’ll break it down

Put the lotion in the basket
No, they’re too young
I can sit here and pretend
Like my biggest problems are
Pringle cans
And burritos
But the truth is, my biggest problem is you
I want to please you
But I want to stay true to myself
I want to give you the night out that you deserve
But I want to say what I think
And not care what you think about it
Part of me loves you
Part of me hates you
Part of me needs you
Part of me fears you
And I don’t think that I can handle this right now
I don’t think that I can handle this right now
I don’t think that I can handle this right now

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
They don’t even know the half of this right now
Look at them, they’re just staring at me
Like come and watch the
Skinny kid with a
Steadily declining mental health
And laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
They don’t even know the half of this right now
They don’t even know the half of it
But I know I’m not a doctor
I’m a pussy who puts
On a silly show
So I should probably just shut up
And do my job
So here I go

I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got half
You can tell them anything if
You just make it funny
Make it rhyme
If they still don’t understand you
Then you
Run it one more time

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
If you think that I can handle this right now
Then you don’t even know the half of this right now
Right now
Now
Handle this right
Handle this right
Handle this right now

All the feels (have I used this subject title before? hmmm….)

I feel like I’ve been a terrible friend here online, so I’m sorry.  I love all of you who I have talked with here online.  Those of you who have shared such personal pieces of yourself… I feel like you deserve more from me, especially when you have given me so much by reading and support me!  I know you know I’m doing the best I can right now, but I still feel the need to acknowledge it.  Just a week and a half ago, I got introduced to some really great stuff by CC and Alex over at https://ccchanel41.wordpress.com/  (Refractory Ramblings from the Darkside).  Both things have totally gone into my coping strategies toolbox.

First, Bo Burnham and “What.” is the most genius things I’ve seen in a while.  Laughter and truth all in one.  https://youtu.be/ejc5zic4q2A  His show is free on Youtube and Netflix.  It’s totally NSFW but watch when you can because it’s brilliant and I’ve watched it like 5 times in the last 8 days, hahah.  I feel bad for the people (who are too too many) I can’t share it with because of content.  They are missing something awesome.

Second?  Amanda Palmer.  How did I not know this woman existed???  In the hours I haven’t been watching Bo Burnham, she’s been playing 24/7.  I love music of all kinds.  I communicate and find places where my feelings exist in music very often, but there are only a few who just bring the feels with every word.  Even when I don’t know what she’s referring to, the emotion is still there and it’s just wrapped itself around my heart!  I can’t even describe it.  I could share any number of her songs here, but the one that’s really gotten too me the last few days is “Trout Heart Replica.”

At first, the lyrics that caught me were:

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart

And then one day…

And the butcher stops and winds his watch and lays their lives down on the block
He raises up his hatchet and the big hand strikes a compromise
Wait, we’ll trade you
Wait
Please just one more day
And then we’ll go with no complaining
No complaining
No complaining
No complaining

And holy shit.  I remembered that feeling.  The “butcher” holding me down with a knife, and all I could think was Wait… Just one more day…Please just one more day.  And now the whole song takes even more meaning and a new feeling and I just keep listening to it.

I’m not the fish anymore, right now.  But….

they’re cutting
And they’re cutting
And I think that I know
And they’re gutting
And they’re gutting
And I think that I know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s beating
And I don’t want to know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s still beating
God, I don’t want to know

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart
And if he tells me “no”
I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor
Eventually I’m know I’m doomed
To get what I am asking for…

I’ve never been able to put such accurate words to the way I feel.  Smaller heart?  YES PLEASE.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So much about this song!

dwfeels

So I actually have a lot of life stuff to write about… but I keep avoiding it, so I’m starting easy today.  Maybe I will try again tomorrow to write about what’s been up.  ‘Cause this brain needs to dump.  Room is very scarce for anything else.

Hope you love Bo and Amanda as much as I do now.  And as much as I love you all.

#AlwaysKeepFighting  (yes, I will keep using this hashtag on posts because its something I am desperately taking to heart and I need the constant reminder myself.)

I was an angel

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I need
Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Looking to get fucked hard
Like a groupie incognito posing as a real singer
Life imitates art

You got that medicine I need
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart please
I don’t really wanna know what’s good for me
God’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me
Crazy –
Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me.  Did it work?  Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video.  HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version.  Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

=-=-=-=

Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…!  (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

Think I’m on to something,…?

So much has changed this last week.  Internal changes.  Things shifting and circling.   It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one.  Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH.  And I really wish I could write about it right now.  But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life.  That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has.  I want to write, but  I’m still sorting.  Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all.  I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway.  Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff.  But I think I’m on to something….!

So many things…

I’ve been putting this off and putting it off for so many reasons.  None of which have anything to do with this.  I love blogging my ups and downs.  And I’ve really missed it the last couple of months.  But I haven’t really been in a great place, and you know how it is… well at least for me, I tend to hide until the shit goes away or it’s really repressed enough that I can just pretend to be normal and ok.  But that hasn’t been happening.  Instead, more shit just keeps appearing.

I’ve been kind of aware of some of what I’ve been hiding from.  But a couple days ago I totally broke down and admitted I hate this ostomy.  (Surgery went find, medically speaking, my ostomy is great and my health is much improved.)  But mentally, I’m not dealing with it as well as I thought I could.  See, when I was raped 16 years ago, the ONE thing I found was that I could survive anything.  I made that my rock.  It was my foundation and I built my world around it.  No matter how bad it got, I survived that, I can survive this.  It rather pisses me off that this lifesaving ostomy that I should be grateful for is causing that foundation to crumble.  I literally found myself praying to die the other night.  I don’t pray.  And I knew the prayer was pointless because God doesn’t answer my prayers.  But I felt so alone.  Even though my dear husband spent half the day with his arms around me in support… I feel pointless, I feel cheated.  For the first time in my life I hate my body.  I can’t bring myself to take a shower.  It’s so strong.  I know I need to, I get all my stuff ready, slowly, but when it comes down to it, I just can’t.  I hate dealing with the ostomy in the shower.  So I go a week without it, until my hard-wired need to meet certain social expectations finally wins out, and I force myself through it.  Purely so I can go to therapy the next day and keep my secret that i am barely holding it together.

Right now I feel jealous of everyone who is dead.  It was just a year ago one of my best friends took his life and all I can think is that I wish I could trade him places.  And Hope… dear Kyra.  I feel terrible that she felt so alone.  One of the first things I found out when I started reading blogs again was that she was gone.  It broke my heart.  She was the first person to ever follow my blog, comment… and hers was the first blog I ever followed.  She wa such a beautiful, intelligent person. and I’m sorry she’s gone.  And yet I can’t help but envy her just a tiny bit.  And I feel terrible about that.  Sometime I want to punch myself in the face for being so done by sometimes comparably small things.

 

My therapist thinks maybe its time I consider ECT.  I’m beginning to think he’s right, though I have mixed feelings about it.  I know some of you, my readers, have had it, and I would really appreciate some feedback.  If you feel like you don’t want to share on the blog, let me know and we can email each other or something.  I really want to know all the good and all the bad before I make a decision like this.  But something’s gotta change ’cause I can’t keep playing by the rules.  I’m just done.

The Patient

So Thursday night I went to bed around 9, exhausted from a few stressful days and not sleeping well for a couple.  I thought I’d be out in seconds.  Nope.  Lay awake for hours.  But it was still restful so I just relaxed and figured I would eventually fall asleep.  At about 3am I finally took an Ambien.  Still no help, but I lay in bed, still sorta resting but not quite sleeping and too tired to get up and do anything else.  At about 8 or 9 am I KNEW I had to get some real sleep so I took a Klonopin and a mild muscle relaxer.  FINALLY SLEEP.  With the exception of getting up to use the restroom a few times I slept till about 10pm, when my husband came from work.  (And I mean REALLY SLEPT.  I WAS OUT.)

When he got home, we had something to eat and watched a little tv.  And by 11 I was ready to go back to bed.  Just so freaking tired!  So that’s what I did.  And I slept again until about 3pm.  Got up for a bit, hung out with the husband, started feeling sick to my stomach around 9 so I went to lay down a while.  Got up a couple hours later then finally went to bed again at 2am.  Slept until about 8pm Sunday.  He’s working overnight again so I HAD to stay awake but all I wanted to do was go back to bed.  I haven’t eaten hardly a thing the last few days.  Everytime I eat I just get terrible consequences (yay for IBD).  So I have no energy.  I’m exhausted, depressed, and all I can think about is how I wish I would just die already.  What God or WHOEVER is asking of me is just too hard and I want to be done.  I struggle to see the point of me living when I am spending most of it in bed.  And it this point I just feel crappy all the time and can’t get excited about the things I love.  I don’t think I’d say I’m suicidal.  I’m too damn stubborn.  But I would happily die in my sleep.  I had a scope for my jpouch last Monday and a teeny tiny part of me hoped I wouldn’t wake up from anesthesia.  I knew I would, so the disappointment was small when I did.  But it just sounds like such a great way to go.  And I don’t know what I’m really holding on to right now.

There’s just soooo much that I feel I will never find my way out of.  Dealing with things, weights, emotions, depressions, fears, anxieties, beliefs, etc. I’ve carried my whole life.  That alone weighs a TON.  Now I’m being asked to deal with this chronic illness that should have technically been “cured” when I had surgery… nobody seems to know what to do to help me anymore with that.  I’m afraid this is the life I have to look forward to.  I scares me, it depresses me, and I just want to go to sleep because i can’t deal with it all right now.

This song has meant a lot of different things to me over the years, but it seems to fit here pretty perfectly.

 

Tool, “The Patient”

(lyrics are in the video)

 

And now its 5:30am and I am going to try to get some sleep before therapy this afternoon.  Back to bed it is!

Disclaimer

I have no idea what I’m about to type.  I’ve been wanting to write here for a long time, but when I think about what I will write, I just get so overwhelmed with topics and then fall into old patterns of holding them all too closely.  AND, I realized a while ago that I may have made a mistake with this blog.  When I started it, I was so excited about it and felt so empowered by it, I couldn’t help telling people… even though I wanted to be able to write an anonymous blog.  And I told people I trust entirely and love very dearly.  Not too many, just those I wanted to be able to share more of myself with.  And I thought that would be ok.  And really, it probably has been.  For them.  But I’ve found myself wanting to write things that I don’t necessarily want known in real life.  Sometimes I want to write about darkness and the unpretty things that never can be made pretty, no matter how much therapy I dress them up in.  And I fear what these people will think.  What they will feel.  How they will see me.  How they will interpret what I say.  How they might worry.

To be clear, this is about me and my fears.  Not any shortcomings of those who might read this, knowing the person (me) behind the words.  But I need this blog.  I need this space.  Because I don’t have another one like it.  And this has to be the one space in my life where I don’t edit, where I don’t dress up, where I don’t worry that the truth is too ugly to say.  I need this for myself.  I don’t want to ask anyone not to read.  But here’s my disclaimer from here on out:  You may not always like what you read.  You may hate knowing I feel a certain way.  You may strongly object to my language.  You might misinterpret things, so please keep an open mind.  It is very likely that I will write about past experiences in my life that some of you might have shared, but that’s part of the process.  This is my space, but I shared it with you because I trust you and I know you care about me.

So read on at your own risk 🙂  I make no guarantees about anything from here on out.  But I don’t want to spend any more time worrying about what anyone will think about the words I choose.  It’s not a good habit for me!

No fun video today, sorry!  Just wanted to get back on this horse, and well, I guess this was as good a place as any to start writing again.  Probably the best place.  Hopefully I find myself able to write and share more frequently from here on out.  Thanks to all for taking the time to read!

If It Gives You Joy

So a few months ago, I decided I didn’t really care if I lived anymore.  I didn’t want to kill myself, and I didn’t really want to die, but I was just so exhausted and felt so hopeless about the future that I just thought “hey it’d be kind of ok to not wake up sometime,” or “next time I go into surgery, I’d be ok with not coming out of it…”  That sort of thing.  And I knew I needed help.  Because I wanted to want to live!  So I did some searching and found myself a new therapist.  We’d just moved into a new area and the old support group wasn’t really as accessible.  And I think I found a good one.  So far anyway 😉

The last couple weeks I have been REALLY struggling with anxiety.  Like RED ALERT anxiety.  I just visited with my doctor again a few days ago and we’ve adjusted some meds… so far so good.  But I was thinking tonight that I’d like to write about coping skills because sometimes I forget when I’m in the midst of that panicked hopeless feeling.  Obviously, different things are going to work for different people… but these are some of the things that have worked for me over the years:

1- Pull out the coloring book and some crayons.  There’s just something satisfying to me about coloring in the lines and maybe it’s partly about connecting with the kid inside, but I love to color.  And there’s all sorts of great coloring pages you can find online now.  Pinterest is a great source for coloring pages.  And markers, colored pencils… those are fun too, but good old crayons… they just smell right!

2-  The other night when I was freaking out, I decided to TRY taking a bath even though I wasn’t sure I could sit still.  But before I got in the tub, I grabbed a skin brush and dry brushed my whole body.  Dry brushing has a lot of great health and skin benefits, but something about the physical stimulation I think helped pull me out of my brain a little bit.  I was able to settle down and enjoy a bath (with some nice relaxing bath salts) and I really felt better afterwards.  Plus my skin was super soft- BONUS!

3- Sometimes I just need to wrap up in a nice warm blanket.  I think I can understand why babies love to be swaddled.

4- Music and Dance.  Sometimes you don’t need both, but for me, it’s nearly impossible to feel crappy when I’ve been dancing.  So if I have the energy- then this is a great soother for my heart.  I used to bellydance so sometimes that’s what I do, and sometimes I just put some good club type music on and dance around the house like I did in my single, clubbing days.  That was fun!

5- Aromatherapy.  If you can get your hands on it, I highly recommend the book The Blossoming Heart by Robbi Zeck.  She profiles 56 different oils and shows you how you can use these to heal emotional wounds.  At one point http://www.naturesgift.com used to sell the book with a kit that included 2ml bottles of each oil in a small case.  I take this case with me EVERYWHERE.

6- Make a phone call.  Calling my 3 year old niece makes my heart sing.

7- Laugh.  Have fun.  Find Joy.  This is where I post some obligatory links to some favorite videos… because… they make me happy!

Supernatural is full of funny videos- this one is just fun and one of the many reasons I love this fandom:

Dr. Horrible is a favorite, and here’s a clip of a favorite song:

 

Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s musical episode, “Once More With Feeling” always makes me smile.  (Not too many great links for this, but here’s one anyway):

 

Pretty much anything The Piano Guys do makes me happy, but especially watching Steven Sharp Nelson play the cello because HE is just so darn happy!:

 

And one last video because it inspired the name of the post:

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