and that’s what I got

A story, in two songs.

Hear me…

… or not.

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Holy shit the WHY

Even if nothing else in this song made sense, WHY is perfection.  There are no other words.  Which is good, ’cause I’m still short on them.  Just holy shit, the WHY.  (Flaw- Fall Into This)

“Fall Into This”

Torn away from all that matters
And led by the wrong intentions
I know it wouldn’t be too easy, not yet
To go somewhere I’m afraid of
It’s made of…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
No…

Wrong, nothing really matters
If I was gone, would it make you any sadder?
I feel half as good as normal, you know
To steal – what to steal – what’s already taken
Here I go again…

Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again
Lord I’m lost and then I’m tossed
Thoughts I’m receiving, making me say
That I know I’ll just be there once again

I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know,
That you did this to me
I think you know…
That you did this to me, you did this to me!

Why?!
You did this to me, I just want to know
Why?!
You did this to me
And it starts

God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep again
And I feel my way
Thank you for making me talk
God I’m losing sleep again
God I’m losing sleep
And I failed, I think you know

I was an angel

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I need
Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Looking to get fucked hard
Like a groupie incognito posing as a real singer
Life imitates art

You got that medicine I need
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart please
I don’t really wanna know what’s good for me
God’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me
Crazy –
Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me.  Did it work?  Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video.  HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version.  Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

=-=-=-=

Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…!  (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

Think I’m on to something,…?

So much has changed this last week.  Internal changes.  Things shifting and circling.   It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one.  Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH.  And I really wish I could write about it right now.  But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life.  That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has.  I want to write, but  I’m still sorting.  Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all.  I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway.  Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff.  But I think I’m on to something….!

Like it Knew it Was Time To Start Things Over Again

So homework this week was to learn to love my body again.  I kinda hadn’t realized I had stopped, or that it was something I really needed to work on, but the truth is, I realize lately just how disconnected I am from myself physically.  Sometimes when I’m lying in bed, I have to move my legs because I can’t feel them anymore.  I literally forget they’re even there.  And when I start to feel, well, I just want it to go away.  And I think about how sometimes the best part about Ambien is the “out of body” feeling you get with it.   And that’s what I want… out of body.

I wasn’t sure how to write about this,because I realize it’s an issue, but not one I can connect with and process very well yet.  But I came across a song (of course, in a fanvid) and it just really fit.  So I’m going to post the lyrics first, then include a link to the fanvid, just cause.  But I love this song now.  The song is called “Daisy” by Brand New.

I’m a mountain that has been moved
I’m a river that is all dried up
I’m an ocean nothing floats on
I’m a sky that nothing wants to fly in

I’m a sun that doesn’t burn hot
I’m a moon that never shows its face
I’m a mouth that doesn’t smile
I’m a word that no one ever wants to say

I’m a mountain that has been moved
I’m a fugitive that has no legs to run
I’m a preacher with no pulpit
Spewing a sermon that goes on and on

Well, if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It’d be all right, it’s all right, it’d be easier that way

Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like it knew it was time to start things over again
It’d be alright, it’s alright, it’d be easier that way

Well, if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It’d be all right, it’s all right, it’d be easier that way

Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like it knew it was time to start things over again
It’d be alright, it’s alright, it’d be easier that way

I underlined the last bit,because i think for me anyway, that’s the real point of the song.  Definitely I feel the the river that has all dried up right now,but the idea that the grass can still grow, that things can start over again…. gives me hope.  And hope is a good thing to feel right now.

This video is a SPN video about the character Dean, edited by k9lover27

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