So many things…

I’ve been putting this off and putting it off for so many reasons.  None of which have anything to do with this.  I love blogging my ups and downs.  And I’ve really missed it the last couple of months.  But I haven’t really been in a great place, and you know how it is… well at least for me, I tend to hide until the shit goes away or it’s really repressed enough that I can just pretend to be normal and ok.  But that hasn’t been happening.  Instead, more shit just keeps appearing.

I’ve been kind of aware of some of what I’ve been hiding from.  But a couple days ago I totally broke down and admitted I hate this ostomy.  (Surgery went find, medically speaking, my ostomy is great and my health is much improved.)  But mentally, I’m not dealing with it as well as I thought I could.  See, when I was raped 16 years ago, the ONE thing I found was that I could survive anything.  I made that my rock.  It was my foundation and I built my world around it.  No matter how bad it got, I survived that, I can survive this.  It rather pisses me off that this lifesaving ostomy that I should be grateful for is causing that foundation to crumble.  I literally found myself praying to die the other night.  I don’t pray.  And I knew the prayer was pointless because God doesn’t answer my prayers.  But I felt so alone.  Even though my dear husband spent half the day with his arms around me in support… I feel pointless, I feel cheated.  For the first time in my life I hate my body.  I can’t bring myself to take a shower.  It’s so strong.  I know I need to, I get all my stuff ready, slowly, but when it comes down to it, I just can’t.  I hate dealing with the ostomy in the shower.  So I go a week without it, until my hard-wired need to meet certain social expectations finally wins out, and I force myself through it.  Purely so I can go to therapy the next day and keep my secret that i am barely holding it together.

Right now I feel jealous of everyone who is dead.  It was just a year ago one of my best friends took his life and all I can think is that I wish I could trade him places.  And Hope… dear Kyra.  I feel terrible that she felt so alone.  One of the first things I found out when I started reading blogs again was that she was gone.  It broke my heart.  She was the first person to ever follow my blog, comment… and hers was the first blog I ever followed.  She wa such a beautiful, intelligent person. and I’m sorry she’s gone.  And yet I can’t help but envy her just a tiny bit.  And I feel terrible about that.  Sometime I want to punch myself in the face for being so done by sometimes comparably small things.

 

My therapist thinks maybe its time I consider ECT.  I’m beginning to think he’s right, though I have mixed feelings about it.  I know some of you, my readers, have had it, and I would really appreciate some feedback.  If you feel like you don’t want to share on the blog, let me know and we can email each other or something.  I really want to know all the good and all the bad before I make a decision like this.  But something’s gotta change ’cause I can’t keep playing by the rules.  I’m just done.

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