Taking space

So… I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth 🙂  I’m still around… The last couple of weeks have been just really overwhelming to me and I’ve had trouble finding both the energy and words, so I avoid.  I am very good at that.  I avoid so well that most of the time I don’t even know what it really is that I am avoiding.  But it wears on me the longer I do it.  Tonight, I just feel a very heavy heart.

I don’t do very well with identifying my own pain.  It’s very rare that I can sit with it when I find it.  On the rare occasion in therapy that I let the tears flow, there’s a quick moment where I mentally go, “hey I’m crying, well this is good…” but then it’s gone.  And I cannot reconnect with it.  I can talk about things and share the stories of my life, but it’s like they happened to someone else.  It’s really really rare that I can share the story and the emotion in the same space.  I just don’t know how.  But I’m really good at feeling pain for others.  Hearing other stories and feeling anger, helplessness, sadness, pain for what others have experienced.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Empathy is one of the things I love about myself.  But I don’t balance it well.  And I think the more I am running from my own stuff, the more I allow it to overwhelm me.

I love this blogging space that I’ve discovered.  I started writing for me, and never really expected to connect so strongly to so many people.  And I love the interaction I have had with so many people here.  I’m grateful for it.  And I’m not going anywhere 🙂  But if it seems that I am around less or commenting less, it’s because I have to respect the part of me that is overwhelmed with so many things right now- things that are mine and things that are not mine.  I’ll still be reading though… I love all of you I have connected with.  And I love reading what you share.  I’m just working out my shit 🙂

Hopefully I’ll be able to write more soon, too.  I love being able to share here.  It’s become really important to me, this space and all of you who are reading.  Just needing some time to separate the words from the feelings, I guess.  Thanks to everyone who continues to follow and support – you mean the world!

 

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