No time like the present, I guess!

Jeez.  I don’t even know where or what to start with.  I haven’t written in so long and so much has been going on.  I have this tendancy to think every single damn detail of what’s been happening is crucial to share… it irritates most people and I used to think it was just one of my little annoying traits.  Turns out, my therapist says it is PTSD related.  My brain can’t tell the difference between essential and non-essential information.  So, bear with me.

I’ve been keeping my distance from WP because there were some big changes happening in my life, new realizations and issues, and it all was just too overwhelming and sometimes painful to deal with long enough to write about it.  But I love my blog, I love the people here, and it’s time to get back… tonight I decided, no time like the present.

I’ve written before about wanting to have kids but being unsure about many things in that regard due to my health.  Sorry if I repeat any health info, but I can’t remember right now what I’d shared and what I hadn’t.  Shortly after my surgery last year to have my illeostomy, I noticed my periods were abnormal and extremely painful.  I went to the OB/GYN here, and after some ultrasounds and MRIs she told me my fallopian tubes were about 5 times too large.  There was inflammation and some other things going on that basically meant the ONLY way I could possibly get pregnant was if the tubes came out, then we would have to try IVF.  But the advice, because of my previous difficult surgeries, was to have a complete hysterectomy when I had surgery.  There was no rush… I had time to consider some things.

A very dear friend of mine had offered to be a surrogate if I needed.  We already knew pregnancy would be difficult because of the continuing health issues and all the scar tissue.  So at this point, it became sort of the plan.  Both my husband and I felt though, that I had to have some improvement in my mental and physical health before we jumped into anything.  I’d looked at the numbers and I knew the cost of surrogacy would be an issue… but I clung to it anyway… because it just had to work out.  I could not imagine what my life and future would be without having a family.  And I wasn’t going to let money be the thing that kept me from it.

I was positive that with this plan, I’d get my damn butt off the couch and start to take care of life so that I could prove I could take care of a kid.  It seemed so obvious to me that if I wanted that the most, then it would be enough to overcome the difficulties I was feeling just with day to day life.  But it didn’t really work that way.  For months I sat surrounded with the same mess everyday telling myself I was going to get it together.  In the mean time, my periods got much worse, and so did my IBD.

I now have small bowel inflammation, though they don’t know for sure if it’s Crohn’s.  But I had to go back on Humira, and I started on Imuran (now I’m on 6mp)… these are chemo-type drugs and they warn extensively against getting pregnant.  But the drs said I should still be able to do IVF with the surrogate.  So I clung to it.  But as time passed and I watched my sister take care of her two daughters… as I tried to keep up with my neices for just a weekend at a time… I finally had to accept some things.  I wasn’t any closer to feeling healthy enough to take care of a baby, and the reality was that we were never going to be able to afford it.  And I realized at the same time that I had always known this… I’d just been unable to face it.

So we came to a decision that it was time to have the hysterectomy.  If I ever get as healthy as I’d like, then adoption may be in our future… but right now… it’s out of my hands.  I hated making the decision, but also knew without a doubt it was the right one.

Still… I grieved.

I had my hysterectory Oct 21st.  I was DETERMINED to be out of the hospital in 9 days or less.  I had already gotten tickets to see Bo Burnham in SLC on the 31st and I had been looking forward to it for MONTHS.  No way was I going to miss this show.  And the drs were sure it would be a 2-3 days stay… hmm but guess what.

My colorectal surgeon always referrs to my abdomen as being a very “hostile” environment.  They had 6 HOURS scheduled for my surgery because based on previous experience, she (my CRS assisted) expected to have to remove a lot of scar tissue.  It was still a mess in there, but they finished in 4 hours, so that was good.  And I was doing really well for the first few days.  Then, the night before I was supposed to be released, all hell broke loose.  I was up ALL night throwing up.  I don’t think I have ever in my life thrown up that much.  It just kept coming.  I didn’t sleep at all (neither did my poor husband!).  And it just kept going.  After that night, I couldn’t even keep the clear liquid diet down.  I’d developed what they call a post op ileus.  Which basically means my digestive system shutdown.  Not really a huge surprise.  6th surgery in 4 years and they’ve all followed this pattern, worse each time.  HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT!  (There were actually a lot of nightmarish aspects to this hospital stay but I’m not going to get into it all.)  Bottom line- I did get released on the 31st… but I still couldn’t eat or drink and hadn’t in days.  They sent me home on TPN- which is basically a “portable” IV (a PICC line) to “feed” me all my calories and such.

Needless to say I missed Bo Burnham.

I actually just came off TPN a couple of days ago.  Still having trouble eating regularly, but we decided it was time to try it.  Doing ok so far, still taking lots of nausea meds, sleeping a lot, etc.  But the last 2 months have completely passed me by.  I feel kind of lost right now.  I’ve been trying to catch up on other people’s blogs… but I still get really overwhelmed easy.  So, I’m sorry for such an extended absence.  I know it’s understandable, but I’m sorry for myself and all I have missed.  Gonna try to be back more often though.  (I know, I say this a lot… Doing my best!)

Still so fucking sad I didn’t get to see Bo.  I think that depresses me more than any thing else about that hospital stay.  Oh fucking well.  (I added that last fuck for you CC! haha)

 

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And the questions pour out…

So it’s been awhile since I had my last BIG anxiety attack (the kind where I want to crawl walls and rip my hair out.)  I don’t know why things were going well- had decided to attribute it to therapy.  And that probably is it.  BUT as I posted previously- I am having ANGER these last few days.  And I don’t deal well with anger.  I just don’t even know what to do with it.  Few things really even make me angry, but not feeling in control and feeling invalidated or used will make me angry.  My last post- the car smashing- that was about not feeling in control with my health issues, which I’ve already ranted about, so I won’t again.  (not right now, anyway!)

I had trouble sleeping that night, all the anger and anxiety.  Finally started to doze off a couple of hours before my dental appointment, but you take what you can get, right?  I kid you not, I had just relaxed when I got a bunch of txt messages.  From my brother.  Who I’m going to call Alec.  I ADORE my brother.  I can’t even tell you how awesome I truly think he is.  But he has the same capacity for just pure #$%#$^.

I crave closer relationships with all of my family.  Alec in particular is very distant.  He has told me in the past that he avoids me because he can’t deal with what happened to me (the assault.)  That hurts like hell, but I have to respect where he is too, ya know?  At the same time, he’s… not stable.  Just a few years ago, he stabbed himself in the stomach with a huge knife because he was angry.  I’m not really sure if that was a suicide attempt, but there have been those.  And he takes his anger out on himself.  I worry about him all the time, but never really know how he is doing because he tries to hide everything.  So Wed, when I got his txt asking for money because he’s going to get evicted… I was sick with worry and anger.  Anger because I know he is trying to manipulate me right now (this is the only time he makes contact) and worry because I don’t want to see him in trouble!  So- both anger triggers hit.  And everything just snowballed into that awful anxiety again.

How do you help someone you love that refuses to be helped?  I know this post probably makes no sense whatsoever.  I feel protective of my little brother and so frustrated at the same time that I have left a lot of things unsaid.  On the plus side- it sounds like he was able to avoid eviction for now.  So there’s some relief.  But sadness too.

This may seem so random, but I think of my brother when I hear this song.  It sings to my worst fears, but also my wishes to understand better what he is going through so I could help.  Except, if he doesn’t want my help… do I have any right to try to give that to him?   I don’t know any of these answers.  So here’s a song to ruin your day…

 

I need a hug

Hmmm… this isn’t the post I planned to write.  If you’ve followed this blog at all you know I am an undying Supernatural fan.  People roll their eyes at me now days when I mention it 🙂  But, it speaks to me.  Can’t help it!  There is a particular fanvid that shows (to me) PTSD in a way that my words never could.  I’ve been thinking about posting about it for a while now, and that was my plan tonight.  BUT, it’s not really the mood I’m in.  And when I pulled up my Supernatural playlist on youtube, I got caught up in some other vids.

I know this may not seem like a particularly important or revealing post, especially if you don’t watch the show.  But there really is something about this show that connects to me in a place I just can’t put words to.  And sometimes, that part of me needs to spend hours watching videos on youtube!  I think the first minute of this clip says it best:

I don’t know why I have such a need for people to understand why I love this show so much.  I get it- these are fictional characters.  I know it’s A TV SHOW.  But something about the stories and the characters and the emotion in this show… it’s real.  And it speaks to a very real need of my own.  That need for connection, for unconditional love.  “Somebody to die for, somebody to cry for, when I’m lonely…”



And if you’ve made it this far and watched the previous clips, you may be needing this one:

 

Gah.  Just… feels for this show.  So many feels.

Heart in Hand

You’ve had a rotten day today.   Nothing changes that.  But when you read this, know that I love you and am so deeply grateful for the time and support you give me.  You are a good mother.  Thank you.

 

“Good Mother” by Jann Arden

I’ve got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I’ve got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I’ve got a car.
I’ve got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I’ve never wanted anything.
No I’ve, no I’ve, I’ve never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I’ve been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I’m hard to hold,
But if you knew me you’d know,
I’ve got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I’ve never wanted anything,
No I’ve, no I’ve, I’ve never
wanted anything so bad..(so bad).

I’ve got money in my pockets,
I like the color of my hair.
I’ve got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I’ve got a car.
I’ve got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.

Heart in hand,
Feet on ground,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
just be yourself.
just be yourself.

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