Fear

My brother just shared this song with me.  Really really just perfect.  Thanks little bro ❤

 

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Schooled by Shirley Manson

So, this is a super quick post… MUCH going on in my head these last few days…. SO MUCH.  Things are shifting and just stuff I was NOT expecting right now.  It’s good though.  But anyway, watched a great vid last night – Shirley Manson talking about getting old and fear.  Totally got to give myself this pep talk more often!

Thanks to my insides

I feel … I can’t finish that sentence right now.  I’ve had this thing weighing on me the last couple of days.  A suspicion I’ve had for years, but never confirmed.  It’s been on my mind a lot.  Generally I do not dwell on it.  Why spend the energy on something that may not be real?  But the last couple of days, I can’t shake it.  My anxiety at night has been through the roof.  I can’t sleep.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch because trying to go to bed just makes the anxiety worse.  And I wonder, is this some small confirmation of what I have wondered?  And what if it is?  Not having a memory to go with it… I feel sick inside as I cycle through possibilities… I want to write about all of this, but I don’t think I’m prepared to deal with the fears it brings.  But, I just had to reach out a little bit because I know there are those who will understand.  I want to forget about it… stop thinking about it…. push it back to the corners of my mind where it has dwelt for years and years.  How does it do me any good to have it sitting here out in the open when I can’t even pursue it?  I hate my insides sometimes.

Huh, maybe that’s why I keep having to get bits of them removed surgically,.  Well.  That’s helpful.

Disclaimer

I have no idea what I’m about to type.  I’ve been wanting to write here for a long time, but when I think about what I will write, I just get so overwhelmed with topics and then fall into old patterns of holding them all too closely.  AND, I realized a while ago that I may have made a mistake with this blog.  When I started it, I was so excited about it and felt so empowered by it, I couldn’t help telling people… even though I wanted to be able to write an anonymous blog.  And I told people I trust entirely and love very dearly.  Not too many, just those I wanted to be able to share more of myself with.  And I thought that would be ok.  And really, it probably has been.  For them.  But I’ve found myself wanting to write things that I don’t necessarily want known in real life.  Sometimes I want to write about darkness and the unpretty things that never can be made pretty, no matter how much therapy I dress them up in.  And I fear what these people will think.  What they will feel.  How they will see me.  How they will interpret what I say.  How they might worry.

To be clear, this is about me and my fears.  Not any shortcomings of those who might read this, knowing the person (me) behind the words.  But I need this blog.  I need this space.  Because I don’t have another one like it.  And this has to be the one space in my life where I don’t edit, where I don’t dress up, where I don’t worry that the truth is too ugly to say.  I need this for myself.  I don’t want to ask anyone not to read.  But here’s my disclaimer from here on out:  You may not always like what you read.  You may hate knowing I feel a certain way.  You may strongly object to my language.  You might misinterpret things, so please keep an open mind.  It is very likely that I will write about past experiences in my life that some of you might have shared, but that’s part of the process.  This is my space, but I shared it with you because I trust you and I know you care about me.

So read on at your own risk 🙂  I make no guarantees about anything from here on out.  But I don’t want to spend any more time worrying about what anyone will think about the words I choose.  It’s not a good habit for me!

No fun video today, sorry!  Just wanted to get back on this horse, and well, I guess this was as good a place as any to start writing again.  Probably the best place.  Hopefully I find myself able to write and share more frequently from here on out.  Thanks to all for taking the time to read!

Blood on Your Teeth

I’ve been trying to figure out how you learn to love people again.  Or let them love you.  How do you bond or connect to people again when you’ve forgotten how?  I’m not even sure when I forgot… I just know I don’t really feel that in my life.  Especially in the places I want most to feel it.  I watch my sister and my niece and I’m so incredibly jealous of the bond they have.  I want that.  How do I get that?

When I was thinking about this post, I was trying to think of the song or video I’d put with it, because that’s my format.  I know it’s a bit different, but sometimes, if I frame my issue through that lens I get new perspective about it.  Definitely this time I got perspective.  I’ve always loved the song “I Know I’m A Wolf” from Young Heretics and have often tried to pinpoint exactly what it makes me feel.  I always thought I related to the wolf in the story because I could understand the desperation and loneliness.  It wasn’t until I put these two thoughts together that I realized I’m the rabbit in the story.  And all I see are wolves.

 

And the thing about this song, is you don’t really know if you CAN trust the wolf.  And so I remain a scared little rabbit.   How do you forget the blood on their teeth so that you can be brave long enough to trust?

I don’t know… I’ve always been the type to try to make fewer, closer friends… but a lot of times I feel totally abandoned by the people I feel I’m supposed to be able to rely on.  And it’s probably not because I’m too needy, it’s probably because I haven’t let them know how much I depend on them.  I’ve had some truly crappy friends (not that I don’t know I also have some great ones!) in my life… people who spread rumors about me, people who lied and cheated me to my face… I think I’ve gotten better at choosing friends, but they seem to come in and out of my life so easily.  Very few people stick around.  And now, realizing I’m “the rabbit”… I wonder if any of them have just gotten tired of trying to carry that connection.  So how do you learn to let them in?  I wish I knew, because it’s kind of lonely over here.

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