Looking for love

Nah, not the romantic kind.  The kind that says “this is me”.  I remember years ago in group therapy, the question was something along the lines of “what are you searching for?”  And I think it was supposed to be a one word answer.  I remember “beauty” was the answer for me.  I feel sometimes like my soul is starving.  And having witnessed first hand such ugliness… I just want things that speak to my heart.  The kind of beauty that brings tears to your eyes.

This last couple of years, being sick, I’ve lost a lot of motivation to do, well, much at all.  I have “interests” in things… like, my pinterest page is chock-full of stuff I think is awesome… but if I could do or be anything in the world- no obstacles… I have NO idea what that would be.  I mean, I enjoyed massage therapy- I enjoyed the exposure to a lot of alternative ways of thinking, but I don’t LOVE it.  It’s not my calling.  I started making jewelry for a while- and there was a lot of satisfaction there.  In fact, I used to say my dream job would be to have a workshop full of crap and to just be able to make stuff out of it.  But there isn’t one particular art form that really calls to me either.  I  know I’m looking for something creative, but just, no clue anymore what that is.

Have you ever seen Steven Sharp Nelson (The Piano Guys) play the cello?  I mean… his soul is on his face when he plays, if that makes sense.  He shines.  He is so in love with what he is doing, I could watch him play all day!  And the music pretty much doesn’t suck either (in other words, it’s gorgeous).  Watch him play and tell me that doesn’t make you want to feel that:

 

 

 

These are just 3 of my favorites.  Truth is, I could listen to these guys all day.  They even have a couple of songs that appeal to my inner geek 🙂

But yeah, I wish I could find that kind of just pure joy in my life…

Blood on Your Teeth

I’ve been trying to figure out how you learn to love people again.  Or let them love you.  How do you bond or connect to people again when you’ve forgotten how?  I’m not even sure when I forgot… I just know I don’t really feel that in my life.  Especially in the places I want most to feel it.  I watch my sister and my niece and I’m so incredibly jealous of the bond they have.  I want that.  How do I get that?

When I was thinking about this post, I was trying to think of the song or video I’d put with it, because that’s my format.  I know it’s a bit different, but sometimes, if I frame my issue through that lens I get new perspective about it.  Definitely this time I got perspective.  I’ve always loved the song “I Know I’m A Wolf” from Young Heretics and have often tried to pinpoint exactly what it makes me feel.  I always thought I related to the wolf in the story because I could understand the desperation and loneliness.  It wasn’t until I put these two thoughts together that I realized I’m the rabbit in the story.  And all I see are wolves.

 

And the thing about this song, is you don’t really know if you CAN trust the wolf.  And so I remain a scared little rabbit.   How do you forget the blood on their teeth so that you can be brave long enough to trust?

I don’t know… I’ve always been the type to try to make fewer, closer friends… but a lot of times I feel totally abandoned by the people I feel I’m supposed to be able to rely on.  And it’s probably not because I’m too needy, it’s probably because I haven’t let them know how much I depend on them.  I’ve had some truly crappy friends (not that I don’t know I also have some great ones!) in my life… people who spread rumors about me, people who lied and cheated me to my face… I think I’ve gotten better at choosing friends, but they seem to come in and out of my life so easily.  Very few people stick around.  And now, realizing I’m “the rabbit”… I wonder if any of them have just gotten tired of trying to carry that connection.  So how do you learn to let them in?  I wish I knew, because it’s kind of lonely over here.

Heart in Hand

You’ve had a rotten day today.   Nothing changes that.  But when you read this, know that I love you and am so deeply grateful for the time and support you give me.  You are a good mother.  Thank you.

 

“Good Mother” by Jann Arden

I’ve got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I’ve got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I’ve got a car.
I’ve got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I’ve never wanted anything.
No I’ve, no I’ve, I’ve never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I’ve been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I’m hard to hold,
But if you knew me you’d know,
I’ve got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I’ve never wanted anything,
No I’ve, no I’ve, I’ve never
wanted anything so bad..(so bad).

I’ve got money in my pockets,
I like the color of my hair.
I’ve got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I’ve got a car.
I’ve got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.

Heart in hand,
Feet on ground,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
just be yourself.
just be yourself.

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