Enjoy your burrito…

Enjoy your burrito.  Enjoy my burrito.  God knows I’d like to.

It may be necessary to explain this phrase, especially if you’re not the nerd I am:

Enjoy your burrito

Nerdist Presents: Enjoy Your Burrito

And damn, if that’s not good advice.  But… it’s not really working.  I think I found a more appropriate description to how I feel these days….

(Watch the video, read the lyrics and watch it one more time.  You think this bit is about comedy, but the whole damn thing is much, much deeper and I think every word is a metaphor for something else…)

It takes a couple minutes into the song, but this is what my burrito is like these days:

Lyrics by Bo Burnham

Can I say my shit?
Can I say my shit?
I’ve got lots of shit to say
I’ve got lots of shit to say
I can’t fit my hand inside a pringle can
I have a huge amount of trouble
Fitting my hand inside a pringle can
I can get my hand like four inches in
But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth
But then a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can
So they all go spilling onto my face
What I’m trying to say is that the diameter
Of pringle cans are way too small
I’ll say it again
The diameter of a pringle can is way too small
Two raidiuses of a pringle can is way too small
If you feel me, put your hands up
Come on!
If you feel me, put your hands up
Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a pringle can
Those hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can
Your hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can
You think you can, I know you can
Pringles!
Listen to the people, I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get
Are about the fucking width of your cans
We’re not animals
Okay, I’ve overdone the pringles thing
Sorry
I want to have a daughter
I want to have a daughter
So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands
Into pringle cans
Yes, I’m still on the pringle cans thing!
I will move on, alright?
But that is priority numbero uno
I don’t go to the gym
Because I’m self concious about my body
But I’m self concious about my body because I don’t go to the gym
Isn’t that- That’s irony
Irony can be painful
Alright, let’s do this
Let’s do this!
I went to Chipotle
I went to Chipotle
And I got myself a chicken burrito
I went down the line, and I got all these ingredients
And at the end of the line
The guy tried to wrap the burrito
But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out
I was like, dude you should have warned me!
You’re a burrito expert
You should have told me halfway through!
Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here
Do you fucking think I want a messy burrito?
No one wants a messy burrito
The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained
Within the confines of the tortilla
I wouldn’t have gotten half of the shit if I knew it wasn’t gonna fit inside it! Alright?
I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got
Half of it
I’m okay with small mistakes
If you’ve got no more chicken, I’ll take pork
But I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork
I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got half of it right
Half of it right
Half of it right
Half of it right now
I think it’s time I
Think it’s time I think we’ll break it down

Put the lotion in the basket
No, they’re too young
I can sit here and pretend
Like my biggest problems are
Pringle cans
And burritos
But the truth is, my biggest problem is you
I want to please you
But I want to stay true to myself
I want to give you the night out that you deserve
But I want to say what I think
And not care what you think about it
Part of me loves you
Part of me hates you
Part of me needs you
Part of me fears you
And I don’t think that I can handle this right now
I don’t think that I can handle this right now
I don’t think that I can handle this right now

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
They don’t even know the half of this right now
Look at them, they’re just staring at me
Like come and watch the
Skinny kid with a
Steadily declining mental health
And laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
They don’t even know the half of this right now
They don’t even know the half of it
But I know I’m not a doctor
I’m a pussy who puts
On a silly show
So I should probably just shut up
And do my job
So here I go

I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got half
You can tell them anything if
You just make it funny
Make it rhyme
If they still don’t understand you
Then you
Run it one more time

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2]
If you think that I can handle this right now
Then you don’t even know the half of this right now
Right now
Now
Handle this right
Handle this right
Handle this right now

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All the feels (have I used this subject title before? hmmm….)

I feel like I’ve been a terrible friend here online, so I’m sorry.  I love all of you who I have talked with here online.  Those of you who have shared such personal pieces of yourself… I feel like you deserve more from me, especially when you have given me so much by reading and support me!  I know you know I’m doing the best I can right now, but I still feel the need to acknowledge it.  Just a week and a half ago, I got introduced to some really great stuff by CC and Alex over at https://ccchanel41.wordpress.com/  (Refractory Ramblings from the Darkside).  Both things have totally gone into my coping strategies toolbox.

First, Bo Burnham and “What.” is the most genius things I’ve seen in a while.  Laughter and truth all in one.  https://youtu.be/ejc5zic4q2A  His show is free on Youtube and Netflix.  It’s totally NSFW but watch when you can because it’s brilliant and I’ve watched it like 5 times in the last 8 days, hahah.  I feel bad for the people (who are too too many) I can’t share it with because of content.  They are missing something awesome.

Second?  Amanda Palmer.  How did I not know this woman existed???  In the hours I haven’t been watching Bo Burnham, she’s been playing 24/7.  I love music of all kinds.  I communicate and find places where my feelings exist in music very often, but there are only a few who just bring the feels with every word.  Even when I don’t know what she’s referring to, the emotion is still there and it’s just wrapped itself around my heart!  I can’t even describe it.  I could share any number of her songs here, but the one that’s really gotten too me the last few days is “Trout Heart Replica.”

At first, the lyrics that caught me were:

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart

And then one day…

And the butcher stops and winds his watch and lays their lives down on the block
He raises up his hatchet and the big hand strikes a compromise
Wait, we’ll trade you
Wait
Please just one more day
And then we’ll go with no complaining
No complaining
No complaining
No complaining

And holy shit.  I remembered that feeling.  The “butcher” holding me down with a knife, and all I could think was Wait… Just one more day…Please just one more day.  And now the whole song takes even more meaning and a new feeling and I just keep listening to it.

I’m not the fish anymore, right now.  But….

they’re cutting
And they’re cutting
And I think that I know
And they’re gutting
And they’re gutting
And I think that I know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s beating
And I don’t want to know
And it’s beating
Look, it’s still beating
God, I don’t want to know

And killing things is not so hard
It’s hurting that’s the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I’m asking for a smaller heart
And if he tells me “no”
I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor
Eventually I’m know I’m doomed
To get what I am asking for…

I’ve never been able to put such accurate words to the way I feel.  Smaller heart?  YES PLEASE.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So much about this song!

dwfeels

So I actually have a lot of life stuff to write about… but I keep avoiding it, so I’m starting easy today.  Maybe I will try again tomorrow to write about what’s been up.  ‘Cause this brain needs to dump.  Room is very scarce for anything else.

Hope you love Bo and Amanda as much as I do now.  And as much as I love you all.

#AlwaysKeepFighting  (yes, I will keep using this hashtag on posts because its something I am desperately taking to heart and I need the constant reminder myself.)

Hey Jupiter

Small step… write about one thing…

 

I’ve been listening to Tori’s “Boys for Pele” a lot lately.  It’s kinda always been a special one for me, though not easy to put into words why.  But it’s a cd I got shortly after the rape.  I wasn’t feeling a whole lot of anything then and what I was wasn’t great.  Something about this music though hit me in an emotional way most music hadn’t, and in a way that not much at that time really was.  I don’t understand about half the lyrics, but there is so much emotion that comes through in the music, it doesn’t even matter.

Kind of funny then, to read the wiki on this album (the whole page is rather interesting…):

“Two underlying currents run through Boys for Pele: exploring the role of women in both patriarchal religion and relationships. Amos had previously written songs in a religious and/or theological context (“Crucify” from Little Earthquakes (1992), “God” from Under the Pink), but her viewpoint takes a particularly feminist slant on this album. “The feminine part of God has been circumcised out of all religions… God (is) a patriarchal force, a very masculine energy, with the feminine having been subservient, either being the mother, the lover, the virgin, but never the equal, never to have the whole.”[15] “Muhammad My Friend”, the eighth track on the album, best represents this aspect of the album’s theme with the line, “It’s time to tell the world/We both know it was a girl back in Bethlehem…

…The album’s cover is a photo of Amos holding a large rifle, sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of an old wooden building. One of her legs is out of her pants and flung over the side of the chair. A snake coils around the chair and a large rooster hangs from the roof of the porch. The image is a nod to her song “Me and a Gun,” which appears on the album Little Earthquakes and recounts a rape she sustained. “Well, it’s [the cover of the album] a reference to Me and a Gun, a song I wrote that was on Little Earthquakes. And the idea that there’s a dead cock on my right and a live snake on my left. And the idea is that death and life… creation… what it’s taken me to get here with men, and I don’t want to be angry anymore. And you turn it over and you put the gun down, but I’m not pretending what it’s taken to get me here. But no more resentment.” [Live105 San Francisco (radio) – February 7, 1996] It was taken by Cindy Palmano in October 1995 in New Orleans.[21]

The first song from the album I ever heard and still a favorite:

 

“Hey Jupiter”

No one’s picking up the phone
Guess it’s me and me
And this little masochist
She’s ready to confess
All the things that I never thought
That she could feel

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay?
Are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought I wouldn’t have to be with you
Something new

Sometimes I breathe you in
And I know that you know
And sometimes you take a swim
Found your writing on my wall
You left my heart soaking wet
Boy your boots can leave a mess

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay?
Are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought you wouldn’t have to keep
With me
Hiding

Thought I knew myself so well
All the dolls I had
Took my leather off the shelf
Your apocalypse was fab
For a girl who couldn’t choose between
The shower or the bath

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be
With you
A magazine

No one’s picking up the phone
Guess it’s clear he’s gone
And this little masochist
Is lifting up her dress
Guess I thought I could never feel
The things I feel

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay?
Are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you safe?
Now we’re through?
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
Hey Jupiter

I was an angel

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I need
Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an Angel
Looking to get fucked hard
Like a groupie incognito posing as a real singer
Life imitates art

You got that medicine I need
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart please
I don’t really wanna know what’s good for me
God’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me
Crazy –
Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul away
I’m living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I’m singing
‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly
Want’
It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me.  Did it work?  Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video.  HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version.  Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

=-=-=-=

Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…!  (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

Not about angels

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so.  Lots of experiences to think and write about.  And today has kinda been a hard day.  I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling.  Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies.  But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk.  Was able to see my old friend Teri this week.  Haven’t seen her in over a year and  a half, but we were very close.  She was my “woo woo” friend.  We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together.  Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore.  And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside.  I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there.  If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside.  All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault.  I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either.  I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD?  Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you?  I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say.  And I can’t make the two coincide.  I just can’t.

But anyway,  back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

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